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She needs help with everything except eating. I put her to bed at night and get her out of bed in the morning.


I don’t think she realizes how close to tears I am most days. My home has become a nursing facility and I'm the only employee. My parents didn’t plan for the future, and she can’t afford AL. Everyone says, “She took care of you and now you get to repay her.” My kids are grown; I think I deserve to have fun as my husband prepares to retire. Thanks for letting me vent.

You may want to consider LTC if Mom has no assets. Medicaid may pick up the tab. Our excuse, DH is retiring and you want the time together. All you owe Mom is a place where is is clean, safe, fed and cared for.
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anonymous882968 May 13, 2019
This is a good answer. Give it a go
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I understand how you feel. We all have those days when we have reached our limit. I do the same for my husband as you do for your mom. Only my husband is bedridden. He’s a large man and to change and bathe him, I have to use all my strength to push him over in his bed. He has already vehemently protested any suggestions of a facility. We couldn’t afford one anyway. Even with a Medicaid Waiver, I’d lose my house and have to re-home my dog.

Here is what I am planning to do. I have already gotten a part time job. It’s to help with the bills, but it gets me out each day for a few hours. I’m checking out dog daycare for my dog and while she’s gone, i will have an aide come in a few times a week and bathe my husband, change his bed and him. To not have to do that a few times a week will help my stress level because I have gotten to the point I dread it.
If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will.

As for the people who tell you that you need to repay your mother for taking care of you, that is so terribly unfair. I don’t know any parents who feel that way about their kids. Just shake your head and move on. These people have no clue.
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anonymous882968 May 13, 2019
isnt your home exempt?
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"I am caring for my mother, living in my home with arthritis, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, and vision problems." You are not a nursing home. Go get a consult with a geriatric social worker or geriatric nurse practitioner and check into getting your mother on Medicaid so that you can get her name on the list for nursing homes. None of your mother's problems is fatal and she may well live another 10 or 20 years. She may outlive you!
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Cakesforyou May 14, 2019
I think you’re right, NY!
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Not everyone says “She took care of you and now you get to repay her.” Perhaps it worked that way 100 years ago, when there were few options and anyway most old people died so much earlier. Young people normally have babies for their own reasons, and it isn’t because they are planning ahead for 60 years time to get free care themselves. You can still love your mother and do your best for her, without being an unpaid employee in a one-on-one nursing home. Check out all your options, and don’t guilt yourself into ruling any of them out. Love yourself and your husband as well as your mother!
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Cakesforyou May 14, 2019
Awesome advice, Margaret! Thanks
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Hi,
First, happy Mother’s Day to you. You have no idea what a blessing you are to your mom. She may not express it but I’m sure this was not how she would’ve wanted to you to feel so emotionally drained and exhausted.
My mother suffered a hard fall and it’s only been two weeks but already caring for her has taken a greater toll on me. She is not able to walk at the moment and I’m sure it’s partly muscle soreness and the other fear of falling again. So I’m dealing with trying to get to do her PT but not been too successful at it today. I’m hopeful tomorrow will be better. I’m very fortunate to have a very caring and supportive husband. He keeps me calm and helps me with lifting and moving mom.
We both love gardening, so after seeing to my mom after dinner. I joined him to go to a garden center. It was refreshing to step out of the house if for only about 45 mins.
Take time to enjoy your Mother’s Day do something you enjoy if only for a few minutes.

Blessings and prayers to all caregivers for strength and discernment in the care of those we love most.
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Cakesforyou May 14, 2019
Thanks, Raquel.
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You should look those people straight in the eye and ask them when they are coming over to help and if not tell them to shut it. You will feel better
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Cakesforyou May 14, 2019
Even her own ophthalmologist said that to me, Panda:(
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Just *suppose* "everyone" is right. Just suppose it *were* a correct principle, that because your mother took care of you, you now owe her care in return.

Would that make it all all right? Would that mean that this job is not overwhelming, exhausting, stressful, often murderously boring, and of uncertain duration?

You look after your mother because in spite of everything you do love her and you do feel responsible for her (whether or not that's fair). But it is STILL incredibly hard, and you are still entitled to think "this sucks." And so it does.

So, what can be done that would help? You say your mother can't afford AL, and evidently you're not prepared to look on that as being her problem and let her take whatever care is provided for people who can't afford to pay. But that doesn't mean she can't afford *any* care, or any help for you. What about respite breaks? Have you looked into what services might be available to her locally? Any support, any time off, has got to be better than none at all.
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Cakesforyou May 14, 2019
Great advice, mouse.
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You're not alone. I'm not a mom, but I am a full time caregiver for my mom. It was hard on me today when my sister dropped in to say she's visiting a special tulip exhibit at a nearby Botanical garden and planning a fun trip to Amish country with her husband. And here I sit, lucky to get 2 hours a week off for errands.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 12, 2019
How long did your siblings stay? A miracle that mine came at all. Stayed all of 30 minutes! Woo hoo. I got lucky because I ran an errand while hubby was here and missed them! Yay! Because the site of them makes me gag! Showing up once in a blue Moon 🌚 for less than an hour makes them feel special! Oh my gosh. they have it so freakin easy while I do everything!
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You are not alone. I am taking care of my mom in our home also. Can I ask if your mother receives social security every month? Maybe you could use some of that money to hire an outside caregiver to come in and give you a little respite. Even if it is just a few hours a week, it may help you to get out.

I know it is hard and no one understands unless they are in, or have been in, the situation. You will be better off ignoring those who don't have a clue. They have no idea and they never will.
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Cakesforyou May 14, 2019
Yes, she does receive a small monthly income. Great idea, panini
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Thankfully Mother's Day is over.
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