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Feeling guilty because my mom is there. She argues with me and makes me feel guilty. My kids think I'm codependent. I hate going to visit her and then I really feel awful. Worry can't seem to let it go.

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Thanks for your thoughts and comments. It will be a long difficult time but hopefully I can find a good support group. I also have God he's always with us I know. Thanks again! I love my mom very much.
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It is hard and obviously you feel guilty. You aren't responsible for her happiness and your being there or not being there isn't going to change her perspective.

You should set some boundaries and tell her, "mom, I'm going to visit on tues and Fridays, we'll have lunch on Sundays." Start weaning back. If she gets argumentative with you, cut the visit short and tell her "mom, I love you and don't want to argue, I'll see you next tues" and do it. Don't take calls every day.

You need a break to be your best self when you do visit....and mom needs to acclimate.

If they don't have support group, some churches do or consider speaking with director and starting a group yourself that can meet at the NH every other wk or whatever. I'm sure it will be welcomed, maybe a volunteer or staff member can help you get started to facilitate the conversations.
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(((((nanny))))) It is hard to break patterns that have been set in childhood. Your mum installed guilt, fear and obligation buttons in you when you were a child. so you have always felt responsible for her feelings and if you only did things right everything would be OK. But no matter how you tried it never worked or not for long. Been there, done that for years, nanny. I am 76 now and my mother is101, and I an still learning and healing. God wants you healed, Whether your mother gets healed is between her and God. She is not your responsibility other than to see that she is safe, fed, and so on. Her feelings are not your responsibility.
When you - or me - or anyone gets so enmeshed with someone else it is good to start looking at what you enjoy, what you want to do with your life apart from your mother. What goals and dreams do you have for yourself?

Decide what you think is reasonable visiting - maybe discuss it with your kids, (BTW if they recognise codependency it sounds like you did a good job with them) and set up a plan for yourself, then stick with that and spend time on yourself and your interests. God gave you a life to live and that was not to be so tied to your mother. I know it is not easy but you can detach. He has a plan for you. I will pray for you and your family. (((((((hugs)))))))))
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Thanks emjo that is the way she's always been. I'm trying to find a support group. Thanks pray for her and our whole family. I know God is in control. It just seems to stay right there nagging on my mind.
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(((((((nanny))))))) Has your mum always been argumentative like this? Has she had abandonment issues before? I ask this as my mother has always had abandonment issues and needed to control those around her. She often gets into arguments. A few years ago she was diagnosed with a personality disorder. She also is narcissistic - self centered - and expects a lot from others. People like that tend to use FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, to manipulate their families and friends. Be sure of this - you cannot make her happy nor can you solve her abandonment issues. Also, be sure that God is hearing your prayers, but maybe He is not giving you the answers you want. I prayed about my mother a lot and I still pray, but the answer was not that she changed but, that I had to change.

Letting go is hard - it is called detaching, and along with that you need to set boundaries. As suggested above, cut down on the number of days that you visit, and also leave when an argument starts. Work on not contributing to the argument. Do tell your mum that you love her, but you don't want to get into an argument, so you are going to leave now and come back on ____day. One thing that has worked for me sometimes is that I have told my mother that we will just have to agree to disagree. Plan your strategy before you visit her.

I think your kids are right about the codependency. Will they help you get into a better pattern of visiting with your mother? You could look up resources like Melody Beattie's book - Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. You can not change your mother, you can only change yourself.

You are quite right that this is making you ill. There is a truism that you can't care for others till you learn to care for yourself. Nanny, put your health and peace of mind first. What I learned about my mother was that no matter what I did, she stayed the same. She was argumentative, felt abandoned, that no one did enough for her and so on. I could make myself sick trying to please her and did. What did that accomplish? Nothing good! I got sick and she stayed the same, so I have learnt and am still learning to look after myself. Please start doing that for you - you are worth it.

You might look for a caregivers support group in you community. This is not a rare problem. Spend tine focussing on you and do something good for you today!
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You're sweating bullets over things you can't change and that's not productive. You're making yourself sick.

It is what it is because it has to be that way. No parent wants the NH. I don't want it. You don't want it. But, sometimes there are no other options and that's that. We all feel guilty as hell for having to put our parents there, but at the same time you have to accept what you can't change so that it doesn't eat you alive. Sometimes parents need more than we can give them. We're not robots or doctors.

Sure, I felt guilt at having to leave my mom behind at the NH when I left. Did I feel guilty enough to bring her back home again and have to deal around the clock another night? No. She was where she needed to be and yeah, where I needed her to be, too. There were no other alternatives. You're there and you visit and you're visible and you make sure she's well. That's more than some old people have. Lose that much guilt.
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you might be burned out, uncomfortable with moms mental state and such nanny but your mothers time is becoming short. i think you should take a few deep breaths and step up with the notion of " comfort " for mom in your head. look around and sense out her needs and supply them. my mom got a new recliner and new eyeglasses with only weeks left to live. aunt edna just got a nice used recliner and new eyeglasses with probably weeks to live herself as she is feeling weekly decline by her own admission. " money " and " tomorrow " are irrelevant. its about today and leaving this spinning ball of phlegm feeling loved.
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I've been trying to let it go but its very very hard .The strain of it all is beginning to make be I'll. I don't want her to feel abandoned.. It seems when I do go now we argue. I love her . I don't feel like God is hearing my prayers.
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Is there anyway you can express your concerns to the director of nursing. She may be able to see your mother gets more involved in the activities. The more she gets busy with, the better she will feel..... that will release you. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to let go..... It is better for both of you..
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I think you're trying to make her happy and healthy and that's not something you can do. Once you give up the notion that you can control the world, you can do the best you can and know that it's good enough. Your mom may not be healthy or happy, but you will be MUCH happier.

Visit your mom a couple of times a week, call her every day (if you must) and know that you're doing the best you can. And if you can find a caregiver support group somewhere, attend it!
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She thinks we don't love her and she wants to move from facility Mental state is not good.
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1) why does she argue with you and what about? 2) What is her condition, mental & physical? We need more background and information to be able to answer
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The one she's at doesn't Thanks any way!
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Most NH have family support meetings. You might want to attend some.
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