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I am truly burned out! Even though I removed myself from my father’s home I’m still stressed dealing with his BS! I was diagnosed with shingles. My father was evaluated by a new psychiatrist, his old psychiatrist transferred his care to a geriatric. Well, as usual he passed with flying colors for depression he scored a 1 so I guess I’m the nut. He is so manipulative. My father had my sister call my brother that had not set foot in his home for over 3 yrs, told him to call the police on me and that he was a prisoner in his own home. He also said he doesn’t know how much money he has in the bank cause I won’t take him. Well my brother didn’t fall for it. He talks really badly about me my father, told the new psychiatrist that I was his big problem. I had one caretaker tell me he is so verbally abusive she called the agency and told them never to send her back to care for him. I guess since he’s still knows the date, time, year no nursing home for him. What other options do I have??? I hired a caretaker that comes for 3 hrs on the weekends and during the week I have one that’s there 2 hrs a day. One caretaker said even though he can do things on his own he wants to be waited on had and foot. My sister tried staying with him but he has her running, she herself has some issues and can’t tolerate his negative behaviors. My brother refuses to care for him although he is saying that he can’t be left alone.

Of course he is ok with what he has in place.
He has YOU in place.
I wonder whether you can call APS on yourself ?
I called them for my sister/bil after he broke his hip.
We had already had so many bad experiences with the hospital trying to send famuily members home too early and I still had my husband after his stroke and my brother after his whatever that left him total care for over a year.
They were a big help. I am not sure what they actually did, but I told everyone I saw about them and why they had been called ……..and was amazed at the results. No early discharge attempts even when my sister later wound up in ICU with sepsis ( bil was the original patient).
All kinds of help at their house after discharges ( I still had to bundle up my 2 patients and carry them over every day, cook, clean, oversee etc and neglect my own house, but it was survivable) and a listening ear available.
Some men from a church even showed up and built a handicapped ramp and the trash collectors agreed to pick up the
trash from outside the ramp so I did not have to come and tote it down every Friday after the invalids were well enough to cope ( using the aids we were able to set in place).
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Reply to Jo123456
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Who is POA? Anyone?
If you are not then step away completely.
If your siblings do not step in and help dad then he can be reported as a vulnerable Senior.
You / the family can talk to an Elder Care Attorney. If your dad is deemed not competent and no one wants to be the responsible party he can be made a Ward of the State and the Court will appoint a Guardian.
If he has been diagnosed with Dementia, you mention Alzheimer's in your profile, he is not competent so a Court will have no problem granting Guardianship. Given that your father will probably be placed in a facility where there is room, you will not get a choice as to the location. You will also not get a say in his care.
If he has actually been diagnosed with dementia who ever is POA can have him placed in Memory Care. The facility does not need his consent. (He legally can not give consent)
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Reply to Grandma1954
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AlvaDeer Jun 15, 2021
According to the OP, "No one wants POA" so I am not certain if that means she cannot give away the one she holds or if no one holds one. However, and in any case, apparently this "gentleman" passed his testing with flying colors. That means no matter whomever holds POA they cannot act against his wishes. For me, I would be "out of there" but Zippy and Beattie are correct, our OP has likely been trained in accepting abusive behavior and staying; that is hard to break and requires some professional guidance before one can move away from this, let the state take over for him (or NOT) and make your own life. There should be a 12 step program for those addicted to abuse because of being raised up in it.
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You are truly between a rock & a hard place. "Leaving him to rot" also brings with it a lot of guilt, worry and other negative emotions b/c love is involved, even WITH the aggravation they cause. Not to mention, you will be called when the poop hits the fan, and hit the fan it will once the rotting begins, let's face it.

There is no easy answer with difficult parents. You are going to suffer one way or another. You are suffering less b/c you've moved out of the toxic wasteland. That's a start. Setting your phone to vibrate will cut down on the startle reflex when you hear the phone ring incessantly. At least you can listen to voice mails on YOUR terms and when you are psychically ready to.

When your father verbally abuses you, that's not ok so hang up the phone. Every. Single. Time. He will quickly understand you will not tolerate that behavior from him. Period.

Step back from whatever you can step back from. If the caretakers you've hired quit, they quit. You can't force someone to take care of a very difficult man. If your father needs and wants help, he will realize in short order that he has to treat people in a civilized manner in order to retain that help. If he doesn't, he will likely wind up in the hospital and then rehab, where they won't want to release him back to living alone. THAT is when you may be able to place him in AL or into a Skilled Nursing Facility if he can't be left alone (as determined by the rehab doctors).

In the meantime, make sure to take time for yourself. Meditate, relax, take long baths, get a massage, lunch with friends, etc Try to manage the stress & anxiety you WILL be taking on b/c you have a very difficult father in your life. They don't just magically disappear and going 'no contact' doesn't normally work for the vast majority of us poor slobs. So we try to strike some kind of balance between caring for THEM and caring for OURSELVES. Call your doctor if you need help ie: anti depressants or anti anxiety meds. There is no shame in doing that; you have a lot on your plate and you are human.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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As Zippys says...

*The right to rot*

If deemed 'competent' he can choose how to live. This including making bad decision, like canceling home help.

It sounds bad... but it will force change faster than enabling him to live alone (when he no longer can).
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Reply to Beatty
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Just go cold turkey no contact. You've done all you can, and nobody deserves to be subjected to verbal abuse. Leave him to rot.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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I am so very sorry that you have dealt with all of this strife in your life. Has your dad always been like this? I am truly sorry that you have been through the mill with him.

I am glad that you moved out. It sounds like you are trying everything possible to resolve these issues. I hope that you are able to place him in a nursing home as soon as possible, so you can have some well deserved peace and quiet.

All the best to you. Take care.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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I think you have been groomed to accept and take abuse. You are not in good health due to the stress of your father. You said he has multiple health issues. Turn this all over to Adult Protective Services. If you don’t make a change for the betterment of your own mental and physical health, your 85 year old father might outlive you. Seriously, please recognize that you need to move forward.
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Rhernandez20 Jun 14, 2021
i spoke with APS today and I told her I can no longer tolerate his bad behaviors and she told me to have the dr pull his face sheet and clinical information. I can’t believe how hard it is to put someone in a nursing home!
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I don't understand why good people put up with abuse from elderly people just because they are old. Stop doing for him before he ruins the rest of your life. Sorry to hear about the shingles.
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Reply to sp19690
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Your profile about your father states he is" ... 85 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's/dementia, depression, hearing loss, and mobility problems."

You have stated above that he has passed both a test for cognitive/memory issues and for depression. Are you getting the info directly from his doctors or is he telling you this info? If it's coming from the doctor's mouth to your ears, then your father is capable of taking care of himself.

If you are getting the info from your father, then...maybe it's "not accurate".

Shingles is awful and a testament to what stress you are under. I agree with the others who point out that you are in control of your situation and are not responsible for your father's happiness. Resign from your PoA and move out (as soon as you are able, even if it means "couch surfing" for a while) and move on with your life. Call APS and report him as a vulnerable adult and they will take care of his needs. It will be messy for a while but if you don't but up the boundary no one is going to do it for you. May you have peace in your heart as you are doing nothing wrong by letting him go.
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Rhernandez20 Jun 14, 2021
i moved out 2 months ago because I could no longer mentally deal with his nasty ways. Last October I was diagnosed with CSR which is also caused by stress. I actually spoke with the psychiatrist over video who also interviewed my father this is pure hell! I appreciate all the advice.
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I am relieved that your father was diagnosed as having so few problems. Now it is for you to believe them, and to use this GOOD NEWS to get on with your own life and remove yourself from his general trajectory, wherever it is taking him. As to your brother, I am so happy he has removed himself. That doesn't mean he can leave someone ELSE in his place, nor tell you what to do with your own life.
The truth is that it is much more EASY for us to remain in the habitual turnings of our world no matter how awful we understand they are for us. It is difficult to make healthy changes when we have utterly no idea what they might be nor how to do them. That means, for some of us and at some times in our lives (I include MYSELF here) we need the guidance of a good psychologist to help us see the truth of our world and to help guide us in changing for a healthier happier life. A Licensed Social Worker specially trained in life transitions work can work well as well, and is often more easily afforded
Your father? Well, as you were already told, he has his OWN habits which are working quite well for him. He will also have to make changes. As Beattie often says here "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions."
The ball is in your court. The choices are your own for your own life and no one can make them for you. And if you choose to make NO changes, then understand that as well is a choice, and that may make it easier. I wish you the very best. Hope you find your way toward things that may help you, and then come back and share them with others here, for you are not alone.
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Rhernandez20 Jun 14, 2021
Btw my father has many mental issues. Dementia, depression, narcissist. Thank you for your advice.
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Are you his POA and paying for the caretakers out of his money? I hope so!

This is too much stress on you (shingles)! Why not resign your POA (assuming you have it), and let someone else take over his care?

Not even 2 months ago you wrote this: " I am still staying 2 or 3 days a week and some weekends i work full time."

Are you still staying with him this amount of time?
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Reply to CTTN55
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Rhernandez20 Jun 14, 2021
No one wants the POA and yes I am still staying I cut back to 1 time a week to refill medications. I only say hi to him and then off to my side of the house. I do everything for him groceries, bills, appointments and home health. If I walk out he’s left on his own. I spoke with the APS this morning and she said the dr is the one that can recommended placement but after his evaluation dr note states that the veteran is okay with everything he has in place. Yes I am using his funds to pay for the weekend caretaker.
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