Hello. I am writing because my father just transitioned into long-term care in a nursing facility. His personality traits of emotional abuse, which entail intense anger, rage, blame, lashing out, and emotional immaturity have escalated. I am also caregiving my mother who also has to go to a nursing home at the same time. My dad went to the hospital over four months ago and the past four months I have been doing mountains of nursing level care for my mom, applying for state Medicaid, applying for nursing home, facilities, groceries, medications, medical appointments, corresponding with doctors for both my mom and my dad who has been in a facility. Meanwhile, while visiting my dad, the visits have gotten worse, and I am unable to stay after five minutes of time where he reacts and lashes out and blames and it creates uncomfortable feelings within my body. I shake and feel nauseous and I’m unable to move forward with the rest of my day when I leave the facility. I spoke with the social worker today and asked for supervision when I go to see him. I am thinking of picking a day where she can be there and I can tell him that the boundary I am setting is that I no longer will be visiting without an advocate present. He will become angry during this boundary setting conversation, and I am extremely Nervous about beginning this process. I cannot detach all together because there are many things that still need to be done and when my mom ends up moving into nursing level care, it’s removal of their entire life of belongings. It’s just myself and my brother, but my brother is not my dad son. I am afraid that my dad is going to put more tasks onto my brother because he and I are not communicating much and I am not able to pop in and out and do things like I was able to do or would do despite the abuse. Any suggestions on how to follow through with boundaries despite extremely poor reactions would be welcomed. This is an extremely difficult time with both of my parents and it’s just me and my brother. I have been falling apart and the emotional abuse with my dad is making the entire situation worse and it’s already extremely stressful. Thank you for your time.
You don't have to visit especially when you are feeling extra stressed. Stop putting yourself in harms way. Let him become a ward of the state and assigned a guardian who can help navigate his health, placement and financial needs through the court system. Guardians are assigned through the courts.
What we fail to realize is that our parents are/were adults and made their decisions in life. If they failed to plan for their old age, we can help them get set up in a new living arrangement if we are being generous with our time and energy. Taking on an elderly parent can sap the life right out of you especially the ones who feel you can't do anything right. There is a remedy to that. Stop doing for them. We shouldn't take it on ourselves and let them live with us. If they were abusive while we were growing up, we should not take care of our abusers when they become old.
A wise woman told me years ago told me that when I step away, someone else will step in. It worked exactly the way she said it. I was taking care of my disabled sister years ago. I passed the baton to the guardian.
Old age is a rugged and tiring journey leaving the victims of this malady irritable and cranky. Getting old is one thing, but when it is peppered with personality disorders, mental health issues and chronic health issues, it is a recipe for tyranny.
The late Miss Bette Davis said it best. "Old age ain't for Sissies."
Do what you have to do for mom and let dad rot. There’s no moral or legal requirement that says you have to take care of your abuser.
Do you have POA for Mom and Dad. Is Dad competent to handle his own affairs? If not, then your job is to handle them in the background. Being POA does not mean you take abuse. Does not mean you do any of the caring. You just handle his financials and Medical. If they are on Medicaid, no money anyway. You make the decisions, you don't need to ask Dad. Their needs are met in the NH. They are fed, clean, toiletries are given and depends. Laundry done. Even clothing from the donation bin. (not for Mom maybe but I would not worry about buying Dad clothes) You are not obligated to use any of your money. He does not deserve your kindness.
You are an adult and deserve respect. Dad needs you more than you need him. There is really nothing you and your brother need to do for him. No need for appts, use the NHs doctor. Medicaid pays for a dentist and eye doctor to come into the facilitity. A foot doctor to cut toenails. What tasks could Dad needed done? Since he is a miserable abusive man I would do nothing. Your brother is not his son, he has no obligation towards your Dad either. No need to be afraid of him, he can't hurt you. He is a miserable old man. I truly believe what goes around comes around and this is Dads come around. Do he and Mom share a room? If so, you can visit her by taking her to the common area. Look up "Gray Rock Method". Maybe ask an aide to bring Mom to you. Block his calls if u left him with a cell. Time for Dad to learn consequences for his actions over the years. Let him be alone, let him be lonely. Maybe he will come around and be nicer to you. Maybe not because Narcissists don't believe its their fault. If he is a Narcissist, you will never be good enough for him.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO VISIT DAD!
I honestly think if you are having this severe a reaction simply in seeing your father that contacts should be few and far between and he should be informed that the slightest problems will see your exiting out the door. But I don't think you sound capable of letting him know this at this time.
I would seek psychological counseling. You are an adult now. Your father no longer has the power of control over you and he himself is diminished down to nothing. A man desperate for control who now has ALL control stripped from him. He is pathetic beyond belief, but you are unable to see and recognize that; you still see him as a severe danger to your being, and so long as that is the fact, you are subject to his abuse.
Please seek help. You have here a man with ZERO power, who you are afraid of.
While that makes no sense, it is a result of a lifetime of training you are going to need a good cognitive therapist to address. You cannot have a "stable pony" at your side to walk you through life; you need to gain a sense of reality and truth here to recognize that the husk of all your father is all that remains of the abuser who once caused you so much pain.
My heart goes out to you; get help. I hope you'll update us.