Mom is very, very detail oriented and there is a perfect, precise process for everything. So, I am self-conscious if I have to return to the store because I forgot an item ("I always had a list I carried with me" she'll say) or if I try a shrub in the yard and the deer get it ("Oh yes, you can plant those" she'll let me know). I feel like I have lost my freedom to live an imperfect life. She is also super-thrifty and anytime I make a purchase for something for my home, she wants to know how much I have spent. I am pretty thrifty too, but she has no sense of today's prices for many things, and I know she is inwardly evaluating my every move (I hear her do this outwardly with others). So, sometimes, I don't answer these questions. I went out today, literally just to get and drive around out on my day off--yes, I know this is wasteful but my pandemic and caregiving fatigue is real (I am not yet fully vaccinated). When I came home she asked where I went. I was doing things in her suite and just absently and cheerfully answered, "out". She said, "okay Aunt Mary" (my aunt she dislikes who is socially adept at dodging things). This is the second time this week she has called me Aunt Mary. The other time was when she asked me how much I spent on my patio furniture and I honestly answered that I didn't remember. Today again, I was surprised, hurt and reminded of the lack of boundaries. I know we need a conversation. Advice, anyone?
She clearly has a very poor self-image if she has to build herself up by criticizing you.
The boundaries are for YOU to set; you can only control YOUR hehavior, not hers.
I CAN walk away. She can't.
At 91, she is not going to get 'better', so if she's making racist remarks, I simply say "Mom, that's completely innapropriate." Even if only 20% of what I say goes into her brain, I'll take that.
When she really gets going, I leave.