My husband is displaying some signs of dementia. How can I best bring up the subject with him? I don't think he is going to be receptive.

Hibiscus girl, I would send the doctor a note outlining the problems you are seeing (including his explosiveness) and ask how to proceed.

Years ago, my first husband had a sudden change in personality. I called his neurologist and explained what I was seeing.

The neuro called my then husband, asked him to come in (without mentioning my call) and changed up his meds, doc made up some story about the med having newly reported side effects.

Get in touch with the doctor soon.

If I were in your very challenging situation, I think I would have a very truthful but gentle discussion with him about how you're seeing changes in him and it's concerning to you -- and video this conversation in case he forgets about it later.

In your discusion mention:
- he himself knows he had a brain injury and was told the risks to his health and cognition.
- him having a check-up not only respects himself but respects you and makes your future together as good as it can be.
- you do not agree to carry on as either his wife or caregiver if he chooses to live in denial because you fear his worsening temper and uncooperativeness, which will make any future marriage and caregiving a living hell for you.
- to move forward as his wife and caregiver he agrees to see the doctor right away, agrees to make you his DPoA (if you aren't already) and agrees to carry through with any and all therapies and treatments recommended.

And then you must carry through with your decision, i.e. you will leave if he doesn't agree to the above. I honestly don't know how else to motivate someone in this situation. If he has an episode of explosive temper you can and should call 911. At that point they'll probably take him to the ER and maybe there he can be assessed. You have the option of telling the discharge office that he is an "unsafe discharge" due to his worsening temper and resistance to treatment.

The caregiving arrangement isn't working if it only works for one of the two people. I wish you success in getting him to the doctor, and peace in your heart no matter what transpires.

We made an appointment with a neurologist to get clarity and testing. The doctor was very interested in me and what I've witnessed. I really felt like an intruder in the meeting, but I came to understand that the doctor was trying to fit pieces of the puzzle and there would be a great dark hole where the patient couldn't, or wouldn't, divulge the truth.

I pray that those smart people who are fighting our pandemic will use their skills to eliminate Dementia and perhaps create a vaccine that will save the generations to come: it's a humanitarian crisis.

Just let your husband know that you want the assessment so that you don't suffer from anxiety and, you cannot possibly help him if you don't know what is going on and how to manage it. It is an incurable disease, so it will take a village to manage it, this forum is our village, but we also need medical and legal advisors. Let your husband know, it's a team effort and you are on your husband's team, just like those wedding vows were written.

Call his doctor to tell him what is going on. Have them call to schedule an appointment to refill his meds. They can let him know that they won't refill without him coming in. Then when he goes he can be tested. My mom does really well with "you have a memory issue" because she knows it. The one medication she doesn't mind taking is the one for her memory.
You must get ahead of this. He may can try some medications that will help his memory and he probably will need an anti-depressent for the mood swings.

It's worrisome to me that you're living with a man who has an explosive temper and who's also in denial that he's having memory issues. That can lead to him hurting you without even wanting to, or realizing that he's doing so, especially if dementia is at play, which is more likely due to the massive brain bleed he had in 2012. Normal age related memory issues do not make a person forget entire conversations they've had. Hearing impairments can lead to dementia as well, or mimic dementia, so I think it's important you DO get him to the doctor for a full medical workup. Maybe you can tell him it's a new Medicare requirement to have a physical every year to keep the insurance in force? Or suggest his hearing has to be checked so he can get hearing aids. Tell him that if he fixes his hearing, perhaps that will solve his 'forgetfulness' issues too, and wouldn't that be nice?

In the meantime, don't bring up your fears of him having dementia b/c he may go ballistic on you. In case he does, call 911 and have him taken to the ER for a psych evaluation, which is probably the best idea ANYWAY. If he raises a hand to you, do not hesitate to call 911. If you do get him to agree to go to the doctor, see about sending him a message beforehand expressing your concerns and mention DHs explosive temper and your fears of dementia.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I hope you stay safe and call 911 if and when you feel in danger.

Intermittent explosive anger syndrome can exist alongside other mental issues. A stroke or a brain bleed adds to the problem. This was the case with a LO in my family. His rehab docs sent him to a neuropsychologist for extensive testing. That got a diagnosis and meds that helped, but not enough. He refused treatment for his cognitive and addiction issues, so nothing much could be done for him and he never got better. Just FYI.

Some people don't know that they have dementia. Others realize that they are not what they used to be. The thought of having dementia can cause fear and anguish. I also feel that it is not necessary to use that word, although it is wise to prepare for a time when we can no longer take care of ourselves and need more care. While he is still able to sign legal papers, make sure that all of his and your paperwork is in order. You both should set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, in the event that you are unable to make these decisions. You both also should have living wills with your advance medical directives and wills, if you have assets. You may need an attorney for this. A local social worker can advise whether there are resources in the community that can assist with these legal documents, if needed. Have a plan for the time when he (or you) may no longer be able to take care of yourselves. Would you want to have in-home caregivers, or move to an assisted living/memory care facility where there are skilled staff, other people of the same age, ability-appropriate activities, and a higher level of care? This is a discussion that every responsible adult should have - hopefully you'll never have to use your Plan B. People with dementia often go through personality changes. These are often stages that they pass through. You can't reason or argue with people who have dementia. Re-direction is best. If there are senior caregiving groups in your area, you may want to connect with them so that you have more people to speak with. All the best to you both.

HibiscusGirl, it could be just regular age decline and not dementia.

My Mom had lost most of her hearing due to age related decline, and was still sharp in her early 90's. The fact that she had difficulty in hearing made others think she had dementia.

Let's not forget, some people just have "selective hearing". My sig-other does. If it isn't sports he is not focused :(

I find the best way to handle that is to talk with a doctor or elder care social worker. They can help you refine your approach and perhaps help you deliver the message. That is particularly important given his past medical troubles and brain bleed. You don't want him to become explosive when all you're trying to do is to be helpful. Additionally, if he is afraid of the memory test, try to have a conversation with him about why he may be afraid. More than likely he is afraid of getting confirmation of what he may already know is true. But getting him to specifically say that out loud could be a big step toward getting him some help.

Why is it necessary to tell him he has dementia? He is seemingly frightened that it is the case. My husband was also very hard of hearing even with his hearing aids and communication was difficult. But during the almost 5 years of dealing with his worsening Alzheimer's I never mentioned dementia to him. If nothing can be done about it, why press that diagnosis on him? I understand your husband has other brain damage maybe, but why insist on telling him? He is frightened and needs your reassurance that you will be there for him. I know how long and lonely the walk can be. Blessings.