My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
Unless there is a plan in place, you won’t have their mother for a visit, because that might make everyone think it can be permanent. (Or, bluntly, it may be hard to make her leave.) I wouldn’t go into the potential difficulties between the sisters – that’s not the point. I wouldn’t explain your own workload problems – that’s not the point either. Keep referring to her as YOUR mother. Give your sympathy for dealing with a difficult situation. It’s very very important not to leave this vague!
No discussion. No argument. A simple and kind and polite "no".
Your cousins, if they wish to have no part in your Aunt's care can request that the court provide a Fiduciary and that Aunt become a ward of the State who will manage her finances and her care.
Of course she feels lost & unsure at this time. But she will need to talk to her adult children about her situation. Talking to the leader in her faith (if she has one) would also be normal to do at this time.
"my mom could visit her for a short time"
If your Mother is able-bodied, she can go visit her sister if she likes.
Visitors cannot just lob onto your doorstep - even family. Visitors must work in with what suits their host. Also must also be able bodied, no-one should feel entitled to turn up to be 'nursed'.
The two sisters may enjoy many phone chats instead. That would be my suggestion for now.
I am amazed aunt was able to organize entire move like this by herself and find another place to live several states away. I guess she's not as helpless as she would have everyone believe.
I shared this to say that no is an answer. No is to the point and is a sufficient response. You don't have to give a reason, but if you want to, that's your decision. Although I love my uncle, I have no regrets with that decision. I am very grateful that I was able to be there for my mom and my aunt.
NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!
No lengthy explanations, no excuses, no need to give reasons.
A woman invites herself to live with your mother? On what planet is THAT okay?
I don't care if she is an emotional disaster area or one of the Borgias or Typhoid Mary, it doesn't matter to you and mother why her husband died, where she lives or how she will manage. These issues are hers to solve, and it is not for your mother to rescue her from any mess she may have made.
You and mother can help one another practise, actually - you have to say "completely impractical. No." without adding anything, looking away or letting your heart rate rise. Once you can do that, you say it to aunt.
When is your mother visiting her? I didn't like the sound of that. Can you or DH pick her up to make sure there aren't any stowaways?
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