How do I protect my emotions from my mother's toxic text messages?

I have a mother who suffers from moderately advanced dementia & lives in Memory Care. I am the only child; there's nobody else to listen to the venting, the complaining, the toxicity........all of it. There are days I want to run away and leave no forwarding address, no forwarding phone number, no nothing. Because dementia is horrible. H O R R I B L E. My mother doesn't text me b/c she doesn't know how to, nor does she have a cell phone. In reality, I'd rather read texts than listen to her voice crying on the other end of the phone, or hear her speaking gibberish to me about needing to come over and take care of 'the baby' which, of course, does not exist. I also listen to non stop complaining about the crazy morons she lives with, the food, and everything else she can think of to complain about. Before my father died, she complained about him non-stop too, and about his brain tumor and how it was making him act and how he was disturbing her sleep and and AND.

My mother has never been satisfied with one thing in her life, one day in her life, ever. It's who she is.

But I am her daughter and her only remaining immediate family. Even though I don't want to hear what she has to say *and I especially did not want to hear all the mean things she had to say about my sweet dad*, I realize that she's hurting. She's scared and she sees the end of her life approaching very quickly these days. She too is 'wasting away' mentally and physically too, having taken 65 falls over the past few years.

If I were to cut her off and block her calls, she'd have nobody left in her life but the caregivers at the Memory Care. I couldn't live with myself if I did that. Could you?

If you can live with yourself and feel that your mother is 'manipulating' you by venting her fears and frustrations with your father, then by all means block her from contacting you.

If you think that your mother is overwhelmed and scared to death, not knowing WHAT the heck to do with your father and his increasing dementia, then perhaps a heart-to-heart talk with her in person is in order. Ask her how you can genuinely help her through this mind-numbing situation she's facing. Can you help find a Memory Care AL for dad? Go see what dementia looks and feels like first hand before you decide that your mother's texts are mean and manipulative. Make sure she's not losing HER mind before you make such a determination. Make sure she's not really wasting away and feeling like a prisoner in her own home, trapped with a man who's talking gibberish all day long & making her question her own sanity now.

I don't know what's happening here, do you? I'd find out before I blocked her, though.

Wishing you the best of luck getting to the bottom of what's happening to your parents.

I blocked my mothers phone number. It was such a trigger and so stressful. My mother would text mean things too and I just got so tired of it that I had to block her. The guilt trips and manipulation will never end.

Sorry you're dealing with this issue, Dsoc21. Texting is an easy method for abusers to carry out their antics. They don't have to look their victims in the eye while they abuse. I have one such relative who has done this to me repeatedly. I told him we could no longer communicate via text or email; it would have to be voice only, because the abuse never occurs over the phone. So far, so good. But if he ever abuses me via telephone I will block him pronto.

Tell her if it's that bad she needs to put him in a memory care facility. An alternative, is to text her back with all your problems (even if you have to make up a few). Don't let her control the narrative. Do not respond to what she is talking about. Make it all about you instead of her. She is looking for attention, and you need not give it to her.

The block feature on phones are there for a reason!

Use them! It’s very easy to block someone. If a person is blocked, you won’t even know that they called.

There are no texts, no notification of a missed call, no voicemail, essentially no nothing 😊 and it is wonderful!

Have the text part of your phone disabled. I did that and is peaceful.

If she calls on regular phone let it go to voicemail. Don't even listen to VM.

If she continues this then tell her you won't listen. If more continues, tell her you are getting a new phone number and not giving it to her. Then do so.

What about an assistant to catch the texts and calls? She might be embarrassed to say those things to a stranger.

Give her this website. She is in need of a safe place to vent and get advice for caregiving.

Offer to take dad for a week or two so that she can get a break and a full night's sleep for multiple days. Better yet, tell her to book a spa retreat and you will come stay with dad at their house so she can get a well earned and deserved break.

She matters in this situation too and it sounds like she is burned out and dealing with a very difficult illness all by herself. Encourage her to get in home help weekly so that she can get out and breathe and take care of her own needs. But 1st, give her the above break, it will help her decompress and help you see how hard dealing with dementia 24/7 really is and hopefully, you will have more empathy for her and not just dad.

Block her. She can still leave a voice mail but you won’t wake up to toxic text

Your mom is overwhelmed, not manipulative. She's dealing with someone who has dementia, not a co-dependent spouse. Frankly, I see a call for help, even if she isn't exactly intending that.

As others have said, offer to help her find memory care placement for Dad, or if she, too, isn't able to live on her own, look into finding a place where they can both live.

I don't know the whole history of your relationship with your mother, but the thought of moving or blocking her just to avoid helping is kind of appalling to me. To me, the job of a child of an elderly parent to to ensure they are safe and cared for. It isn't their job to be the one to provide that care, but they are responsible for making sure that care is found. Elderly people have a very hard time making decisions, so having an adult child who can compassionately take charge and help make things better is the best thing to do. If you don't feel up to the job, I hope you'll ask one of your siblings to step up. If there are no siblings, please dig deep into yourself and find the strength to be the adult she needs.

All you can do is offer viable solutions which you most likely have already done.

If she refuses to listen to your suggestions then it’s on her to figure it out.

I would do as others have suggested, you can block her number when you need a break.

Block her. That's the only way you will not know if she even texted. I did this to a friend who sent me a nasty VM. You can't get upset about something if you don't know about it.

I think it may be time for Mom to place Dad. Medicaid allows for splitting of assets. Mom will be given enough to live on, she will not be made impoverished. She becomes the Community spouse. You may want to speak with a lawyer well versed in Medicaid.

Perhaps it's time to either change your phone number or block her number. Have you asked her what her intent is with her messages, and what she expects you to do about them? If it's just to vent, then you will have to set some strong boundaries, so you won't be the one to have to be on the receiving end of her vents. It's time(for your sanity's sake)for you to put your foot down, and not except her manipulation. And if that means moving away, then so be it. You have to do what's best for you. You are not responsible for your parents care. Your mom will have to work all that out on her own. And if she can't, then a call to APS might be in order to at least protect your dad. I wish you the best.

Your mom sounds like she is overwhelmed, or she herself is having cognitive issues preventing her from being able to rationally solve problems. You can have a standard reply to her, which is: "Sounds like you are overwhelmed. It is time for dad to receive memory care in a nursing home. Would you like us to help you find one?" If she says no, then you can tell her there aren't any other solutions and to call you back when she's ready to accept the only help that is possible.

My very needy, immature and dysfunctional MIL was married to a jerk but would just not leave him even though he was taking her into financial ruin. Over the course of 30 long years when she would complain to us (often) we would offer very rational and reasonable solutions for her life. She never acted on any of them, telling us she "should have to do that". When I finally told her to stop calling me with complaints about problems for which there were solutions that she rejected, she stopped calling us at home but then started calling my husband at our office to cry to him during business hours. I finally also had to tell her the same thing and to stop calling us at work. She finally did. Then, when both she and her husband started the landslide down financial impoverishment and aging decline and the poo was hitting the fan for real, she then mournfully said to me, "This isn't the way I ever imagined retirement to be!" and I told her, "No, it's the retirement you planned for." She never complained to us again. I wish you much success in erecting healthy boundaries and peace in your heart no matter where the journey takes your family.

Guilt belongs to felons who do evil and take joy in it. You more than likely are feeling the other G word which is grief. Your Mother is stuck in narcissistic behavior and manipulating others, and that's worth grieving over. You do understand this and you are ignoring her manipulative moves. But don't expect them to stop. This is who she IS. You will have to become more comfortable with simply accepting that and moving on with life. It won't get better on her part. You already have the understanding and the tools in your toolbox. If you need a bit of help from a trained therapist in handling things, in combing out what works best for you, then I doubt you will be stuck in their chair for more than a few sessions. I wish you luck. Remember, she isn't going to change. That is very sad and worth grieving because it robs you of a supportive and loving relationship.