I am in a very complicated relationship and need advice. I am with a man 10 years older than me but we are still both young. We do not have any children together but he has two young kids from a previous marriage. We are very in love and have been very happy our time together.
His past is full of terrible mental and physical abuse and unfortunately within the last year his mental and physical health has began to decline rapidly. He and his ex do not have a custody agreement and their shared time with the children is worked out amongst themselves, due to his mental state he was not seeing the children for a few months until he was more stable (this worked out as they are in a different city and are safer from COVID where they are). We are now on the road to healing and things are looking up. He sees a therapist and with lots of support from me has worked towards improving his mental health.
Today he went to visit his father and came back with several decisions about himself, his health, and OUR future. He is not close to his family, but has an older brother who has some mental disabilities and can not live on his own. We will call him Joe. Joe is 40 years old and has the mental state of a 12 year old boy, he has lived with his father his whole life but the father is getting too old to care for him anymore. Joe can look after himself for the most part but needs a “parent” for help with meals, medications, staying on schedule, and getting to his learning centre. My husband came home and declared that his father would put a down payment on a house for us, Joe’s government money would pay the mortgage, and not only would we be moving, but Joe would be living with us for the rest of his life. I almost pooped my pants with the amount of weight that had just been dropped on my shoulders.
For the last year and a half I have been diligently caring for my partner and helping get him back to a place where we can enjoy our relationship, I have accepted his two children as my own and care for them very well when they are with us. I do all of the cooking and cleaning in our apartment and make sure my partner has everything he needs so the pressure of every day life does not do further harm to his mental state. I do EVERYTHING to maintain our relationship, I am also the main breadwinner in the house.
After being told that Joe would soon be our responsibility I simply said “well, we will have to talk” which sent my partner into a spiral about me being selfish, giving him an ultimatum where he would have to choose between me and Joe. He did not say it but I felt like I was being called selfish for even stopping to think about what a huge responsibility another human life under my roof would be. I have brought up assisted living homes for Joe and mentioned how great those places are, he could be with people like him and enjoy life, while having the care he needs. My partner will not entertain the thought of it, but I may try to bring this up again.
In the end I am a born mother, I love children and caring for others and I have no doubt with some work Joe could fit into our household well. I would certainly need to discuss many things about his presence with my partner, but I think I could do it?
I feel like I have worked so hard to be in a good place with my partner, where we can enjoy the kids when they are with us and enjoy eachother when they are with their mom. I want to travel with my partner and get married and maybe have one of our own some day. I feel like Joe being another responsibly of mine will have me burnt out in a couple years and my partner and I will end up resenting our life together because of it.
Do I pack my bags, run, and never look back? Or do I stay and make this work?
The man can't adequately care for himself or his children or earn a living (relies on you for all of those tasks already) and now wants to add his brother to the household? When will he move elderly dad in as well?
This is not a plan. This is a dump of responsibilities onto your shoulders and you have every right to be upset and want to have some say in this decision.
That says all I need to know.
If I'd written that sentence, I'd be out the door.
He didn’t ask you how you felt. Just TOLD you how it was going to be, and had no problem telling you to leave if you don’t like it.
You mentioned how you have a mother’s heart, so to speak. You’re definitely the mother here… to your boyfriend. He is like a mad teenager stomping around the house and demanding what he wants.
Joe’s possibility of living with you just shone a light on all the problems with you and your “man”. You can do better. Find a grown man who isn’t demanding and is respectful of you.
Seek counseling for yourself. Learn to value yourself and then you will attract a man that appreciates you. You deserve so much better than what you have now. You’re young and have your whole life in front of you.
Walk away, no make that, run away and don’t look back. Close the door never to be opened again. Before you know it, this guy will only be a distant memory.
There is nothing selfish about it on your part. I haven't even paused to consider your needs. The needs and circumstances of every other single person involved in this scenario make it out of the question that your partner can be Joe's primary caregiver. If you can stop this, do.
You speak of being a natural mother but the key was, "do I find a new family." That is a really old-school, dangerous train of thought and maybe you should speak to a therapist over it.