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A lot of these answers say to get the carers to do little things first, such as get dinner ready etc. Then, you have the issue of a person not eating because the food isn't prepared in a familiar way. (Been there...)

Introducing the carer gradually is only going to work when you have the same carer every day. Some agencies can't guarantee that.

I would recommend leaving the house for some of the time, so that the LO has no choice but to accept the outside care.
This will depend a lot on whether dementia is involved or not.

If there is no dementia, then I would involve the LO in the conversation about care when arrangements are made. That way they can express their fears about outside help (such as personal hygiene care) so they can be reassured in a matter of fact way about preservation of dignity by the care professionals themselves.
Also, hearing you say about the toll on your health to a care provider manager might make it more real for them and it could finally "hit home".

If the person has dementia, then tell them that the doctor has sent nurses because you both need their help so you don't get ill.

In both cases, leave the house while the carers do their job. Visit a friend, go to the park, get a coffee - do something to recharge your batteries.
Leaving the house would make it clear to the LO that they can't call you.

This would be helpful for a LO without dementia to navigate the embarrassment of accepting outside help without you being there. They're not your child, but an adult accessing help on their own. They need to be able to feel empowered by having a carer enabling them to stay in their own home.

If a LO with dementia gives the carers hell, it's time for them to be placed in a facility.

(Don't take their calls while a carer is with them. Tell the carer to call you if necessary. You can tell the LO that you are turning your phone off, but don't.)
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Get help and say it is for you, because you are finding it difficult to do everything. Ask the "helper" to start with little things like meals, providing supplies to wash face and hands... and move onto major assistance like assisting with walking, helping with bathing, helping change clothes... Depending on your husband, he may accept help from a male assistant more readily than a female assistant.
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Reply to Taarna
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When my husband needed more care than I could provide myself, I told him gently but firmly that if I get injured in his care, then both of us are out of luck. I wouldn't be able to care for myself, much less care for him. I have hip issues that did progress to hip and knee issues. I told him that options are limited. Either more paid help for him to keep him at home, or he'd have to be placed somewhere. We are looking for more paid help now.
He was embarrassed and too proud in the beginning. I was at lunch with my gal friends one day when he first started services, and was ambulatory with a walker then. It was Respite for me. He called me and asked me to come home to clean up a bowel accident because he was too embarrassed to let the aid know. The aid was in the house at the time, but he called me on his cell from the bathroom. He also would yell at me for calling the rescue squad to lift him off the floor when he fell and expected that I could help lift his 250 pound dead weight frame.
I had to hold firm and tell him I'm not injuring my body trying to do the impossible.
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Reply to JanPeck123
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Try to get the same caregiver coming or maybe two. So they get comfortable and familiar and he gets comfortable. So much help a caregiver can provide. Caregiver can sweep and vacuum in his area, make him a sandwich and beverage for a meal, wash his dishes and put them away, do laundry and he can help fold and help her put it away. Caregiver can clean and file his fingernails, help him shave, comb his hair and change his bed sheets and do a load of his laundry. Caregiver can organize his closet and the pantry. Make it easy for you. Refill soap and shampoo and clean his bathroom area ( you provide cleaning supplies). Make the weekly grocery list. Take him for a walk to the mailbox or around the garden. Or down the street. Caregiver can help with pet care. Caregiver can sort through magazines and junk mail and get it thrown out. Caregiver can bring garbage and recycling bins to the curb and back. Caregiver can make sandwiches for the fridge and set up his breakfast dishes and supplies and keep the fridge organized and clean. Caregiver can oversee him taking his medication and log it in a notebook. Caregiver can assist taking his blood pressure and pulse and log it in a notebook. So much a caregiver can help with. They can visit with him while they are doing tasks and listen to his stories. Caregivers help you to help him. What can they help you with, that will ultimately help him? I think it’s helpful to approach it that way.
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KDinMD60 May 9, 2025
What if you can't afford a caregiver coming in?
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You do not mention if he has dementia or not but this is how I would go about it in any case.
You tell him..."Don" I know you want me caring for you but I also need help. I am going to get someone that can help me so I can care for you better."
You hire someone.
The first week they can help you do things like light housekeeping, helping to prepare meals, laundry, and the like.
The second week tell "Don" that you have to run to the store to get a few things. While you are gone the caregiver can fix "Don" lunch and maybe play cards with him. The following day make another excuse to go out while the caregiver is there and they can do some more things for your husband.
Each week increase what the caregiver does and how long you leave the house.
Pretty soon he will trust the caregiver.
You can even introduce the caregiver as an old friend so it is not like there is a "stranger" in the house.

I will say though if your husband does have dementia he does not get to say what kind of help you get if you need help. It is a matter of safety both his and yours. If you get hurt caring for him what happens then?
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Reply to Grandma1954
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He doesn't get to make the decision. This has to work for you. As we age, care is more about meeting a person's needs, not their wishes if the two are not the same. The most important thing is that his needs AND your needs are met.

This often requires some changes which are not welcome, but are necessary. People adapt. Sounds like he needs to be in a facility or have home care aids come in. Your finances may determine what choices you have.

You don't say what his medical issues are, or if he has dementia. This can make a difference in our answers.
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Reply to golden23
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For his safety and yours, you get help in.

The issue may be one or more of the following:

1) this is something new and he is accustom to you and no one else caring for him; he may feel embarrassed and 'just' want things to remain the same (understandable).

2) He doesn't know the person, yet. Ease someone in ... get to know him so he can feel a connection with the person.

3) Get volunteers in (from high school, and/or college - contact college dept heads in nursing, geriatrics, therapist/psychology departments). Some students will need this experience on their resume.

4) Let him know that you need help 'for you' as you cannot manage on your own. If he doesn't want help for himself, he might be more open to having another person helping, to support you.

Regardless, you need help to care for him and this will increase as time goes on. Do what you need to do 'now' for your own well-being. Otherwise, you will continue to exhaust yourself, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

It is not easy to change a routine, esp with a spouse, as aging challenges occur.
Take a step at a time although do take a step. Assert yourself as you need to if he is stuck or intent on his position. If easier, just bring someone over and introduce them. Don't tell him ahead of time. You want to avoid an argument.

Take breaks as you need. Do not feel / be intimidated by him, if you are or might be. You have to think about yourself. You do not want a situation where you fall or injure yourself and then you BOTH need a caregiver.

We will provide the emotional support you need here to move forward.
We care.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Whatever you do, you are doing out of love for your husband AND yourself. You have to do what is right for YOU to be OK to do what is loving for your husband. With God you are never alone and His Love can guide the way for YOUR situation. It is NOT about asking your spouse - it IS about telling your spouse "I need help". You have to figure out what you can afford and be open to many things. Is his schedule such that 4 hours of help in the morning is practical? or in the evening? Do your financials allow that kind of care? (I mention 4 hours because that happens to be the minimum in my area, though my dad has 24/7 care with 4 caregivers that rotate during the week)
Perhaps contact "A place for Mom" for suggestions. In my area they not only have "places" but "people" who come to the house. If one person doesn't work out, try another. Do you have friends that are in similar situations? People at church or a community center that can give specific suggestions? Ask, ask, ask and KNOW you are guided to the right idea for this moment.
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It doesn’t get to make this decision
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TouchMatters May 10, 2025
I believe you mean "He" ... and yes, I totally agree.
The point is that the spouse needs to feel strong enough to assert herself, how she feels, and honor her own needs. If a spouse hasn't asserted their 'self-hood,' in a marriage, then it can be very disconcerting to do so 'now' when needed for self-care. It is a totally new experience and understandably very uncomfortable - bringing up all kinds of 'self-talk' from decades "I am powerless ... fear of asserting one's feelings ... guilt ... all the triggers ... need to keep the peace ... I believe a therapist could help / support this woman / spouse now and encourage her to get into therapy if she feels it could help her. Gena
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When my dad went on hospice, mom arranged for sleep aides to sit with him overnight. Dad threw a tantrum, mom fired these aides and then proceeded to go without sleep for three days until my sister prescribed mom a benzo. We then took turns sitting with dad but was rapidly unsustainable, so my other sister arranged to switch hospices to one that had a separate home where my dad would go. He died first. It was 11 days.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Tell him doctors said the care you provide isn’t enough- options are you get someone in to help you or they will put him in a home
or
get care to come and not tell him- a risk- yes! But it may help him to see they aren’t the enemy
I call our CAre staff nurses
And say the nurses are coming to see you doctors orders
after a while I now call them the cleaning nurses
my dad still apologises to them for soiling his underwear
its all an embarrassment thing
but he’s used to it now
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Reply to Jenny10
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Just put your plan in place, and start getting the help he and you need. He will yield quickly. Have the caregiver stay for your agreed-upon time, even if he refuses. Be sure not to do the things he needs help with. Only allow the caregiver to perform these tasks. He will get it quickly. Be sure to take care of yourself—blessings for you.
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Reply to bgblck69
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I have worked in home healthcare for more than 30 years. I see this type of situation ALL THE TIME. And it is men who expect their partners to take care of them and full time. These men probably have no idea what they are expecting/asking because they have never done this type of thing themselves. This is NOT right. This will eventually cause you major health problems and what the men do not realize is this.... your health suffers then there WILL come a time you will NOT be able to do this any longer because you may die from it. Seriously. You will have premature death from all the physical and emotional stress put upon you and then he will be left with you and then what is he going to do? He is NOT thinking about this but you may talk to him about this. And here is another thing... love does not do this to someone else. Many of these people also have mental issues... I am sorry to say but he might have a form of dementia. There are a LOT of people out there with undiagnosed dementia making unreasonable demands, wrong, crazy decisions. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE ASKING OR DOING. I keep finding them still driving, running stop signs and lights, speeding. One of my patients, I refused to be with him when he drove and I told him that we would NOT be going anywhere if he drove--- I had to drive. He got mad but so be it. Less than 2 months later, while driving alone, he ran into someone's car and totaled his car. His son had refused to take control of the situation and this man could have been killed or could have killed others. He also insisted on "helping" with the care of his wife. He dropped her. Many older folks make terrible decisions, dangerous decisions.

When someone does this to someone else, what your husband is doing to you, you have to take the reins. Your husband is NOT thinking right. Please... please... please... do NOT allow him to control what goes on. He cannot and is NOT making right and reasonable decisions. YOU need to be the one to make the decisions. For your husband to expect you to do this is NOT reasonable. You are right. YOU cannot do this by yourself.

You either have to bring caregivers like myself in to assist or, put him in a facility. Believe me, he is NOT going to like anything you do. But... again... you cannot, should NOT be doing this.... like this.. If you do, your health will decline and then where will he be?
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Reply to DonnaF777
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This will be my next battle with my mother after getting her diagnosed and properly medicated. My mother has dementia and is suspicious of everyone willing to stop by and help us. It isn't a good feeling to have to deal with a loved one who feels better being isolated from the world because there is a conspiratorial reason why a neighbor or hired help has stopped by to mow the lawn or fix something. However, you and I both have to do what is best for our sanity. At some point, it will become impossible for us to manage everything on our own. It seems like you have already come to that point. If your husband doesn't cooperate, the only choice you have left is to put him into a nursing home. Unfortunately, they don't realize that we are making these choices to keep them out of a nursing home for as long as possible. If he doesn't like an at-home caregiver, he certainly won't like being around hired help 24/7 in a nursing home.
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JeanLouise May 8, 2025
Although there are many caregiving similarities, it's much different when it's your spouse
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Maybe you could tell him(in as kind of way possible) that since you can't provide all the care he needs, he'll just have to accept your getting some help or he'll just have to fend for himself.
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Basically you tell him that YOU need help, not WITH him but FOR yourself; and you let him know if that isn't possible them he will have to do into care.
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RedVanAnnie May 8, 2025
exactly the right answer
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My sister has Alzheimers and we just went through this. We hired aides because she needs help when I can not be there and twice when someone showed up she screamed, cursed and got physical with them so they left. Unfortunately for her this was supposed to help her stay in her own house longer, but mow it has just accelerated her needing to go to a facility. Tried to explain that to her but she can't grasp it. The disease is brutal.
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WearyJean May 8, 2025
So sad that you are going through this. Some people have loved ones that are compliant but others are like your sister and make life difficult. We all do what we can to get through this, but it is true that what the person wants cannot be the determining factor.
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What he wants is irrelevant. You need to see to it that he gets what he needs. And if that is assisted living then so be it. You call the shots not him.
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Wordgirl May 8, 2025
Unfortunately, this doesn't always work. You cannot force a person with mental capacity to do what they do not want to do. Been there, done that.
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I'm curious. What do these spouses who "refuse" to have anyone but their loved one care for them - well, what is it they DO that keeps you from hiring someone and saying "This is the way it is," or "I'm going to the store and Abby the aide will watch TV with you until I get back." Or whatever?

Do sick spouses hog-tie their wives and remove their phones? Threaten with a weapon? Scream and yell every time you head for the car? Take away your credit cards and checkbook so you can't pay an aide? Or if bedridden, what power do they have over a spousal caregiver at all?

Curious and waiting for the explanation.....
(My husband has dementia and is in memory care; neither of my parents who had dementia refused aides; nor did another relative that I cared for post-stroke. This is why I cannot imagine what power a sickkety-sick person can wield. Nor have I heard of enforced refusal from other spousal caregivers of my acquaintance.)
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lapolis May 8, 2025
They lay on the guilt and play the victim that is being abandoned by someone they "thought loved them". They don't physically do anything, but the emotional abuse they inflict is worse (in my opinion). Their caretaker loves them so much that they will do anything, including risking their own wellbeing, to satisfy the patient.
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I’ve had positive results. One of my friends had a husband who refused strangers caring for him. What has worked for my situation is family and friends who we already have a relationship with have been accepted. Additionally, a year or two ago I interviewed and hired a housekeeper once a month. She has grown to be part of the family and can now provide some care.
All of that being said, I suggest starting to build relationships before they are needed. We have a home care provider who we have seen several times. She has built a relationship so now she is able to care for my wife. It takes some time to build relationships then that person can be accepted. My two cents. May God bless you and make you strong for this journey!
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Reply to Samjam
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This is what you do. Next time he is hospitalized, rehab is even better, ask for a 24/7 evaluation. If its found he needs 24/7 care, refuse to take him home. To discharge him would be an "unsafe discharge" because he is beyond your ability to care for him. Ask the SW to help you find a Long-term care facility.

In the meantime, you may want to talk to an elder lawyer about splitting your assets. His split going to his care, when almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. When he is on Medicaid, you get to remain in ur home, have a car and some or all of your monthly income to support yourself.
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Frenchie36 May 8, 2025
Good advice
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Jean, have you tried in home helpers or are you looking at a facility? I ask because maybe bringing in help could help him start learning to accept help from others.

He doesn't get to decide what you can do. He is being selfish and should be given a choice, he accepts help from others or you walk. His wants are not your orders.

Best of luck finding the way forward to take care of both of you.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Since caregiving is so demanding and draining, it must accommodate the caregiver.

You don't mention if the care he needs is due to physical impairment or cognitive, or both. If he has dementia, then he doesn't get to "drive the bus". You hire aids (and tell him they are for YOU) or you research and choose a facility and then use a therapeutic fib to get him in, having the staff play along -- which they have done for others so they won't mind doing it. You don't tell him anything about this plan until the moment you move him, then you tell him whatever he'll accept that will keep him calm and cooperative.

If your husband isn't cognitively compromised, then this is slightly different. You can still hire in-home aids to help YOU and you ignore any complaints he makes about it. Or, you call 911 and have him taken to the ER and you can have him discharged directly into a facility that you picked out in advance. You can stall him and tell him therapteutic fibs. But is you are not his PoA and he isn't cognitively incapacitated, then he may be able to check himself out AMA (against medical advice). But then you don't take him home, you leave him to figure out how to get himself home.

Or, you go on vacation for a week or 2 having set up caregivers from an agency. Or, you look into respite care, which I think may be covered by Medicare but not certain.

You need to ignore his resistance to more care. You must insist on making yourself a priority, whether he likes it or not. Self-care is a form of caregiving.
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