My partner has Borderline Personality Disorder, she is currently in treatment for it with a therapist and was making good progress until recently. I often feel like a carer rather than her other half at times.
Most of her issues stem from a Mother who doesn't know how to care for her daughter properly, without putting her through a rollercoaster of emotions, where my other half becomes the punching bag.
I have been really trying within our relationship for a long time now, and we have had periods that have been great, and others that are not so great. What I am really struggling with is her self absorbed behaviour (learned from her Mum) where any conversation is 'me, me, me'.
I have tried to communicate my feelings to her calmly on numerous occasions, only to have it twisted back so "she's the one" who is upset. For example, I am part of a WhatsApp group with her family which her Mother controls (and control is the perfect word). No matter how polite, kind, or involved I am, her Mother will constantly ignore my messages, but then if my other half puts something in the group she replies instantly. I am so tired of this toxic behaviour, that even when I mentioned it to my other half she got upset and didn't want to know.
I had been thinking about getting out of the relationship recently, but unfortunately she is now pregnant with my child. This has put me in such a difficult situation, struggling with her BPD the last couple of years has taken its toll on my own self worth, and self esteem. It is so draining, and now I feel like I am in a no win position for the following reasons;
- I never thought I would be a Dad, and as incredible as this could be I am SERIOUSLY worried about bringing the child up in this toxic dynamic, my other half is becoming a carbon copy of her Mother without realising it and I am worried about the detrimental affect this will have on the child. I know I am by no means perfect, but I think the difference is that I am 'conscious' of my own trauma from childhood, my own issues I need to work through and grow as a person, but my other half is just on automatic without a care in the world for anyone else but herself.
- If we break up, then the child is obviously going to suffer incredibly and I am a very kind empathic person and wouldn't wish this on anyone, but in the back of mind I am thinking do I really want 20 years of conforming to other people's needs whilst sacrificing myself, my own future potential, and my potential to grow as a person around people who uplift, inspire, and bring the best out in me? Currently in 4 years her Mother or Father have never even asked me a single question, it's all about them and what they are doing and this entire situation for me is turning into a bit of a nightmare.
Has anyone experienced anything similar, or does anyone have any advice? I know in life none of us are perfect, I have a lot of flaws myself, but then at the same time I know when I am surrounded by self absorbed people who have no regard for anything else other than their own voice, what they want to say, or what they think. I have spoken to my other half maybe 50 times about us evolving and growing, learning to communicate better, building boundaries with in laws etc etc, and I am not naive enough to think that you can change someone, but she simply doesn't care.
It's incredibly draining, thanks so much in advance for listening.