My aunt moved 1,000 miles to relocate closer to me so I can help her as she ages. She has no signs of degenerative brain function. In fact, a recent brain scan revealed she hasn't even experienced the brain shrinkage typical of others her age. In the 7 years she has been here, she has not made friends and she calls on me for everything she can't do herself. I spend every Sunday at her house taking care of her yard and visiting with her.
She is always trying to manipulate me, insulting the way I do things, or faking health issues when she knows I have plans with my spouse or friends.
Last week, I found out she maxed out seven credit cards for $70,000 and overdrew her checking account by over $600. She needs a roof repair and can't pay for it, which is why I found out. She wants me to help pay for things, telling me she will pay me back when she sells her house. I am paying for the $6,000 roof repair and I've suggested she sell her house immediately and move to senior living.
She has no other relatives except my sister who lives out of state and has no financial stability.
How do I help her get to a safe place without devoting all my time and energy? Where do I stop? I am quite sure she will continue to spend after she pays off the current debt. Do I pay the down payments to get her into senior living and wait for the sale of her house to get paid back? I would need to pull out some of my retirement funds to do that. Where do I set the boundaries?
Why in the world are you paying for someone who squanders their own money?
Do you not understand that it takes a lifetime of lucky, hard work, a good job and hard saving to have enough to be independent in age. To say nothing of the wisdom not to squander it.
Your decision to go to your Aunt's house every Sunday is your own decision. IMHO it is poor decision making. You are an adult.
Your decision to squander your own funds on someone who already squandered their OWN funds is your OWN decision. IMHO it is very poor decision making.
You are an adult.
Your decisions are your own. If you require seeing a counselor to find out why you might be inflicting self-harm I would do that ASAP before you lose all your money as well. I am doubting there is someone out there waiting to take up paying for YOUR roof when you waste your money on your Aunt's needs.
Sorry to be so tough on you, but in all truth I find that saying "Oh, what a GOOD person you are" just doesn't help in making better decisions in future. Sometimes we need to have it pointed out that AUNT isn't the problem; it is our own decision making about Aunt.
Please do not touch your retirement funds to help her! You are going to need your own money when you retire. And trust and believe, you are going to need every red cent in this day's economy.
So many people have placed themselves in bad financial situations trying to prop these seniors up.
Don't do it -- she's already a One-Woman Poop Show. There's a reason she has no friends. You aren't responsible for her happiness, You aren't obligated to be her entertainment committee. Just keep clear and strong boundaries and refer her to her county social services.
Agree with Geaton: "and even if you were her durable PoA she'd need to agree to you getting into her financial business". Yes. This is true. I was POA to my aunt, but it wasn't activated until she became incapacitated. People kept telling me to sell her house to get her in assisted living or memory care, but my POA would not allow me to do that, and she didn't give me access to her finances, anyway. Also, she was taking advantage of me. I got her help for a caregiver to come into the house and when it came time to pay the bill, she tried to send them over to me to pay it. They explained that she told them I was her only POA and they should speak to me. She KNEW full well that I had no access to her money. She was trying to get me to pay this for her. I told them absolutely not and sent them back to her.
BOUNDARIES. Yes. It's something that needs to be set. The more you do for people, the more they expect. Stop making yourself so available. Not only was my aunt trying to step over my boundaries, but family that lived near aunt as well were stepping over my boundaries.
I wanted to help and I was doing a lot for her with my own money and they all saw it, including aunt and thought I would continue to be manipulated. I grew tired of it, as well as my wallet. I just stopped.
They all started calling, wondering what happened. When am I coming back? Aunt needs this, aunt needs that. I said I'm sorry. I've done all that I could for aunt and no more. I have to step back. Unless she goes in a care facility where she belongs for the proper care, I will no longer be dragged around and manipulated.
Say no. Say no to it all and reclaim your life back. She will probably realize she needs the help she needs and that it can no longer come from you.
AND PLEASE, for the love of God, do not take any loans or draw on your retirement to help her.
Ok. One thing I have learned as I have gotten older is you don’t always have to be so competent and available.
Decide how many phone calls you will take per week. And what times you will take them and then turn her off if it’s not those days and times.
Stop bailing her out. Stop enabling her and let her fully drive her own bus into the wall and then you can call APS and report a vulnerable senior living alone.
You do NOT pay for anything. YOUR money is for YOUR golden years and or in case you get sick. Your money is NOT her money.
You owe her no explanations. You aren’t her spouse. You aren’t her parent. She is a grown ass adult.
Now, perhaps she is getting dementia as executive functioning is the first to go— what did she spend all of that credit on? How is she going to pay that all off? What are her money sources?
As long as you are her solution, there will be no other solution.
She needs to hire a lawn company.
End it all now. It’s only going to get worse.
Also, you are NOT her dependent.
I think you should change your Sunday routine to a brief CALL with your aunt to check in (and if she needs help you help her FIND and arrange the help, not BE the help), not a visit. Spending time with your spouse, relaxing after a week at work and taking care of your own concerns are vital.
And do NOT touch your retirement!!!1!!
Ask auntie to get a physical with a medical doctor to outline all her medical issues - and treatment plan - as well as checking her cognitive ability. If she is cognitively intact, let her manage her own affairs - and enjoy the consequences of her decisions. If she is cognitively impaired, ask doctor to document this in her chart. Then, ask for assistance in getting appropriately.
If you'd stop propping her up, she wouldn't be able to stay in her home. Stop propping her up, get some cognitive tests done, and you might be able to get her into AL.
There used to be a fix for such situations. It was called a Greyhound bus ticket to somewhere far away.