I am in my 60's, retired early because I was overseeing my Mom's needs.
Our family was close, but since my Mother's death a couple of years ago, my relationship with my two siblings is almost non-existent. I keep trying to reach out to them. One sibling and his wife have an attitude that they don't want to bother with anyone else's issues. The other sibling is handling his life, but now spends most of his time with his son who has stopped working.
I am single, no children, no close relatives anymore, and no close friends. I've tried joining groups, but every time there is an event, I back out. I have no interest in much these days. I've thought about getting part time work, but haven't tried hard enough. I've been shut up in my home the last year due to Covid. I basically sit in my recliner, watch TV or surf the net, and take naps all day. That's the extent of my life.
The past few years I have ALWAYS been the one to initiate getting together with relatives or friends. I can't take much more of this. I don't know what else I can do.
1. Give medication time to work.
2. Do simple exercise like walking each day.
3. Write out on paper what you would like your life to look like. Read it every week.
4. Do something for yourself; new shoes; new haircut; new bedding, etc..
5. Push yourself to go to one social event. Reward yourself afterwards…even if you had a miserable time.
6. Get involved in a job or volunteer program where you are helping others less fortunate.
7. Remember that isolation is not healthy for your mind.
I know these seem overwhelming when you are alone and in the routine of little contact with the outside world. It’s so much easier to give into depressive thoughts than to go out. Just do one of the seven a day (well… take any meds daily!). If I can do this… anyone can. I’m already so impressed that you reached out on this forum! I’m excited to hear back from you! You can do this! Warmly ~ Sunny ☀️
Feeling a little down is normal. Unless it is necessary, avoid adding your name to the millions on anti-depressive medications, which may dull your emotions (and potentially make you feel worse overall) while at the same time causing a litany of side effects.
Don’t despair! Your future friends are out there, waiting to meet you and feeling lonely too.
Forget about the siblings and relatives that haven’t extended any return invitations. You’ve made your effort there- apparently this isn’t the greatest “investment” of your time - so let that go, while feeling satisfied, knowing you’ve done your best. Lots of us have found that once the bond that held us together (our parents) is gone, we really don’t have that much in common with our siblings.
Rather than joining groups to meet people, join groups because you love the underlying activity. That way, you’ll meet the “right” people for you who share the same interests. If you feel like you’ve already done this, keep trying. Focus on the activity (not the people) and the friends will fall into place.
Remember to appreciate the gift of time alone. There are many people reading your question who may be envious of your ability to have the time for a good book or your ability to control the remote. (I haven’t been able to “really” choose a program for about 18 years-during normal “waking” hours). There are plenty of horrible marriages, abusive parent-adult child relationships and overscheduled calendars. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but don’t forget it is nice and green (to everyone else) right where you’re standing.
This is the perfect time to reinitiate life: start a book club, create an urban hiking club, or revitalize a bunko group in the neighborhood. If you organize others, you will be part of their loneliness solution.
if you don’t have a pet, they can be wonderful and entertaining companions!
Personally I have found it very rewarding to work on charity projects in my community. (These will fill your calendar fast)! When life has fully reopened, there will be no shortage of schools and shelters, religious institutions, and even hospitals that would appreciate your time and talents. In the meantime, drop off dinner to someone undergoing surgery or newly mourning. It will make you (and them) feel better.
I totally agree with Alva, ditch your family if they aren’t going to be close. Or how about, accepting them for who they are and not allowing them to cripple you from moving forward. Sure, in an ideal world, everyone would have a loving and supportive family with similar values in common. That isn’t always the case.
Work with a therapist to concentrate on YOU and healing any past issues, in order to progress to a better place in your life.
Plus, you never know how things will end up with your siblings down the road, but If you and your siblings remain going in separate directions, so be it. Take control of your own life.
Take baby steps. Nothing is solved overnight. It takes time to build a life that you will be content and productive.
I had no idea the actor Matthew McChonaughey was giving inspirational speeches but he has a knack for it. It's only 5 minutes long. He says that while achieving a fulfilling life is difficult, there are some first steps we can take.
When I was at my lowest point during caregiving, I watched many motivational/inspirational seminars. Even if I couldn't achieve all the things these successful people were talking about, I got a big mental boost from watching the videos and started crawling back towards life. Can you put something uplifting on? Humans are amazing and we can come back from darn near anything.
You may need medication, or supplements, for physical or psychiatric symptoms and reaching out for help determining that would be a good first step, too.
I can identify with your feelings, I have felt that way a lot in the last few years. I know that even the simplest things can seem overwhelming. If you can get yourself to do just one simple thing, though, that can give you enough of a start to do something else. Try to fill your mind with enough other things that you can forget your siblings for as much as possible. They have already taken up enough of your life; don't let them have any more.
Think about maybe reading a book instead of watching tv. It doesn't seem like much of a difference, but you are more actively engaged when you read. I would recommend "West With the Night" by Beryl Markham. You can get it on Barnes and Noble. Every time I read the book I am inspired by this early woman pilot. It is a great memoir and will get you out of yourself for a while.
Another small thing that could make a big impact would be to look at what you are eating. Buy some fresh fruits and vegetables that you can just eat raw and plain for breakfast or lunch. That requires very little effort and will awaken your tastes. Most of us tend to eat carbs when we are depressed because they are easy and give some immediate pleasure, but they tend to contribute to that leaden, tired feeling.
And keep posting! We are here to help you through this. You are obviously a very good person and you deserve to get good treatment from yourself. Hugs.
So I understand what others glibly call depression here. All the wise expressions in the world (let go and let god, grant me the wisdom to know the difference, etc.) do nothing to lift the crushing burden of sad memories and of being born into a dysfunctional family. There *are* functional families - - I've seen them in action. But mine is a far cry, a muffled whimper, from how things could have or should have been.
I agree with another here that moderate exercise can help, though. As for drugs, I don't know that course but imagine you're on them for the rest of your life, which doesn't sound like a solution. I also agree with others who say get *involved* in something out there -- a p/t job, volunteering, etc. For sure you have the right to be happy. From what you've said here, you've earned it.
Like you, I have felt lonely and isolated and abandoned because of my decision to care for MIL.
I chose to reach for happiness through Jesus. I go through my day expressing gratefulness for every little thing; thank you God for this coffee, it sure tastes good! Thank you God for this sunshine, it is so beautiful! Thank you God for this rain, it is so refreshing! Thank you God for my family memories, I sure had a good time when I was six...
At first, it is hard, because my heart was breaking. I felt I had lost so much.
But after awhile, I lost sight of the loss, and happiness crept back in. Soon, I was able to experience the "peace that passes all understanding" and "His unspeakable joy!"
It is kinda like Peter walking on water. As long as his eye was on Jesus, he did it! When Peter started thinking about his circumstances, he sank.
When your eye is on Jesus, you'll see more clearly the path you should take. A path that will lead to fulfillment, happiness, and purpose.
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