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90 years oldBacked out of Cremation; mother still paid for hers and is all set.Won't give any ownership to checking account.Won't talk about POA for Finances or Health.Does have a Will and Life Insurance.He lives 1500 miles away from us.He is "hurt / angry" for us dragging (which we did not) him to the bank and cremation business.Thinks his only child is going to take his money - we have plenty of money; we just want things "smoother" when the time comes.

Leave dad alone and understand there will be hassles at his death. I’m sorry you’re in this position but he’s not bending and the relationship matters more than the legalities
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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He's 90? I'd say he's done a pretty good job up to now, and since he has a will and life insurance, I'd say leave him be.
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Reply to MonteC
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My parents had no Will (Intestate) and they did not have a POA. I navigated taking charge of both of them in separate facilities and hospitals. I became a court appointed Guardian to my mom. Both of my parents are deceased. My mom passed recently, so I am the Administratrix of my mom's estate. I sold her house to help pay for her care. The remaining money should go to me the next of kin. It is not fun, but be prepared. You will have to deal with courts, paperwork and fees while you are still grieving and move on with your life. Money that you would think is rightfully yours, is not until the court says so. No one prepares you for the red tape that you have to go through at the end. I know for a fact, that even if your dad had a will, you still have to go through the courts.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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Patathome01 Jul 27, 2025
Yes, I agree could become a mess. If anyone has struggles while grieving, talk with a social worker or therapist.
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I get you are concerned about a mess in the future. But you can only do what you can do and have to let the rest go and pick up the pieces later. It is possible to push too hard. I know this from making my own mistakes. You need to back off about this and try to get back to a normal loving relationship with him. Talk on the phone regularly. Just everyday stuff. Win back his trust and goodwill. Maybe visit, but don't bring anything up. This is important to do now - repair. Idk why you need ownership of his checking account, unless he has dementia and can't deal with payments, but all recurring payments can and should be automatic at this point in his life anyway. But it's not your problem. Having no POA is a problem only if he cannot do things for himself anymore. You don't say if there is a definite cognitive problem on the horizon. My dad was as stubborn and unreasonable as yours (although he had faith in his lawyer and therefore did do a POA and Healthcare proxy). It was actually a blessing no one else was named on his checking account because we had no obligation for his debts. It is unfortunate that some people don't realize or care they need to set things up so their children don't have to slog through a lot of crap, but it is what it is. Also, just thinking, after he has some time to think about what you want, he may come around. Especially if he has friends that he may complain to who may be more savvy about these decisions and actions and might talk him into it. I noticed this in my dad.
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Reply to jolobo
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If your dad is cognizant then these decisions are up to him.
If he is cognizant he does not "need" to name a POA. And legally if m om is cognizant she is the one that will be making decisions for him.
You can remind him ONE TIME that if something does happen (mom and) you will be making decisions based on what you know at the time and what you might think he would want.
I have to ask why you would "drag" anyone to the bank and to a funeral home/crematory ?
You may want things "smoother when the time comes" but I think you should strive for a "smoother" relationship NOW and forget about his future.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Stardust Jul 21, 2025
OP said DAD SAID they dragged him to the bank, and then said they did not do so!
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NEWMEXIO62, it will all work itself in time. If you feel insecure make your own plans and don't worry what he might want, he probably doesn't know. I was married 3 times, none of them could plan for their death, except my latest husband. He wanted to be buried with his family, other than he didn't care . He had a plot he bought with his sister and brother. I had him cremated and buried him in a ammunition box, he was a life member of the NRA. My poor cousin had no information on what his mother wanted, she had a plot next to her late husband. So we had her cremated, and he buried her in a cookie jar that she loved and was big enough. Personally, I thought it was ugly but she loved it.

You might take this time to plan your own end of life. it will keep you busy.
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Reply to MaryKathleen
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I will just say that I would no more have dragged my parents to a cremation service when they are alive than I would have thrown then from a bridge. I think that is the height of indelicacy; just saying.

That given, if your father has dementia and is endangering his funds, you should feel free to step forward, assist in his diagnosis, and and act as his conservator or his guardian after court appointment.

You just want things smoother? So I am 83, and am dealing with my second (in my lifetime) bout of breast cancer. Guess I can expect my daughter at the house discussing my cremation at any time? Just so happens I have discussed EVERYTHING with her all my LIFE and hers because I LOVE her. So telling her what establishment will cremate me has already been discussed.
I BROUGHT THE SUBJECT UP MYSELF.
She would have never done such a thing. Her only concern is what my end of life wishes are, who will carry them out if I am unable, and how best to support me and love on me.

While you may be the kindest and most throughful son/daughter in the world, I must say that is not how you are coming across. Perhaps you should "say more". Convince me of all the love you feel for Dad, and how his end of life care is so important to you in keeping him safe, happy and comfortable.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Stardust Jul 21, 2025
OP said DAD SAID they dragged him to the bank, and then said they did not do so!
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NewMexico62: Just strive for a smoother relationship NOW.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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So love him, live your life, and ask Mom what she wants you to do. If he predeceases her, it's all up to her anyway. I agree that you should focus on the relationship instead of what happens after he dies or is incapacitated. If you just can't let it go, turn it around. Say "Dad, if anything happens to you and Mom can't deal with it, what do you want me to do? I'll follow your instructions."
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Reply to DrBenshir
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As for accessing his accounts, he can set up a "payable on death" at the bank or make you beneficiary on insurances so you can't "steal" his money but you will have immediate access to it after he passes.

One way to get to some elderly is to tell them how much probate costs. Even if they have money, they don't like to spend it on lawyers so they are willing to set things up. You could make an appt with an estate attorney and let him speak to them privately. IN advance, you could explain his unfounded fears and ask them to help him find ways to settle his affairs without giving you full access while he is alive. His fears are real to him and it is better to act in a way that makes him feel comfortable.
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Reply to Lovemom1941
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