My aunt moved 1,000 miles to relocate closer to me so I can help her as she ages. She has no signs of degenerative brain function. In fact, a recent brain scan revealed she hasn't even experienced the brain shrinkage typical of others her age. In the 7 years she has been here, she has not made friends and she calls on me for everything she can't do herself. I spend every Sunday at her house taking care of her yard and visiting with her.
She is always trying to manipulate me, insulting the way I do things, or faking health issues when she knows I have plans with my spouse or friends.
Last week, I found out she maxed out seven credit cards for $70,000 and overdrew her checking account by over $600. She needs a roof repair and can't pay for it, which is why I found out. She wants me to help pay for things, telling me she will pay me back when she sells her house. I am paying for the $6,000 roof repair and I've suggested she sell her house immediately and move to senior living.
She has no other relatives except my sister who lives out of state and has no financial stability.
How do I help her get to a safe place without devoting all my time and energy? Where do I stop? I am quite sure she will continue to spend after she pays off the current debt. Do I pay the down payments to get her into senior living and wait for the sale of her house to get paid back? I would need to pull out some of my retirement funds to do that. Where do I set the boundaries?
It’s her own responsibility, not your job to pull her out of debt.
One concern is how your aunt will get Medicaid for her care someday should she suddenly be forced into expensive care at home or a facility from a sudden injury or illness that may happen in a second.
And, please Do Not cash in any of Your Retirement Money; it’s for your own future care you worked hard for!
How did she manage to pay off her credit cards?
I would not lend money to repair her roof. After that it will be the furnace, or refrigerator...
As far as the contract, how can you enforce it? Sue and spend $$$ more chasing money that might no longer exist. You need to tell her - the house sells as is and you're moving to AL. She might refuse, and if she's competent, that's her right.
You can't save people from the consequences of their bad decisions. Don't get dragged down with her.
I would go over her bank statements and help her establish a budget. Look for signs of excess spending.
Many over spenders don’t like to take care of necessities like taxes and insurance. She may not be spending too much. You are just checking for red flags.
If she uses a computer make sure she doesn’t have a “special friend” she’s sending money to. Also check any social media that looks off. But it’s probably those huge cc payments.
Now that she’s in hot water with you, use this as an excuse which is totally justified, to go over her finances from top to bottom so you can establish where she is in June of 25.
She may be one that needs a monthly allowance on a debit card for gasoline and grocery shopping. Lifestyle changes aren’t easy.
About the note for the roof. Make a copy of it (and any other repairs) to give to the title company before she/you close on the property. That way, it will be deducted along with realtor fees etc and no explanation will be necessary about where those funds went should Medicaid be in her future and should she owe any capital gains. Of course you will have receipts.
On the credit card debt. That is a large amount of money. She might (probably will) get 1099-Cs that can cause some IRS problems down the line. That’s like $70K in income w/no taxes paid on it. Too much income in one year can sometimes cause her SS income to be reduced. If you can get the amount owed reduced, that’s great but also realize she will most likely still get a 1099-C for the amount they write off.
I don’t think I would trust her to take care of this cc debt on her own.
If you go to a bankruptcy attorney, they will file bankruptcy, no problem, but that should be worst case.
These attorney fees are on her as well. Again you might have to front her, but you will get a clearer idea of what your options are and the repercussions of not taking action. Some attorneys give free consultations. Just make sure they have experience w/aunts problems and watch out for scams. No big money up front etc.
Also check on Bogle.org to ask some of the financial questions.
Google “how to handle elderly credit card debt, negotiate the balance w/o negative credit reporting” and see what AI comes up with and their references. Might give you some ideas.
Here is a report from CBS.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/which-is-the-best-debt-relief-option-for-seniors-experts-decide/
I wouldn’t want aunt calling the cc companies and telling them she is selling her house to pay them. I wouldn’t want her giving them your name or phone number. Much of this debt might be interest and penalties that they would be willing to waive a large portion of if they were dealing with a skilled negotiator/attorney. As you said it could be very old debt. You want to get it as low as possible, know when you are getting a good offer that includes the best terms, etc. this is the job of the attorney but a Financial POA would need to interface with the attorney. IMO.
One last thing, never sign anything for her w/o signing as her POA so as not to take on her debt. Know that at only 80 she can live many more years and this asset can be gone in a twinkling if not managed properly. Don’t leave it in her hands.
Use all of this to get a more realistic contract/agreement with aunt on what you are willing to do and what you expect from her in return on her respecting your life and time and making more of an effort not to be so needy. She has to get a life and not dismiss your suggestions. Seven years of this with potentially 20 more to go. No mam. Establish boundaries and know that this is on you to manage if you want it done right and not have it dragging around for years to come.
Let us know what you/aunt ultimately do. We learn from one another.
She probably has some kind of dementia if she's spending like that and was $600 overdrawn on the bank account. There needs to be a POA in place who handles her finances and decisions now. This way she won't be able to get in her own way when her accounts are settled and she gets a new living arrangement.
27 years? OMG. Good for you finally putting her away and taking your life back. Some people aren't happy anywhere. My mother is like that.
She knows better than to complain or insult me. I will just hang up on her and block her number. If I'm visiting, I'll get up and leave. I don't take that crap for one second and I'm happy you don't either anymore. Good for you.
When you make plans, don't tell her. She has a history of faking a health issue when she knows you have plans. Don't let her know when you make plans.
Please stop playing her games. She needs to move into a senior community where there are others to help with her needs. If she refuses to, put some distance between the two of you.
You do not have to spend every Sunday at her place. You don't have to take every call. You don't have to answer to her either about where you go, what you do, or who you do it with. Enough is enough. It's time for her to sell her house and move into a nice AL community.
She must have something tangible to show for that $70K!
She's paying $800+ minimum payment on that debt too.
By not paying her bills and debts.
How are you going to be paid back if/when her house sells? Are you trusting she will hand over any money you feel she owes you? The way she has managed her finances, and is relying on you financially suggests SHE WILL NOT!
You say she moved 1000 miles to relocate near you. Was that at your suggestion? Or did she just see an opportunity to lean on you, and put you in the position of doing what she wants? You acknowledge she manipulates you, trying to take your attention away from your family and friends to focus on her.
This is selfish! No matter what age! Especially if she has no sign of brain degeneration!
You are not responsible - for entertaining her, taking care of her home or yard, paying for her expenses after she mismanaged her own funds!
You set boundaries by deciding how much attention you want to give to her, and sticking to that, making your rules clear to her! If you want to visit her and do some things for her, that's fine. You are not obligated to do anything.
Stop answering her calls when you have other plans. People who manipulate will continue testing your boundaries, to see how much they can get away with. You have shown yourself to be an easy mark, and it's going to be tough to undo that. You must be firm. That's why it's a good idea to know where you will draw the line, so you don't cave when she begs with an emotional plea!
You didn't already put your money into the roof repair did you? If so, you need to sit her down, with or without an attorney present, and write up a promissory note! Or say goodbye to that money and any other money you have given to her.
And stop giving her money!
Ask auntie to get a physical with a medical doctor to outline all her medical issues - and treatment plan - as well as checking her cognitive ability. If she is cognitively intact, let her manage her own affairs - and enjoy the consequences of her decisions. If she is cognitively impaired, ask doctor to document this in her chart. Then, ask for assistance in getting appropriately.
What you can do? Help her find a church, go with her to senior fairs and discuss what with her what you find. She is lonely and in a depression...and may not be aware of it. Ignoring the world and its consequences is a relatively comfortable state rather than trying to find new people to interact with and risking emotional rejection.
For her health issues, it becomes hard to make the determination between fake and real, therefore, do not dismiss them. However, show her how to make an appointment with urgent care, who to call, how to get transportation to/from there. Most of all, when she does something correctly, praise her and do not pick apart her actions, unless they were life threatening. Ask her to make the call. Waiting on-hold for urgent care is not for the timid, however, you can ask questions like, "how many times did you hear the same song?" or "what did you do while you were on hold?"
I really do think she is having trouble adjusting to the move. It sounded great at the time, however, there are all these little things that just become a huge annoyance once one moves. Moving is not for the timid....
Maybe she can volunteer which would increase her potential social circle
Please do not touch your retirement funds to help her! You are going to need your own money when you retire. And trust and believe, you are going to need every red cent in this day's economy.
So many people have placed themselves in bad financial situations trying to prop these seniors up.
If you'd stop propping her up, she wouldn't be able to stay in her home. Stop propping her up, get some cognitive tests done, and you might be able to get her into AL.
There used to be a fix for such situations. It was called a Greyhound bus ticket to somewhere far away.
AND PLEASE, for the love of God, do not take any loans or draw on your retirement to help her.
Auntie chose to move near you. You did not invite her, nor did you agree to be her ATM or caregiver! It's ridiculously presumptuous of her to feel that you're obligated to care for her AND bail her out of all these messes she gets into because she chose to move nearby! All the while racking up enormous credit card bills that could've and should've gone towards roofs and other home repairs you're now expected to finance FOR her! I think not. Spending money like a lunatic is a hallmark of dementia and so is expecting others to wait on you hand and foot.
You help her get to a safe place, IF you have POA, by giving her one choice. She either sells the house and voluntarily moves into Assisted Living or you disappear out of her life. If she agrees, in writing, then you can loan her the $$ for the roof. I sincerely hope she'll have enough profit on the sale of the home to pay you back, pay off her credit card debts, and live in AL for more than 15 minutes 🙄
Good luck.
I think you should change your Sunday routine to a brief CALL with your aunt to check in (and if she needs help you help her FIND and arrange the help, not BE the help), not a visit. Spending time with your spouse, relaxing after a week at work and taking care of your own concerns are vital.
And do NOT touch your retirement!!!1!!
Ok. One thing I have learned as I have gotten older is you don’t always have to be so competent and available.
Decide how many phone calls you will take per week. And what times you will take them and then turn her off if it’s not those days and times.
Stop bailing her out. Stop enabling her and let her fully drive her own bus into the wall and then you can call APS and report a vulnerable senior living alone.
You do NOT pay for anything. YOUR money is for YOUR golden years and or in case you get sick. Your money is NOT her money.
You owe her no explanations. You aren’t her spouse. You aren’t her parent. She is a grown ass adult.
Now, perhaps she is getting dementia as executive functioning is the first to go— what did she spend all of that credit on? How is she going to pay that all off? What are her money sources?
As long as you are her solution, there will be no other solution.
She needs to hire a lawn company.
End it all now. It’s only going to get worse.
Also, you are NOT her dependent.
Agree with Geaton: "and even if you were her durable PoA she'd need to agree to you getting into her financial business". Yes. This is true. I was POA to my aunt, but it wasn't activated until she became incapacitated. People kept telling me to sell her house to get her in assisted living or memory care, but my POA would not allow me to do that, and she didn't give me access to her finances, anyway. Also, she was taking advantage of me. I got her help for a caregiver to come into the house and when it came time to pay the bill, she tried to send them over to me to pay it. They explained that she told them I was her only POA and they should speak to me. She KNEW full well that I had no access to her money. She was trying to get me to pay this for her. I told them absolutely not and sent them back to her.
BOUNDARIES. Yes. It's something that needs to be set. The more you do for people, the more they expect. Stop making yourself so available. Not only was my aunt trying to step over my boundaries, but family that lived near aunt as well were stepping over my boundaries.
I wanted to help and I was doing a lot for her with my own money and they all saw it, including aunt and thought I would continue to be manipulated. I grew tired of it, as well as my wallet. I just stopped.
They all started calling, wondering what happened. When am I coming back? Aunt needs this, aunt needs that. I said I'm sorry. I've done all that I could for aunt and no more. I have to step back. Unless she goes in a care facility where she belongs for the proper care, I will no longer be dragged around and manipulated.
Say no. Say no to it all and reclaim your life back. She will probably realize she needs the help she needs and that it can no longer come from you.
Tell her she must stop using her credit cards. Maybe if more than one card, she can get them consolidated so she has one payment. There are people who can help her with this. Check with her bank.
Helping her getting into Senior living will be based on her being able to afford it. Assisted livings rarely take Medicaid. There are HUD owned apts where they charge rent on scale, 30% of income. You need to get her on a waiting list. Low income Senior apts. You need to do the research. Places for Seniors usually have a common area where you can meet your neighbors. Activities and outings.
If you don't have DPOA, I would see if she will assign you. You then can take over her finances. Have her cards and credit frozen. Help her get a place to live. This does not mean your at her beck and call. Your just helping keep her above water. Get her Medical too.
If you do not want to take this on, then contact APS. The State could take on her care. Or at least give you resourses. Office of Aging may be able to help.
Stop telling her your plans. When she calls just say sorry, I have plans today. If she feels that bad, call 911.
She is not your #1 priority, you wife, friends and family are.
Why in the world are you paying for someone who squanders their own money?
Do you not understand that it takes a lifetime of lucky, hard work, a good job and hard saving to have enough to be independent in age. To say nothing of the wisdom not to squander it.
Your decision to go to your Aunt's house every Sunday is your own decision. IMHO it is poor decision making. You are an adult.
Your decision to squander your own funds on someone who already squandered their OWN funds is your OWN decision. IMHO it is very poor decision making.
You are an adult.
Your decisions are your own. If you require seeing a counselor to find out why you might be inflicting self-harm I would do that ASAP before you lose all your money as well. I am doubting there is someone out there waiting to take up paying for YOUR roof when you waste your money on your Aunt's needs.
Sorry to be so tough on you, but in all truth I find that saying "Oh, what a GOOD person you are" just doesn't help in making better decisions in future. Sometimes we need to have it pointed out that AUNT isn't the problem; it is our own decision making about Aunt.