How do you continue being a good caregiver without losing yourself?

I think that as caregivers we have to be realistic about the situation. To be all things and superhuman really isn't realistic. That's why people have burnout. It's not really healthy for the caregiver to overextend themselves. I'd listen to my mind and body. There are always options. I'd explore getting help or alternate care for your mother. And, it might be good to see a counselor or consult with a doctor. Depression can be very devastating. There are always options and you can be happy again. I'd try to keep that in mind.

Hi Liss,
You know how the flight attendants on the plane say to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you help anyone else? Well, that’s for a reason. You can’t help others if YOU are gasping for breath.

The same in your situation. You will crash and burn if you keep up this pace. You MUST get relief in order to get better (less depression-feel better), for your own good AND the good of your mom. You see and acknowledge the problem.

Now, how to do that?

Can you have help come in on a regular basis (3 days a week for 3-4 hours while you are at home)? If paying for it is the problem, can she qualify for assistance through VA or Medicaid?
Can she go to a “daycare” for seniors? I’ve heard some have them overnight also.
Can you put her in a board and care for one week out of the month to give you a rest?
Would she be able to be placed in an assisted living facility?
Has she qualified for Medicaid (or Medi-Cal)?
Do you have a therapist you can talk to? (We’re always here too!)

Gosh, I’m so sorry that you are so overburdened and not able to enjoy your young adult years. You MUST change your current situation so it doesn’t do you in.

I know you love your mother but there is no glory for a dead hero. Your mental health depends on it.

Dear Liss79, thank you very much for sharing your post. I am so thankful I found this blog.  I used to think I was the only one going through this situation. 

After my dad passed in 1998, my mom came to live with me (I am an only child), my husband and 2 small boys.  She is now 98 years old, still living at home with me and my husband.  I do have a caregiver who comes 5 days a week while we're at work (we both have full-time jobs), but once I get home, I'm the caregiver; weekends, I'm the caregiver, so it doesn't leave a whole lot of time for "me" time or to go out and have a dinner date with my hubby. I know he feels neglected.  He's made a comment that we haven't had any privacy in 20 years and, other than when our son got married (4 blissful days at a destination wedding), we haven't gone anywhere.   I feel all my energy goes to taking care of my mom. I feel being pulled in different directions.  I just can't give 100% to both. I have a wonderful husband, but I know its taken a toll on our marriage. He gets the brunt of it all.  

My mom has days when she is like a 3 year old child, but unlike a small child who eventually will understand not to do certain things, my mom will not learn.  Has anyone had experience with a parent who thinks they have to go to bathroom all the time, and that they have to go poop every time they go to the bathroom?  No matter how many times we tell her that it isn't normal, and that she should not push or force it (bad for the heart), she still doesn't listen or care.

She doesn't have Alzheimer's, her mind is very sharp - she is set in her ways.  There are days when  and I think "today is the day I will have to find a nursing home for her", then guilt sets in. How can I think of putting my mom in a home?  I know, I should think of her well-being and 24/7 care, but no one in our family has ever placed a parent in a nursing home, although I'm sure we all have thought about it, at one time or another.  So the guilt kicks in.  I feel angry, resentment, frustrated, stressed and exhausted all the time, and I know this affects my marriage. Seriously, the second I pull into my driveway, all these feelings kick in. 

Finding this blog has been a blessing. I can vent, complain, cry and be angry. Say things that I would not normally say out loud and I know I won't be judged.  Thank you all.

Hi Liss79,

Welcome to the forum.

You gave an accurate description of how a caregiver feels but one thing that jumped off the page for me was your own recognition of how young you are to be dealing with all of this, and you are carrying a heavy load, grief, depression, caring for your mom, full time job! Oh and of course being exhausted! Grief and depression are a lot just by itself. Anxiety usually goes along with caregiving too.

You have a lot to deal with for being such a young woman. You’ve done it for a long time!

You know that you need help. Start by calling anyone and everyone that you can, ask for their guidance and if they can help in any way. Talk to your mom’s doctor or even your doctor and ask him/her to refer you to a social worker that deals with the elderly. The social worker will give you a list of contact numbers for the disabled and elderly. Call everyone, Council on Aging, senior centers, assisted living and nursing homes that you are interested in for the future in case you need it, companion/sitter agency, etc.

I hope you find relief soon. You need rest. You deserve some fun in your life too! Many, many hugs!!! Please keep us posted.

In short, NuttyBuddy, you MUST make time for yourself or caregiving will consume you. You will loose your identity, your friends, family, sometimes your (outside) job, your health, your joy, your desires and your faith.

There has to be balance in life. Being on call 24/7 is out of balance. Even the Bible says “there is a time for every purpose under Heaven.” When you are dedicating ALL your time to one thing, and ignore the other aspects, you are bound to become infirm/sick (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually) in one way or another. It is imperative to add YOU back into the equation.
You are NOT being selfish, you are self preserving.

The hard part is figuring out how.

P.S. Liss, sounds like you’re on the right track. 👍🏼

Go get some help for your Mom! An adult day care, a home health company, something, anything to help you grieve and look after your Mom. You can't do this by yourself and asking for help is not stupid, selfish or weak in any way, shape, form or fashion. Now get out there and find some help.

Liss,

Been thinking of you. Pulling for you. You have so much on your plate! Please take care of yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, compassionate person but you deserve caring for also.

I wish I could be your fairy godmother and wave a wand for you to have a spa day, a long cruise or whatever your heart desires. You deserve to be pampered after all the hard work that you have done.

I have two daughters that I love dearly and very proud of. I’d be very proud to have a daughter like you! You have such a lovely personality.

Promise me that you will start to look after yourself. I know you love your mom, completely understandable but love yourself too.

Most of us in this situation are much older than you are. Your youth and energy probably got you into a situation where you thought you could do it all and for a very long time. You can't. I was told this when I started caring for my mom and ignored that advice for a few years. Then it became obvious. I'm so sorry you are falling into depression. Others gave you excellent advice. Haven't your mom's doctors given you any direction on how to get more and proper care for your mom? There is what is called respite care, where she could go to an assisted living for a week or so while you sort things out or simply take a break. With a clear mind, information on available help, and time to yourself you will be able to see clearly what to do.

Wait. Did I post this, only at an age a little (or lot) older than you are? I'll leave the details out, but take care of yourself. You're no good to others if you're not ok yourself. I so get the 'no win' situation as I was in the trenches of that. But looking back at my situation, there was a different way. Just didn't see it at the time, at all. And lost so much before I got that figured out. You don't have to live overwhelmed, depressed, angry and tired. Easy to say, but I get it. And there is a different way. This too shall pass has always been kinda a motto for me also. And tomorrow is a new day. But when the new day is the same as the last day? It may be time to make some changes. Again, took me years to figure that out. Good luck to you.

There are so many wonderful suggestions here that I hope you can use. I, too, was the "kid" who had everything dumped on my shoulders (I'm the middle of five!) and I've never understood how it works out that way. But here's my two cents for those times when you CAN'T get away or get some help: find some youtube videos of babies laughing, or animals or funny situations (like America's funniest home videos). When I was in the thick of things and alone, sometimes these would save my sanity and break the tension just enough to carry on. Sounds silly but every little bit helps. Best wishes to you!