Trying not to get frustrated. Any advice to be more patient and calm?

Frustration comes with the territory. You can not help how you FEEL, it is how you handle those feelings that matter. What I do when I get frustrated or angry or annoyed is.......walk away. I will go clean something ( That's my particular ocd way of calming myself) or get online and vent to these wonderful people that listen and understand, or go smoke a cigarette.......These are my little things that help me. Find little things you enjoy for the short term. For the LONG term, make sure you get plenty of respite. Get those siblings to take their turns and get out and do fun things. Spend time with people your own age. Take care of YOURSELF first. Welcome to AC. Lots of wisdom will be coming your way.

its a wonder your head hasnt exploded dave. cut yourself some slack. a year ago id have told you that doing your best was a bulls**t cop out but ive learned from a great article on here that in the caregiver situation there really IS such a thing as doing your best.
i assure you that your efforts will someday bring you rewards from all directions, its just impossible to see right now.

Wow my situation is similar. I always said my dad was a workaholic and mom an alcoholic. Dad just moved in and mom is already joking about how i will be a expert when its her time grow old. They are divorced. Im 41 though, and your younger than me have been going through this that long.? Oh honey i am so sorry. This is understandably weighing on u and i hope u get some help and rest. Do u have children?

Sorry i dont know why i thought u were a female. Its late and im tired lol regardless its all a dificult situation :(

You let go of all the dark times, and try to focus on the brighter memories. Go through old pictures, there are always moments you can cherish. Toss the rest away. Sober seven years is no small accomplishment. Better late than never. Frustration will always nipping at your heels. You push it away by having some time for yourself, with friends, online or offline. I'm not an alcoholic, but I have driven a few men to drink. Read some of the stories here and you'll say " Sheesh! at least it's not THAT bad"

Thank you all I appreciate your words. My father was always was a hard man and had many chances to turn things around and would be good for a while but then would go right back to his bad habits. Towards the end he was scared and depressed I know that more now than ever because I am more educated and I am stuck with the feelings that I could have and should have done more. My siblings are not involved at all my mothers alcoholism and my fathers hard exterior drove them all away years ago so it is just me. As of late I am feeling quiet overwhelmed. I feel guilty going out or away or to be honest most of the time i just feel so run down i dont want to go out. I am actively trying to change that now. I am trying to acknowledge these things and move on and grow from this.

Learning to do breathing exercises has helped me deal with the overload of frustration I tend to get while caregiving to abusive, absentee, deadbeat, neglectful father. I understand resentment very much. BUT… if you want to get past it and just do what you have to do, then figuring out tools to keep you patient and calm, like you said, are needed. Some of my tools I use are: breathing exercises for on-the-spot help to get out of that head-will-explode feeling. Also, going to gym or doing some sort of exercise that requires me to focus on that and nothing else for that period of my day… I started out with following some yoga videos (1st time ever) on YouTube. Because yoga also uses meditation (focusing on your breathing) it really calms you. I also recently started taking an anti-anxiety med at bedtime and I was previously resistant to the idea of taking any type of habit forming or hard to stop medication… but caregiving to bad parent isn't "normal" life circumstances, and I've decided that one is allowed to be willing to try anything and everything to keep your sanity. Hope this post is of some help to you. Good luck!

I have been care taking my dad for the past three months. I thought it was going to be easy and fun. Care Taking is the hardest job we will ever do. Frustrating feelings are normal. I relieve my stress with exercise and breathing. Sometimes that strategy does not work, so I try to focus on how my dad must feel. I know he feels frustrated, and sad. That usually changes my attitude and I try to stay positive.

Hello, we become more emotional if we were stressed and worried. Why don't you take a walk with your mother in a peaceful place or go out for a vacation with her. Spend time with her and tell her how much you care, it might be awkward but I know it will help a lot. I do believe in emotional attachment specially when appreciated, loved, cared, pampered. It will surely make her feel better.

Daveronline, I forgot to mention another important thing I learned while researching how to deal with the stress and resentment - I learned that compassion is opposite emotion of anger. This bit of info came from an extremely in depth scientific lecture I watched online, it was a stress study. And so if you can get yourself into the habit of finding things, thinking on the things about your mother that will give you compassion towards her, this will help to keep the anger and resentment from welling up. I need to remind myself to do this more often, too. Note to self.

Compassion the opposite of anger: that's a very interesting perspective, Alison, thank you.

DaveR, I sympathise enormously with how hard it is to lose the resentment. You're doing really well just to recognise that it could be there, and watch out for it - being on your guard is half the battle, I think.

Daver, I had a father that was nearly autistic in his final years. Many times I also feel regrets that I did not try to get closer to him. The truth is that I got as close as he wanted me to. It was not my fault. I have a feeling the same may be true with your father, and that the regrets you are feeling are not your fault. If he was comfortable being distant during his life, he would not likely change much as he was nearing death. There was probably nothing more you could do than what you did.

Something I found after my father died was that it is harder to take care of one parent than two quite often. My father provided some buffer between my mother and me. When he was gone, it was just her and me. My brothers are not involved. I feel resentment a lot, because I am only human and she was never a good mother. I wonder if I had done something terribly wrong to be going through what I am now.

I wondered if you are working and building your own life. My thoughts are that you are in the most productive years of your life, so I hope that you have time to concentrate on yourself. At your age I would probably be feeling more resentment, because devoting so much time to parents would have such a huge effect on my own life. Let us know a little more about you. We can't fix the problems, but someone may have some good ideas.

Try to get any help you can. I tried taking care of my mother all on my own and that made it harder. She needed very little nursing/physical help, so I thought it would be easier. Finding this community was a big help. If you have friends or a support group to talk to, talk to them. If you can get senior care providers, or an elder law attorney, having them in your corner helps. I now have a friend who has her own parent care problems to cope with and we encourage each other. If I had to do it all over, I would be much more vocal with my family about needing them to help me out more. Knowing you are not alone in this experience can be helpful. (And I am an introvert, so for me to say that is a big thing.)

I have a brother who has MS. He was diagnosed when he was 27 he is now 47. He had lived with my parents most of that time until a year ago and then he got to much for my parents to take care of him so I am now his caregiver. He lives with my family and I. I work in home as a child care provider and take care of him. The care part isn't to bad. Its his mouth, his rudeness, his disrespect, & I don't have to, I don't want to, that is the problem. His memory is pretty much gone as far as short term but most anything that happen years ago like before MS he can remember except he think he should never have to go to the bathroom. So when ask to go its a BIG HUGH battle. How do I deal with all of his rudeness, disrespect and arguing over going to the bathroom? I am so stressed over this!

sorry some how I posted this in the wrong spot....ooops!

Personally, am having the same issue and considering a lobotomy as the only true altnernative! ;-)

Seriously, though, it's hard. I would stop the "put on a happy face" thing, for one. I just try to get through the day and get my chores done. Period. It's not my responsibility to be happy and make it all seem like it's great. It's hard work and I make no effort to try to make it seem like a happy thing.

That's basically my strategy and it works for me. I'm calmer when I just approach it as a list of tasks. That doesn't work for everyone but I'll pass it along to anyone who might find it good for them to try.

Today as my dad interupted me in dealing with my own issues to take him to breakfast. His reason is i have to eat better As if i couldnt fix him something at home. I took a deep breath, put on my makeup and acted as if i wasnt annoyed. We went the food was cold, je said he wouldnt return. Then he asked me to go to kroger and he ended up saying he was sick and couldnt get out. Said what are we doing here lets go home. He said he needed a tums, then he needed a coke. I went in got the stuff came out and he threw up in the car and still didnt want to go home. After waiting, we went in and what he was wanting them to do didnt make sense of course and we went back to the car I was. rushing back home and he says your taking me home now! Im feeling better he says. All the while my nerves are shot and self pity was wanting to rare its ugly head. Ive come to the conclusion self pity is keeping me from being the caregiver i know i can be. However, my happy face works most of the time, self pity often overrides my ability to show empathy and i know thats what he really needs. My genuine love and concern. Im trying i hope it gets better for ya :)

I am currently reading a book called "Counting on Kindness: The Dilemmas of Dependency" that was giving some examples of how people giving care overextend themselves and end up resentful toward the person that they love and how that erodes the relationship. If anyone is interested, the author is Wendy Lustbader and I got it from the library system. It's been helpful in reminding me how to get more perspective on things.

But I do sometimes snap at my mother. I'm trying to be patient with her but am not trying to be perfect, either. Since she's living with my husband and me, there's no point in trying to pretend that we're all wonderful and happy. We're just ordinary folks with ordinary days, some good others bad, crabby sometimes and not so much on others. It would be impossible to pretend otherwise 24/7.

Daver, I hear ya. There is a lot of grief for what could have been, and a lot of layers of acceptance of what is instead to go through, and when the relationship was not what it could have been it is oddly enough harder rather than easier when it is ended. Only do the smiley face thing when you really have to. And realize you are doing it when you have to, and realize it is because you have to...not because you want to or because you are a saint. The rest of the time let yourself feel what you feel and let it out in a safe place, like here; and sometimes you really DON'T have to! There are times you really can - and need to - set limits and say no to unreasonable requests, and times you don't have to accept unreasonable comments or statements. Especially when the person has dementia, as much as you may want to respect their choices and not upset them, you just can't let them make the decisions and run the show. Some of the resentment turns to pity when you have a moment to feel a little less stressed, but forgiveness and recovery is a lifelong journey. If you are really lucky you can get folks to talk about what made them the way they were, what some of the good things were if there were any. It helped me to know my mom at times had a more normal relationship with some other people, even if they were just pen pals, than she had with me...weird, but that's how it worked for me; I guess knowing she had a life besides being my mother took a little guilt off my shoulders for being unable to fulfill all her expectations and be everything for her...that it was her story, not mine.

Vstefans, your posts, to me, always leave me with a little more wisdom I couldn't quite "get" before as succinctly as you do…

"It was her story, not mine."

Yes, so true. I've been trying to find compassion for my father from my perspective… where I am always victim… and that makes it really hard to be compassionate. My father very likely has a mental issue that was never diagnosed or addressed - whether it was from birth, or from his 6 week coma he endured when he was in his late 20s, long before he married my mother and I was conceived. Either way, it's his story. I make it mine and suffer more for it. Thanks for the reminder. Its so hard to take myself out of victim role, but I know I'll be better off for it if I can do that and keep doing it, and just keep accomplishing the business at hand. Just my thoughts… thanks again for such a thought-provoking post.

Dave, are you in any kind of counseling? You grew up in a dysfunctional situation, and you hadn't been an adult long before you were sucked back into it, in a caregiving role. It is hard enough to provide care for someone you've always had warm fuzzy feelings toward, to do so for someone with whom your relationship has been strained is extremely stressful. You deserve all the support you can get. A trained, objective professional can help you gain some perspective. I don't mean that to suggest that there is anything "wrong" with you that needs to be "fixed." Just that you deserve support and encouragement.

When I was raising young children I had a little plaque in my hallway that said, "Lord, give me patience RIGHT NOW!" We can all use a little of that.

Thanks...and that "her story not mine" should have been more obvious to me rather than a blinding insight :-), but I think as an only child we tend to be overly self conscious and think everything is about us... because it seemed that way when we were growing up! They say in your 40s and 50s is when you start to be who you really are and not just who you were brought up to be.