Is this the right forum even? IDK. Message me if you know what one this should go in. --- I'm going in circles and feel like I'm falling in a hole. The support group I was in; the Only one on my days off of Tue and Wed; disbanded due to moderator moving to AZ to care for family. Honestly, it didn't seem to help too much and here's why: I'm only 53 and I have to remind myself that everyday.  I work a hell of a lot of hours, my Mom doesn't have much of a saving since her savings was decimated due to check fraud to the tune of $59K. Her pension is laughable, state and/or city screwed up about 20 years ago and my Mom w/50 others lost all 20 years paid in. The people in the group were closer to Mom's age than me. They were retired, had rather healthy pensions and savings... What I'm trying to say I felt like a teen at Thanksgiving at the kids table. They couldn't seem to put themselves in my shoes and their suggestions always revolved around hiring outside help. I am not made of money. Currently I Know I'm struggling with keeping depression away and trying to find some peace and quiet to relax. My insurance doesn't cover mental health care...for Me...and the few that do take cash aren't available on my days off. I can't get away, can't decompress and on the only night off that I might be able to get a full nights rest, I sleep, more like nap, for just 4-5 hours and wake up sore all over. I can't do anything by myself for 10 min once she gets up. I have to be with her constantly or else I get" You don't care about me. Just let this b**ch die. Thank You very much!" HOURLY!!!! I need to clean my place now from top to bottom since I barely get up here for a few hours of sleep; when I can; for work. She has recently started to make a scene outside since the weather broke, to hollar that to me from outside when I have the windows open. I walk on egg shells so I don't make any noises up here or else she be calling, slamming doors or making a scene til I come down. I have 6 months of cleaning and sorting to do and can't do None of it...still. WTF am I to do??? She is too combative for a nursing home but it's wearing me out now physically. I'm so scared that I won't be able to bounce back after this! I have no patience for Anyone anywhere. I even hate myself when I forget something to the point of vegging out in front of the TV for hours watching Nothing in particular. Is this a nervous breakdown or am I making am making a mountain out of a mole hill? I just can't seem to be objective, empathetic or amicable any more. Just shoot me I guess. Seems I'm worthless to even myself.

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Please understand, Sonny, the problem is NOT you - it is your mom. But it is very serious.  Have you been frank with the people who think hiring care would help?  I would have no hesitation in laying out my situation brutally honestly.  Your mom obviously has mental problems - are they lifelong (mental illness or behavioral disorder) or is this a sign of dementia or other health problems that cause this combativeness?  There are group homes, senior income-adjusted housing, etc.  Your area dept. of aging counselors could have suggestion on what options you have.  You are saying she is outside yelling this nonsense - any likelihood of her accusing you of abuse? You really do need to consider this possibility and be wary when in contact with her. If she threatens violence to you or to herself, call the cops. Get her on their radar. Making nice is only kicking the can down the road, delaying real help and putting yourself at risk.  Don't try to hide her behavior - she is the problem here, not you, and it should be clear to cops, APS, neighbors that that is the case, for your protection.

If she is somewhat reasonable, have you talked to her honestly about what her behavior is doing to you? Don't be shy about doing that - you have rights and dignity as a human being as much as she does.  Their is no such thing as a "right to abuse" another person. Is she able to understand that she needs to change, to make some kind of social life? You are not it. You cannot give her happiness - we all need to do that for ourselves.
If possible get her assessed by a social worker from Dept. of Aging or Human Services. I'd think you would need to determine what her mental and physical health problems are in order to determine what will work.
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I'm so glad you've reached out here. There are others who have been through similar things who can help.

You have options. Just because she's behaving that way does NOT mean she has to stay with you forever, or that she can't ever go to a nursing home. When did she last see a doctor, and does he know about this behavior?

Does she own the house and you're living with her, or the other way around, or is one of you renting it? Knowing that may help people suggest some next steps -- as in: if it's her house, you can leave. If it's your house, it'll be a little more complicated.

Here is the website for Illinois where you can start to figure out what she may qualify for, and possibly get her a case worker who can help:
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Hi Sonny, I had the same problem connecting with my local support group, all but one other person there was caring for a spouse, and I felt like I knew more than the moderator running the meetings. AgingCare saved me when I found it, I spent a long time just lurking here reading articles and about what others were posting before I jumped in - I don't know how people survived in the past without cyber communities and information at their finger tips.

I hope you have the documents in place to be able to speak with your mom's doctor, I think your priority needs to be to get her violent tendencies under control, then you can decide whether she needs a memory care or nursing home. I've read many posts from caregivers who had their loved ones spent time at a geriatric psychiatric unit in order to find a good medication regimen.
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