My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
You have a full plate, caring for your mom and your family/marriage. Do not feel obligated to take on any prior arrangement between your Aunt & mom. Priority is YOUR marriage and peace of mind.
Please check dates before responding. Even 2 months is pretty far out. It brings the post back to the top. Set the thread to "newest first". Then you see the updates.
Here are some tips to help in your communications with your cousins and aunt.
Also, realize your mom is probably avoiding the topic with her sister so you will have to be the bad guy in this situation.
Boundaries:
Here are some examples of healthy boundaries. Family members:
• ask permission.
• take one another’s feelings into consideration.
• are honest and direct.
• clearly communicate their wants, needs, and feelings.
• give each other space.
• avoid codependent behaviors.
• show respect for differing perspectives, opinions, and feelings.
Here are some phrases that might help:
Excerpt from the setting healthy boundaries worksheet link below:
“I appreciate your concern, but this is my decision.”
“I respect your opinion, but I don’t share it.”
“I will no longer be in the middle of family conflict.”
“Please stop asking/saying/doing _________.”
“I understand your frustration, but I am choosing __________.”
What are boundaries?
https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/what-are-boundaries/
Setting Healthy Boundaries
https://www.betweensessions.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Setting-Healthy-Boundaries-with-Family-Members_ad_040622-1.pdf
Are you planning on telling ur cousin? Well now you and Mom know she was playing you. And that Aunt she was taking advantage of doesn't have to do for her anymore. Would love to know how she did it.
My gosh! She actually wanted people to “worry a little bit.” Geeeez, that’s telling, isn’t it?
You don’t need that kind of crap in your life. Good riddance!
I am amazed aunt was able to organize entire move like this by herself and find another place to live several states away. I guess she's not as helpless as she would have everyone believe.
Once you are knee deep into it, call me and we can commiserate with one another.
Simple as that. What come back could they possibly have...it's their mother!
I do feel guilty about not inviting a friend to Christmas dinner. There was enough food and room. But she was such a downer at times. And took the littlest kindness from someone and thought they wanted to be her forever friend. It was sad. She made her problems. She was her own worst enemy. Yep, she would have expected it every Christmas. I am not sure if she was invited anywhere, she was estranged from her kids. So, I know how you feel with this Aunt.
Don't be tempted to get 1% involved.
If Aunt A starts again with requests for Aunt B in any way it may be time for a blunt chat again. "I don't help at all with Aunt B anymore".
Suggest a taxi.
Let them decide to use or not.
Consequences are theirs.
You cannot take care of 2 people, one is more than enough.
Tell them politely or not, it is not feasible.
The nerve of some people is mind-boggling; to be calling you multiple times a day and expecting you to drop what you're doing and be their delivery/drop off service is beyond absurd.
The next time A Aunt calls, tell her you do not want to be involved with A Aunts problems. You don't have the time. Tell A Aunt if B Aunt is overwhelming her, she needs to tell her sister she needs to do it herself or enter an AL where she can be cared for. You have your Mom and a job, enough on your plate. Time for cousins and Aunts children to get involved.
So as time passes, I started to get annoyed and I realized the reason that B wants us to call A when we are on the way over is so she can avoid us and not answer the door or see us when we are running her errand. While I don't want to see B, I find it very offensive that she is trying to use another person to get me to run an errand for her, then wants me to call this person when I am almost to her house so she can have a warning to hide from me. And she can't answer the phone when I am taking time out of my busy day to do her a favor?
So while I am taking some time figuring out how I want to proceed in this situation, Aunt A keeps calling 3-4 times per day probably Aunt B's behest. This is not an emergency, it's just some boxes and I never committed to a day or time when A called last weekend. I finally answered one of A's calls on Wednesday and she said that B had decided to take a cab over and get the boxes herself. I thought, perfect, problem solved! All was quiet for 3 days, now A has started calling again. What little game has B come up with now?
I did have one question, though (which you may not know the answer to) -- do your mother and your aunt regularly communicate? Or has your aunt cut down on that, too, since your mother isn't going to get you to do things for her sister.