Okay so my grandmother is starting to show early signs of dementia, and lived alone. My younger sister and her boyfriend moved into her 2nd floor because of her bad knees and her not being able to use the steps. My sister was supposed to clean up downstairs, do dishes and laundry for her, just take care of the house and make sure she took her medicine, bathed, and ate. Its now 2 and a half years later. The house is completely disgusting. There's feces all over the first floor due to her toilet over flowing constantly from her trying to flush dirty depends. She wasn't taking care of her diabetes and recently lost her foot. The infection kept spreading so they had to take it up to her knee. She's been in and out of the hospital for infection after infection but still always wants to go home where she can chain smoke her cigarettes. But now my grandmother just lays on a filthy couch in her front room, she usually doesn't even have the strength or is too lazy to sit up without help. That's another problem, she's lazy and wants everything done for her. She can't get herself in her wheelchair, or on and off the toilet. And my sister works and can't help her all the time. And my grandmother is a heavy woman, my sister is tiny. She can't lift her. My father who has her power of attorney moved away so he wouldn't have to go help her every time she calls. He spends her money. That's all he does. My sisters boyfriend is a big guy but won't help lift her or anything because she is always covered in her own filth, because she wears the same dirty depend for a week. She hasn't been bathed in 4 years. Her hair is so matted its just horrible. She hasn't had any interest in taking care of herself since she retired. My sister and her boyfriend try to just stay upstairs. So they don't have to deal with her.

Is there a number I can call or look up to tell them she needs to be in a home, or just that her living conditions are horrible, or all of that? It's just horrible.

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Your grandmother is resistant to care.
Your sister is willing but not able.
Her boyfriend is able but not willing (not that I blame him).
Your father appears to have a fundamental misunderstanding of POA responsibilities.

And what you have after more than two years is a ghastly mess. Apportioning blame isn't the priority; making changes is. So call APS - they're the professionals.
Helpful Answer (9)

Call APS -adult protection services.
Helpful Answer (8)

I second goldens advice. In fact - from what you’re describing I think this is the only way to go, unless you call the police.

What’s going on is despicable.

Do the right thing - and to hell with your family members who are allowing your grandmother to live in conditions - that if it were an animal it would be considered abuse. I have no idea if your father and sister could be held legally accountable for this - but surely no one can argue that grandma is in her right mind and thus be allowed to live as she chooses.

Pick up the phone and make the call. APS or 911.
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Adult Protective Services. Yes! First thing Monday morning. They will go out to investigate. We sometimes read of situations where no one will let them in. Could you offer to be there to let them in? Do you have a key? You can leave as soon as they are in the house. (Perhaps not let your GM see you -- I don't know about that.) But they need to be informed of this outrageous situation, and they need to be able to get in to talk to your grandmother.
Helpful Answer (7)

The only answer you are getting here...CALL APS
Do it today. Do it now.
Helpful Answer (6)

You are going to have to be strong and tell APS AND all the doctors and nurses how things really are.

Grandma and I expect sister and father too, will likely be angry with you. You have to push past that.

I had an aunt who wasn’t quite right in the head - lived in squalor, alone on top of a hill, surrounded by her own property- very treed and very secluded. She was paranoid and known to shot at anyone on her land.

My mother did nothing for years - I guess, thinking letting her sister live as she pleased was the right way to go.

Finally, on my moms last visit my aunt tried to whack my mom in the head with a crowbar. Mom called the police and a SWAT unit took her down off the hill by force. My aunt was in her early 80’s if you can believe it!

It was too little too late and my aunt died about 10 days later in a nursing home.

Don’t wait until it’s too late for your grandma.
Helpful Answer (1)

I just want to thank everyone who answered. I'm going to follow through with your suggestions tomorrow. Its just hard because my grandma has lived there her whole life and just always wants to go back home, fully aware she can't care for herself. She just doesn't care as long as she can smoke. But I fear she's going to burn the house down. She let's her ash trays overflow. And when she speaks with nurses, doctors, anyone+ she makes it seem like she's perfectly fine. That she can get on and off the toilet by herself.
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