I am having difficulty with my mother (90) wanting to take over my life. Advice?

My mom has lived with me for 3 years and does/did the same thing. I would take her with me more often, but she is very negative and self centered and my kids and grandkids don't enjoy her company. She does the same if I have company at home. She has attitude if my daughter and I do crossword puzzles together. (even though we try to include her). She has attitude if my grandkids are playing board games because we are "too loud" and she will crank up her TV. She pouted one day because I went to lunch with my nephew. It took him one on one undivided attention time with her to snap her out of her attitude. In the midst of conversations with visitors, She has raised her hand to say "Can I talk now?" or "Is it my turn to talk?". Now my kids and grandkids rarely visit because of her negativity. My siblings come to see her for a few hours every few months. I take her to lunch and shopping when we are alone together because she seems better when we are one on one....she just doesn't like to share me! If she stays home and I am leaving; she will make negative comments: "Well, I didn't know you were going to go any where today"; "Well, it's my long-lost daughter"; "I wish I could go with you"; "Am I invited?"; "Where have you been?"; " you were on a long walk today"; I finally told her that I had a life and she should be happy for me. I asked her to say " Have fun" instead of saying negative comments. It has helped some... I still have some guilt, but not as much as I used to. I now recognize the manipulation. I should have set better boundaries when she first moved in.

Your mother may be just old and stubborn and selfish or dementia or both. YOU are entitled to live your life to the fullest and she has lived her life. You are completely right in setting boundaries and telling her the way it is. She wants to be in control and sees you as her "caretaker or slave". Do NOT allow this no matter how she rants and raves. You made a mistake taking her into your home so now you have to lay the law down and set hard and fast boundaries. She must know there will be consequences if she doesn't stop. Get a caretaker if that is your wish or if it doesn't stop and you are losing it more every day, you have no choice but to place her so you are free of this harassment. Sometimes we have no choice and have to do what was not planned.

Sounds like you have planned out what you can do and what she needs. If it ends up in a way she doesn't want then I don't see that being down to you - provided she remains able to care for herself or someone does come in whilst you go out if it becomes necessary. Well done you for planning and making sure you are looked after as well as her. We make our beds and have to lie in them, whilst you do what you can, she has a choice of accepting that or not.

Why do you tell your mother where you are going? She doesn't need to know.

When I was caring for my mom in my home, and needed to go and work out, I just told her that I was going to my Physical Therapy appointment. She could not argue about that.

When you go out, tell her you're at the grocery store. By the time you get back, she'll hopefully be asleep.

You can "speak" to her as much as you want, but she won't change. You can't control her, nor can you change her. And all the hints about moving her elsewhere will not sink in because......she's still there and you are still catering to her. So, nothing has changed. Her only interactions with another human being is you, and you takes care of all her needs. There is no incentive to change.

As many have suggested, an adult day care or some other senior activity 2x week is necessary for her to be engaged in outside social activities. Right now her entire world is your home and you. That's it. And you are right - the passive aggressive guilt trips - because when you were a kid, it probably worked. And in her mind you are, and always will be, her 'child'. Doesn't matter if you are 63 or 83 - she 'sees' you as an adult, but it doesn't register because to her you are still her 'child'. So her guilt tripping will continue - no matter how many talks you have. She is also from a different generation so different views of how things 'should' be.

Your way of parenting is not her way of parenting. That won't change either.

Have you looked into her going on Medicaid to possibly be able to be placed somewhere else than your home? Because know that things will not be getting better with her, (and will probably be magnified as the years go by) the situation will not be getting better because in this equation you are the only one who wants things different. Please be proactive to protect and guard the life you now are entitled to live and do not fall into the trap of becoming a submissive servant to your mother. She made life choices that put her in the situation she is in. She needs to play by your rules (your house, remember - just like teenagers) or not live there. Your health and mental wellbeing is priority now.

Aubonpain: You must set boundaries since she is living in your house.

Hearing you! My dad (91) is now stating he worries when I go out after dark. Doesn't matter if it is church activities, shopping, time with friends and family, meetings, events. I've been a night shift worker for years, and a night owl forever, going out in high school years . I'm feeling resentful. I can't stand being in the house 24/7. I provide nearby company. It's like he's obsessed with my presence. Even during the day. It seems beyond polite concern. I almost have him avoid news....so he doesn't hear about crimes against women out at night. Is medication in order? For him or me? I have had adult children hang out with him, "because they have business that can only be done at my house". It still doesn't calm him. I'm an only child. Aubonpain, are you an only child, also?

I have back up POA for finance and health, and there are plenty of family members on the radar. So is it just anxiety?

My 80 year old aunt got yelled at for not letting 102 year old grandmother, that she was travelling. It's really a challenge for us, with families blessed with longevity.

Hire a respite caregiver. Find a nice pampering place for a weekend for yourself, or for a nice evening event for yourself.

You need to be firm with her and inform her that you have your own life and she needs to respects that. She is living in your house and needs to live by your rules.
If neither of these options are acceptable to her then she will have one month to find new living accommodations. Then, stand by your decision.

Please read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. They have great advice on dealing with problem behaviors. You could also "hire" a companion for the times you are out and make her pay for it.

You are being very generous and caring to take care of your mother in your home. It's sad, but when people age, they become less able to do for themselves, or even to understand what they need to do, including asking for help. She may feel some anxiety when she's left alone now. Make plans for when your mother requires even more care. You will have to have a conversation with her about this. There may come a point when you'll need aides to assist if you can't do it all yourself. Everyone should make plans for when they might be incapacitated, although we all hope that it won't happen to us. Make sure your mother's paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and fianancial matters, she needs a living will (advance medical directives) in case she becomes unable to speak for herself, most financial institutions have their own POA forms (banks, credit card companies, etc.). I'm assuming you will be her POA (if you are not already). You also need to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with her sitting beside you to agree to it. Get connected with a local social worker or senior care advisor to help you navigate what benefits your mother is entitled to. You also may be entitled to benefits as her caregiver. Be sure to set boundaries and take care of yourself, too! You need breaks and you need to feel that you are living a fulfilling life. Try not to take your mother's comments personally. She may be getting to a stage in her life where she is losing her former capabilities.

My mother (96) lived next door to us for about 18 years. She went from having a social life to refusing to go anywhere, demanding to do everything with us (including crashing any social events we hosted - even for our young kids). The local senior centre caters to “old people” and she wants nothing to do with them. Nothing. Hired a wonderful, chatty PSW but my mother refused to interact with her, other than to order her to fetch me, if she’d even let her in the door. Eventually she told me to leave my family and move into her house because she expected 24/7 attention. When I refused, the suicide threats started. Which turned into attempts. Long story not much shorter... ambulance, evaluation, diagnosed with advanced dementia, so I am blowing through her savings quickly paying for respite care. And she has no recollection of ever having seen where we live, let alone living here herself.

I’ve been accused of it all - having held her hostage (doesn’t recall her own refusal to leave her house), poisoning her (how else do you explain her advanced age when the past 20 years are forgotten) and the list goes on. Criticized, insulted... the works.

We’d kept her physically active and in great health, but, eventually she refused to walk anywhere unnecessary just to show us. The rapid loss of muscle mass is awful. Such behaviour out of spite.

Meanwhile I lost so much time with my growing children. Fortunately, as teens they now understand. My husband has incredible patience and helped me stay sane.

Save yourself. You cannot make her happy. Arrange what you can to keep her safe.

Apply for Medicaid. Theyll pay for it a skilled nursing facility.

It sounds like to me that you need to arrange for someone to watch over her, and she seems rather toxic to your wellbeing. I would try to keep your distance from her while she is being watched over. I think that maybe you should put her into other full time care since she sounds rather narcissistic.

I'm 64. My mom is 87. She makes noises all day long, like she's hurt or in pain. I ask her if she's ok or if she needs anything and she always tells me it's just the same old same old. Lol

I totally agree with you not to disable her. The more she can do for herself the better. Even if it takes her longer to do it. When u worked, she probably excepted being home alone. But now you are retired, in her mind she probably thought you would have more time for her. My MIL was like that. She would get into her head how she expected things should go and when it didn't go that way she expressed disappointment.

Your Mom is 90. Not too many live that long. Seems to me you have set boundries all along. Maybe u could find someone who will sit with her when ur gone. It would come out of her money. Too bad she doesn't have the money for an AL. Check with ur State Medicaid and see if they pay for ALs. Some do.

Her behavior sounds manipulative to me. Perhaps she is jealous or lonely but it also sounds selfish. Try not to let it bother you and go do what you want to do. She has her essential needs taken care of and as you pointed out, she can call others for company or entertain herself if she chooses. A lot of us struggle with giving up the dream that we will have the kind of parents we want, even when we are 60 years old. Don't threaten to change her living situation if you dont mean it. It will lose its impact and power. Its all easier said than done and I am trying to take my own advice as I write it. But, take care of yourself and meet your needs. Perhaps a pet for her to focus on? A cat that will curl up in her lap and is devoted to her and craves her attention and will give some company?

My mother has for years and years demonstrated "FOMO," or "fear of missing out." For example, if we were having guests in, she'd call--always!--during dinner to chat about how it's going. Now, at age 93, she's living in a retirement facility, unable to drive or go out much. We call her every day and see her as often as we can. We are making an effort to plan activities that she can look forward to. However, she expresses envy of anything I'm still able to do, or of adventures I'm able to afford. It could easily spoil anything fun that we do, but we really try not to let it. I've learned to spend a few minutes on the phone agreeing with her that we all have to grieve parts of our lives that are behind us, that it's okay to feel sad that life has changed, and then I change the subject. She is easily led to new topics.

You should tell her exactly what you expect.

The two of you need a heart to heart and sitting down ground rules.

Plus Seniors do go back to acting child like so you as the Adult shouldn't take it so bad and learn to ignore it.

Her medicare Ins would cover her being in a Nursing Home but believe me when I tell you, I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy.

Your mom may forget to ask for someone to stay with her while you go out.

Maybe you could remind her that you are going our and how long you'll be gone and see if she wants a Sitter to keep her company.

Have a few Sitters lined up. Just regular sitters for a child will do as it's just to keep her company.

Advertise, ask members of your Church or Neighbors to find a few to call upon.

They could watch tv and have pizza delivered, play games, do art work, have her nails painted, work on a lg pc puzzle, lg print paint by number set, coloring, ect.

It would be like a little night our for her as well.

Your mother is bored and lonely and overly reliant on you for company and entertainment. As some are suggesting, it would be nice if you could include your mother in some social activities or outings, but you do not need to keep her entertained 24/7. If she complains too much about having nothing to do and being left by herself, remind her that their would be company and entertainment available at an AL facility.

I know I am going to get slammed , but just moving your mom in with you will not fulfill all her needs for stimulation. Is it possible you take her out once a week for some "fun" time ? My friend who is ,,, Whiney,,, recently brought her mom along to a visit with me,,, I thought it would be a nice break for my friend,,, but we all ended up enjoying it. I have a close group of friends, andthey all welcomed my mom once in awhile.Its a good memory I have

I’d suggest that you ask Mother if what she wants is for everything to be done for her, and for her to have around the clock company. If she says yes, tell her that means going into care with 24/7 employed carers, and it may mean a NH on Medicaid. Does she want you to start the wheels in motion for that?

Make it clear that she can only keep where she is if she does what she can for herself and lets you have your own life. You can repeat this as often as you need until it sinks in.

Does your mother have a social life of her own? Does she attend an Adult Day Care or Senior Center to socialize? Did she once attend concerts and may want to join you occasionally or is she criticizing something you enjoy that she did not? Did she stay at home in her box?

I think some people just want "their" people to stay at home and be waiting for them whenever they return. My father often displayed this attitude with my mother. He didn't want Mom to help my grandmother when she grew old and needed some help with her heavy housework. He also didn't like it when she attended church circles and other ladies clubs, even when she attended during the day while he was at work! It made no sense and my mother told him so and went her own way for the most part. I admired her ability to continue doing the things that matter to her with or without anyone else's approval.

I would encourage your mother to attend an ADC or a Senior Center program to expand her horizons. By age 85, most people find themselves in the 1% of survivors; 99% of the peer group has died. We need to find new "friends" or interests (like the great-grandkids). In her later years, my mother enjoyed talking on the phone with her cousins, many of whom had diminished contact during their "active" years and had more time to just talk and visit after age 70 or so.

You said it all in your last sentence, "This will not end the way she wants it to if she doesn't stop with the guilt trips." Have you let HER know this? If not, do so right away. It's a privilege to live in your home and if she 'can't' stop her rude comments, scowling, sighing & frowning' when you go about living your own life, then she will have to make other arrangements elsewhere to live, outside of your home. That choice is up to HER.

You may want to get her into her PCP for a check up to make sure she hasn't developed dementia. If she has, then everything changes with the behaviors.

The best thing about Assisted Living for my mother was the socialization, and the fact that she had autonomy and her own life, separate from mine. Friends, activities, meals, outings on the mini bus, shopping trips, gossip-fests galore, etc. People who attach stigma's to ALFs really don't understand they're like nice hotels for the elderly! Nowadays she's in Memory Care AL which is a whole different ball of wax, but she still thrives on socialization and activities.

Wishing you the best of luck getting the message across to your mother; that you don't have to put up with her guilt trips anymore if she chooses to continue living in your home!

Have you tried getting her involved with an Adult Day Care or the local Senior Center. Sounds like some activity and socialization of her own would do her good.
If she resists this then that is on her.
Continue to do the things you want to do.
Please do make time for her. A Mom Day every week if you want or every other week just to make her feel special.

To me, it seems like pure jealousy. That you have a life, have friends, have somewhere to go and something to do. She’s also maybe resentful that you don’t want to spend all your extra time with her.

Trying to change her mind is like trying to make a teenager unselfish. They are the center of the universe - everything revolves around them, and it’s like their brains are small - there’s only room enough for their own concerns and their own problems. Trying to make someone who is not empathetic, empathetic will be nearly impossible.

Personally, I’d go on the offensive. If you know you’re going to be out, don’t ask, set her up with a visitor, someone to entertain her while you’re off having a life. Having a PSW on a routine basis may be good as well. We have one who’s main role is companionship. Having another person around to chat with, play cards, or look through photo albums with can make a world of difference.