Today has been an especially bad day for me. Here it’s Mother’s Day and I am trapped and isolated taking care of my mother in my home.

It is the same at my house. Mom has been here 7 mos & although retired, we have no time for us. We have to hire a sitter to go to a luncheon. I think she can do more for herself than what she lets on, she just wants me to go it! Mother’s Day was hard. I didn’t enjoy being with her because all she does is complain! It was hard to find a card even as no words “fit” the day.
My mom didn’t prepare either so long term care is all that’s open to her but she needs people her own age & activities to go with them that she enjoys. Looking into it!!!

I dont know the situation, but you mention VA. I'm retired AF, so just make sure you check all avenues through the military/VA resources. She may qualify for something additional. Have a better day today oxox

My mom didn’t plan either. She’s been in my home 7 mos. I cry daily, she’s manipulative, nasty & spiteful. In Va you can’t get into AL unless you have long term care insurance or cash. An admissions director at a nursing home told me to contact my local social services office & apply for Medicaid. They have been a god send. I applied, waiting to hear. They send a nurse to assess & due to Mom needing help with most things she’s eligible for a long term care facility. She may hate me more but I can’t continue. I dread waking up to another day with her. We will both be the better for it in the end. She needs people her own age & senior activities.

Thankfully Mother's Day is over.

Just *suppose* "everyone" is right. Just suppose it *were* a correct principle, that because your mother took care of you, you now owe her care in return.

Would that make it all all right? Would that mean that this job is not overwhelming, exhausting, stressful, often murderously boring, and of uncertain duration?

You look after your mother because in spite of everything you do love her and you do feel responsible for her (whether or not that's fair). But it is STILL incredibly hard, and you are still entitled to think "this sucks." And so it does.

So, what can be done that would help? You say your mother can't afford AL, and evidently you're not prepared to look on that as being her problem and let her take whatever care is provided for people who can't afford to pay. But that doesn't mean she can't afford *any* care, or any help for you. What about respite breaks? Have you looked into what services might be available to her locally? Any support, any time off, has got to be better than none at all.

Not everyone says “She took care of you and now you get to repay her.” Perhaps it worked that way 100 years ago, when there were few options and anyway most old people died so much earlier. Young people normally have babies for their own reasons, and it isn’t because they are planning ahead for 60 years time to get free care themselves. You can still love your mother and do your best for her, without being an unpaid employee in a one-on-one nursing home. Check out all your options, and don’t guilt yourself into ruling any of them out. Love yourself and your husband as well as your mother!

You should look those people straight in the eye and ask them when they are coming over to help and if not tell them to shut it. You will feel better

You are not alone. I am taking care of my mom in our home also. Can I ask if your mother receives social security every month? Maybe you could use some of that money to hire an outside caregiver to come in and give you a little respite. Even if it is just a few hours a week, it may help you to get out.

I know it is hard and no one understands unless they are in, or have been in, the situation. You will be better off ignoring those who don't have a clue. They have no idea and they never will.

You're not alone. I'm not a mom, but I am a full time caregiver for my mom. It was hard on me today when my sister dropped in to say she's visiting a special tulip exhibit at a nearby Botanical garden and planning a fun trip to Amish country with her husband. And here I sit, lucky to get 2 hours a week off for errands.

Hi,
First, happy Mother’s Day to you. You have no idea what a blessing you are to your mom. She may not express it but I’m sure this was not how she would’ve wanted to you to feel so emotionally drained and exhausted.
My mother suffered a hard fall and it’s only been two weeks but already caring for her has taken a greater toll on me. She is not able to walk at the moment and I’m sure it’s partly muscle soreness and the other fear of falling again. So I’m dealing with trying to get to do her PT but not been too successful at it today. I’m hopeful tomorrow will be better. I’m very fortunate to have a very caring and supportive husband. He keeps me calm and helps me with lifting and moving mom.
We both love gardening, so after seeing to my mom after dinner. I joined him to go to a garden center. It was refreshing to step out of the house if for only about 45 mins.
Take time to enjoy your Mother’s Day do something you enjoy if only for a few minutes.

Blessings and prayers to all caregivers for strength and discernment in the care of those we love most.

"I am caring for my mother, living in my home with arthritis, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, and vision problems." You are not a nursing home. Go get a consult with a geriatric social worker or geriatric nurse practitioner and check into getting your mother on Medicaid so that you can get her name on the list for nursing homes. None of your mother's problems is fatal and she may well live another 10 or 20 years. She may outlive you!

🤗🤗🤗

I understand how you feel. We all have those days when we have reached our limit. I do the same for my husband as you do for your mom. Only my husband is bedridden. He’s a large man and to change and bathe him, I have to use all my strength to push him over in his bed. He has already vehemently protested any suggestions of a facility. We couldn’t afford one anyway. Even with a Medicaid Waiver, I’d lose my house and have to re-home my dog.

Here is what I am planning to do. I have already gotten a part time job. It’s to help with the bills, but it gets me out each day for a few hours. I’m checking out dog daycare for my dog and while she’s gone, i will have an aide come in a few times a week and bathe my husband, change his bed and him. To not have to do that a few times a week will help my stress level because I have gotten to the point I dread it.
If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will.

As for the people who tell you that you need to repay your mother for taking care of you, that is so terribly unfair. I don’t know any parents who feel that way about their kids. Just shake your head and move on. These people have no clue.

You may want to consider LTC if Mom has no assets. Medicaid may pick up the tab. Our excuse, DH is retiring and you want the time together. All you owe Mom is a place where is is clean, safe, fed and cared for.

We are twins! Same situation here. Hugs from one full time caregiver to another.