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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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What he wants is irrelevant. You need to see to it that he gets what he needs. And if that is assisted living then so be it. You call the shots not him.
Basically you tell him that YOU need help, not WITH him but FOR yourself; and you let him know if that isn't possible them he will have to do into care.
This is what you do. Next time he is hospitalized, rehab is even better, ask for a 24/7 evaluation. If its found he needs 24/7 care, refuse to take him home. To discharge him would be an "unsafe discharge" because he is beyond your ability to care for him. Ask the SW to help you find a Long-term care facility.
In the meantime, you may want to talk to an elder lawyer about splitting your assets. His split going to his care, when almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. When he is on Medicaid, you get to remain in ur home, have a car and some or all of your monthly income to support yourself.
Since caregiving is so demanding and draining, it must accommodate the caregiver.
You don't mention if the care he needs is due to physical impairment or cognitive, or both. If he has dementia, then he doesn't get to "drive the bus". You hire aids (and tell him they are for YOU) or you research and choose a facility and then use a therapeutic fib to get him in, having the staff play along -- which they have done for others so they won't mind doing it. You don't tell him anything about this plan until the moment you move him, then you tell him whatever he'll accept that will keep him calm and cooperative.
If your husband isn't cognitively compromised, then this is slightly different. You can still hire in-home aids to help YOU and you ignore any complaints he makes about it. Or, you call 911 and have him taken to the ER and you can have him discharged directly into a facility that you picked out in advance. You can stall him and tell him therapteutic fibs. But is you are not his PoA and he isn't cognitively incapacitated, then he may be able to check himself out AMA (against medical advice). But then you don't take him home, you leave him to figure out how to get himself home.
Or, you go on vacation for a week or 2 having set up caregivers from an agency. Or, you look into respite care, which I think may be covered by Medicare but not certain.
You need to ignore his resistance to more care. You must insist on making yourself a priority, whether he likes it or not. Self-care is a form of caregiving.
I have worked in home healthcare for more than 30 years. I see this type of situation ALL THE TIME. And it is men who expect their partners to take care of them and full time. These men probably have no idea what they are expecting/asking because they have never done this type of thing themselves. This is NOT right. This will eventually cause you major health problems and what the men do not realize is this.... your health suffers then there WILL come a time you will NOT be able to do this any longer because you may die from it. Seriously. You will have premature death from all the physical and emotional stress put upon you and then he will be left with you and then what is he going to do? He is NOT thinking about this but you may talk to him about this. And here is another thing... love does not do this to someone else. Many of these people also have mental issues... I am sorry to say but he might have a form of dementia. There are a LOT of people out there with undiagnosed dementia making unreasonable demands, wrong, crazy decisions. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE ASKING OR DOING. I keep finding them still driving, running stop signs and lights, speeding. One of my patients, I refused to be with him when he drove and I told him that we would NOT be going anywhere if he drove--- I had to drive. He got mad but so be it. Less than 2 months later, while driving alone, he ran into someone's car and totaled his car. His son had refused to take control of the situation and this man could have been killed or could have killed others. He also insisted on "helping" with the care of his wife. He dropped her. Many older folks make terrible decisions, dangerous decisions.
When someone does this to someone else, what your husband is doing to you, you have to take the reins. Your husband is NOT thinking right. Please... please... please... do NOT allow him to control what goes on. He cannot and is NOT making right and reasonable decisions. YOU need to be the one to make the decisions. For your husband to expect you to do this is NOT reasonable. You are right. YOU cannot do this by yourself.
You either have to bring caregivers like myself in to assist or, put him in a facility. Believe me, he is NOT going to like anything you do. But... again... you cannot, should NOT be doing this.... like this.. If you do, your health will decline and then where will he be?
You do not mention if he has dementia or not but this is how I would go about it in any case. You tell him..."Don" I know you want me caring for you but I also need help. I am going to get someone that can help me so I can care for you better." You hire someone. The first week they can help you do things like light housekeeping, helping to prepare meals, laundry, and the like. The second week tell "Don" that you have to run to the store to get a few things. While you are gone the caregiver can fix "Don" lunch and maybe play cards with him. The following day make another excuse to go out while the caregiver is there and they can do some more things for your husband. Each week increase what the caregiver does and how long you leave the house. Pretty soon he will trust the caregiver. You can even introduce the caregiver as an old friend so it is not like there is a "stranger" in the house.
I will say though if your husband does have dementia he does not get to say what kind of help you get if you need help. It is a matter of safety both his and yours. If you get hurt caring for him what happens then?
I'm curious. What do these spouses who "refuse" to have anyone but their loved one care for them - well, what is it they DO that keeps you from hiring someone and saying "This is the way it is," or "I'm going to the store and Abby the aide will watch TV with you until I get back." Or whatever?
Do sick spouses hog-tie their wives and remove their phones? Threaten with a weapon? Scream and yell every time you head for the car? Take away your credit cards and checkbook so you can't pay an aide? Or if bedridden, what power do they have over a spousal caregiver at all?
Curious and waiting for the explanation..... (My husband has dementia and is in memory care; neither of my parents who had dementia refused aides; nor did another relative that I cared for post-stroke. This is why I cannot imagine what power a sickkety-sick person can wield. Nor have I heard of enforced refusal from other spousal caregivers of my acquaintance.)
They lay on the guilt and play the victim that is being abandoned by someone they "thought loved them". They don't physically do anything, but the emotional abuse they inflict is worse (in my opinion). Their caretaker loves them so much that they will do anything, including risking their own wellbeing, to satisfy the patient.
He doesn't get to make the decision. This has to work for you. As we age, care is more about meeting a person's needs, not their wishes if the two are not the same. The most important thing is that his needs AND your needs are met.
This often requires some changes which are not welcome, but are necessary. People adapt. Sounds like he needs to be in a facility or have home care aids come in. Your finances may determine what choices you have.
You don't say what his medical issues are, or if he has dementia. This can make a difference in our answers.
My sister has Alzheimers and we just went through this. We hired aides because she needs help when I can not be there and twice when someone showed up she screamed, cursed and got physical with them so they left. Unfortunately for her this was supposed to help her stay in her own house longer, but mow it has just accelerated her needing to go to a facility. Tried to explain that to her but she can't grasp it. The disease is brutal.
So sad that you are going through this. Some people have loved ones that are compliant but others are like your sister and make life difficult. We all do what we can to get through this, but it is true that what the person wants cannot be the determining factor.
Jean, have you tried in home helpers or are you looking at a facility? I ask because maybe bringing in help could help him start learning to accept help from others.
He doesn't get to decide what you can do. He is being selfish and should be given a choice, he accepts help from others or you walk. His wants are not your orders.
Best of luck finding the way forward to take care of both of you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
In the meantime, you may want to talk to an elder lawyer about splitting your assets. His split going to his care, when almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. When he is on Medicaid, you get to remain in ur home, have a car and some or all of your monthly income to support yourself.
You don't mention if the care he needs is due to physical impairment or cognitive, or both. If he has dementia, then he doesn't get to "drive the bus". You hire aids (and tell him they are for YOU) or you research and choose a facility and then use a therapeutic fib to get him in, having the staff play along -- which they have done for others so they won't mind doing it. You don't tell him anything about this plan until the moment you move him, then you tell him whatever he'll accept that will keep him calm and cooperative.
If your husband isn't cognitively compromised, then this is slightly different. You can still hire in-home aids to help YOU and you ignore any complaints he makes about it. Or, you call 911 and have him taken to the ER and you can have him discharged directly into a facility that you picked out in advance. You can stall him and tell him therapteutic fibs. But is you are not his PoA and he isn't cognitively incapacitated, then he may be able to check himself out AMA (against medical advice). But then you don't take him home, you leave him to figure out how to get himself home.
Or, you go on vacation for a week or 2 having set up caregivers from an agency. Or, you look into respite care, which I think may be covered by Medicare but not certain.
You need to ignore his resistance to more care. You must insist on making yourself a priority, whether he likes it or not. Self-care is a form of caregiving.
When someone does this to someone else, what your husband is doing to you, you have to take the reins. Your husband is NOT thinking right. Please... please... please... do NOT allow him to control what goes on. He cannot and is NOT making right and reasonable decisions. YOU need to be the one to make the decisions. For your husband to expect you to do this is NOT reasonable. You are right. YOU cannot do this by yourself.
You either have to bring caregivers like myself in to assist or, put him in a facility. Believe me, he is NOT going to like anything you do. But... again... you cannot, should NOT be doing this.... like this.. If you do, your health will decline and then where will he be?
You tell him..."Don" I know you want me caring for you but I also need help. I am going to get someone that can help me so I can care for you better."
You hire someone.
The first week they can help you do things like light housekeeping, helping to prepare meals, laundry, and the like.
The second week tell "Don" that you have to run to the store to get a few things. While you are gone the caregiver can fix "Don" lunch and maybe play cards with him. The following day make another excuse to go out while the caregiver is there and they can do some more things for your husband.
Each week increase what the caregiver does and how long you leave the house.
Pretty soon he will trust the caregiver.
You can even introduce the caregiver as an old friend so it is not like there is a "stranger" in the house.
I will say though if your husband does have dementia he does not get to say what kind of help you get if you need help. It is a matter of safety both his and yours. If you get hurt caring for him what happens then?
Do sick spouses hog-tie their wives and remove their phones? Threaten with a weapon? Scream and yell every time you head for the car? Take away your credit cards and checkbook so you can't pay an aide? Or if bedridden, what power do they have over a spousal caregiver at all?
Curious and waiting for the explanation.....
(My husband has dementia and is in memory care; neither of my parents who had dementia refused aides; nor did another relative that I cared for post-stroke. This is why I cannot imagine what power a sickkety-sick person can wield. Nor have I heard of enforced refusal from other spousal caregivers of my acquaintance.)
This often requires some changes which are not welcome, but are necessary. People adapt. Sounds like he needs to be in a facility or have home care aids come in. Your finances may determine what choices you have.
You don't say what his medical issues are, or if he has dementia. This can make a difference in our answers.
He doesn't get to decide what you can do. He is being selfish and should be given a choice, he accepts help from others or you walk. His wants are not your orders.
Best of luck finding the way forward to take care of both of you.
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