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A few days later she asked me where that man who used to visit was and I told her he died, but didn't mention their relationship. Was this the right thing to do? She wasn't upset.
You answered her and she was satisfied with that answer and she wasn't upset; I can't imagine anything going better, can you? Why go into all the particulars which would upset her and she couldn't/wouldn't retain, anyway?
I am so sorry for your loss, but sounds as though this went luckily very well.
All you did was answer her question. She may ask again or even call your dad by name and ask about him. Dementia is not always even and consistent. There is nothing to be gained by upsetting your GM, although you might wish you could mourn the loss of your dad with her.
It is an individual decision. I think it depends on the connection, the circumstances, the timing.
Your GM must be around 100 years old. No doubt she has lost many loved ones in her long life.
Do make time to mourn your father regardless of what you share with your GM.
Do you think it would have been the right thing to tell her that her son is dead? All that would have achieved is to make her agitated and probably hysterical. Why put someone her age through that?
I agree with burntcaregiver. Imagine reliving the most horrific pain of learning one of your most special loved ones has died over and over. That would be torture. I find most people with dementia will accept a simple explanation of where and what that loved one who is deceased is doing. I would always tell one of my patients her mother was either cooking breakfast or cooking dinner depending on the time of day. Make it believable, if Mother hated cooking and would not be caught in the kitchen ever, think of another excuse.
I think you did the right thing. I struggled with telling lies to my demented husband and I try not to. But I’ve been thinking of an old family friend with dementia whose wife died. As we gathered in his son’s home after the funeral, he kept saying that he had to go home because his wife would be worried about him. And they kept telling him that she had died and so he relived that grief over and over. I don’t know that there’s a good answer for this dilemma, jpkopbut that didn’t seem to do him any good.
It didn't do him any good, but they did what they thought was best. That's all any of us can do. In that situation, I would have said that she's fine and resting while she's waiting for him, so she doesn't want him there just yet, and that he'll see her soon. That would have eased my conscience about telling an outright lie, and also helped to ease his mind. I don't like lying, but I hate to hurt someone I love even more.
You did the right thing. My father lives in his own world where my mother is not dead. I don’t talk about her to him anymore. Recently he couldn’t finish the cookies I had brought him and he told me to give them to mom. I just said okay.
In my experience, when someone suffers from dementia, of course if it is advanced, they would not comprehend news of a family member's passing.
You answered her correctly and she accepted it without a problem. Leave it there. The question is bound to come up again. You are the best judge to decide how to respond knowing about the cognitive abilities of your grandmom.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You handled the situation both sensibly and with compassion. You will probably be asked again and have the pain of going through this again. I'm sorry.
At some point, your grandmother may remember her son and ask about him specifically. However you choose to deal with this, as long as it's done with kindness, it will be the right thing. One helpful response in that situation is, "You'll see him soon, Grandma."
It hurts when we can't share important moments and feelings with those we love. Please be kind to yourself.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I am so sorry for your loss, but sounds as though this went luckily very well.
My condolences on the loss of your dear dad.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad.
All you did was answer her question. She may ask again or even call your dad by name and ask about him. Dementia is not always even and consistent. There is nothing to be gained by upsetting your GM, although you might wish you could mourn the loss of your dad with her.
It is an individual decision. I think it depends on the connection, the circumstances, the timing.
Your GM must be around 100 years old. No doubt she has lost many loved ones in her long life.
Do make time to mourn your father regardless of what you share with your GM.
We did not mention to Mom (dementia) when my brother died but he never visited either.
In that situation, I would have said that she's fine and resting while she's waiting for him, so she doesn't want him there just yet, and that he'll see her soon. That would have eased my conscience about telling an outright lie, and also helped to ease his mind.
I don't like lying, but I hate to hurt someone I love even more.
You did the right thing. My father lives in his own world where my mother is not dead. I don’t talk about her to him anymore. Recently he couldn’t finish the cookies I had brought him and he told me to give them to mom. I just said okay.
In my experience, when someone suffers from dementia, of course if it is advanced, they would not comprehend news of a family member's passing.
You answered her correctly and she accepted it without a problem. Leave it there. The question is bound to come up again. You are the best judge to decide how to respond knowing about the cognitive abilities of your grandmom.
You handled the situation both sensibly and with compassion. You will probably be asked again and have the pain of going through this again. I'm sorry.
At some point, your grandmother may remember her son and ask about him specifically. However you choose to deal with this, as long as it's done with kindness, it will be the right thing. One helpful response in that situation is, "You'll see him soon, Grandma."
It hurts when we can't share important moments and feelings with those we love. Please be kind to yourself.
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