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Mom’s been there for 6 months. My mother has a horrible passive-aggressive personality that has wrecked our relationship.


If she had her way I’d stop working and care for her 24/7, even though I have RA. She complains about everything and everyone at the group home. My brother visits monthly, spends the afternoon with her, takes her out to eat, and will take her to the house where she lives. But I’ve noticed she’s even more miserable when he leaves.


He says she needs this to avoid cabin fever, but there’s no satisfying her and when he comes, he only must visit her. I still have a job and family and frankly, I’m tired. To try to keep her happy, we pay extra for a private room and to keep her house empty with utilities and insurance.


My mom will pick on my adult kids when they visit, so they don’t enjoy it. She refuses to do anything to help with her boredom, but wants to be entertained by someone.


I'm suggesting we speak to a therapist because this isn’t working.

The house needs to be sold to pay for her care and to end your financial burden.
You should not be paying out of pocket - how are you going to save for your own old age?

Your mum gave you life; that doesn't give her the right to claim it. Your time is precious and your own wellbeing is important. Your mum does not take precedence.

Do not visit more than you feel happy to. Your mum is in a safe environment. She's more fortunate than many others in her situation.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Not good to bring her to her house, for starters. That would clearly upset her. If you don't have a good relationship, bow out. Same for your adult kids.

Mom wants to be entertained? She only has complaints? Brother worries about cabin fever? I'm sure her group home has activities. She sounds like a typical Senior Brat. She will never adjust if you keep trying to please her with false hopes.

To "try to keep her happy" you pay extra for a private room and keep her house empty with utilities on? That keeps her in denial. Nothing will make Mom happy. There is nothing "happy" about getting old and being unable to live alone safely.

A therapist will tell you the same. I bet Mom will refuse, because she doesn't need a shrink. She is running the show fine the way it is.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Stop visiting and your kids can stop visiting too and bow out.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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rtmontoya2: Stop bringing her back to her house. It may be giving her false hope.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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You said something I want to focus on in your question “To try to keep her happy, we pay extra for a private room and to keep her house empty with utilities and insurance.” Why are you paying to provide utilities and insurance for an empty house? Unless I am mistaken she can’t return to it so what is that for? I’m curious what the thought process is that your brother thinks showing her the house and then telling her she can’t live there would possibly make her happy. And for what it’s worth the homeowners insurance is likely invalid, as they probably haven’t been told it’s a vacant house. Vacant homes are trouble magnets and insurance companies generally won’t insure them.

Regarding some of your other statements if she’s picking on your adult kids don’t ask them to visit any more.

You said yourself “She refuses to do anything to help with her boredom, but wants to be entertained by someone.” She’s choosing this. She refuses to do anything to help herself but that doesn’t make it your problem. Let her be as miserable as she wants to.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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Sounds similar to the male resident at the facility who always complained at meal time lol
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Reply to cover9339
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Your mom may be more miserable after your brother leaves because he is taking her to her old house which is a constant reminder that she can no longer live there, and it makes her upset.
I would tell your brother that if he wants to take her out for lunch fine, but skip the trip to her house, and see if that doesn't help.
Or better yet, just have your brother bring lunch to her facility and he can eat with her there.
And like already said, you are not responsible for your moms happiness. that is on her. If she chooses to not engage with the folks at her facility, again, that's on her not you, so quit stressing over something that you have absolutely no control over.
This is moms issue, not yours. Best wishes in letting it go.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Stop visiting. What good is it doing? Not much.

Your brother has that under control, though I suggest that he stop taking her to her house. Our world shrinks as we get older and more frail. We don’t need nor is it helpful to have too much stimulation. The smaller her world, the better. It could actually help her acclimation to her new home.

She’s never going to stop finding fault. What I’ve noticed is that when the family keeps trying to solve that problem, it does not work. Often family thinks if they just found the right facility, mom would be happy. Nope. Never going to be happy no matter where she is, so let her be. Not your problem. It’s hers. And it can’t be fixed.

Sorry it’s worked out this way.
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Reply to Fawnby
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MissesJ Jun 11, 2025
Absolutely. My in-laws live where there are multiple daily opportunities for activities but won’t go until they are “ready.” Over a year, so far…
Good advice above: fewer, shorter, lighter visits (and please work with your brother on not taking her “home”). Unless either of you actually want to live in the house, talk to an elder attorney about the most advantageous way to sell it.
You’re doing great—hang in there but with less of a sense of obligation to accommodate her.
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Keeping her house might be giving her the hope or illusion that she’s coming back to it, thus feeding the misery. If residential care is her future, consider selling the home, even if it’s not told to her, so there’s no place to take her back to, inadvertently feeding a false hope. Otherwise, mom has shown you years of her personality, she’s not changing no matter what hoops you jump through. Visit regularly, and leave when the griping starts getting to you, no apologies. Take mom something she likes, be pleasant, and have no expectations of happiness for her. That part of life is done for her, no one’s fault. Do something positive for yourself when you leave her company, I recommend a nice walk and a bit of chocolate
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Suzy23 Jun 12, 2025
Agree 100%!
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Honestly, you don't need to make this your problem. Some people just want to be miserable. Spread out your visit and shorten the time. If she gets nasty get up and leave and tell her you will be back when she is 'feeling' better.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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