How do you continue being a good caregiver without losing yourself?

I think that as caregivers we have to be realistic about the situation. To be all things and superhuman really isn't realistic. That's why people have burnout. It's not really healthy for the caregiver to overextend themselves. I'd listen to my mind and body. There are always options. I'd explore getting help or alternate care for your mother. And, it might be good to see a counselor or consult with a doctor. Depression can be very devastating. There are always options and you can be happy again. I'd try to keep that in mind.

Hi Liss,
You know how the flight attendants on the plane say to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you help anyone else? Well, that’s for a reason. You can’t help others if YOU are gasping for breath.

The same in your situation. You will crash and burn if you keep up this pace. You MUST get relief in order to get better (less depression-feel better), for your own good AND the good of your mom. You see and acknowledge the problem.

Now, how to do that?

Can you have help come in on a regular basis (3 days a week for 3-4 hours while you are at home)? If paying for it is the problem, can she qualify for assistance through VA or Medicaid?
Can she go to a “daycare” for seniors? I’ve heard some have them overnight also.
Can you put her in a board and care for one week out of the month to give you a rest?
Would she be able to be placed in an assisted living facility?
Has she qualified for Medicaid (or Medi-Cal)?
Do you have a therapist you can talk to? (We’re always here too!)

Gosh, I’m so sorry that you are so overburdened and not able to enjoy your young adult years. You MUST change your current situation so it doesn’t do you in.

I know you love your mother but there is no glory for a dead hero. Your mental health depends on it.

I am sorry for the loss of your uncle. Not being able to grieve because you are on call 24/7 makes the loss so much harder.

You have given the years of your life that are usually applied to careers, marriage and child rearing, so I can't imagine how tired and burned out you must feel. I pray that the counseling helps you feel hopeful again.

Is your mom open to outside help?

Do you have any family or friends that can give you a vacation to go mourn your uncle and to rebalance? Please try to find a way to get some time for you, we all need a chance to grieve and find our footing after a big loss.

Hugs, you are a blessing to your mom and you were a blessing to your uncle.

Hi Liss79,

Welcome to the forum.

You gave an accurate description of how a caregiver feels but one thing that jumped off the page for me was your own recognition of how young you are to be dealing with all of this, and you are carrying a heavy load, grief, depression, caring for your mom, full time job! Oh and of course being exhausted! Grief and depression are a lot just by itself. Anxiety usually goes along with caregiving too.

You have a lot to deal with for being such a young woman. You’ve done it for a long time!

You know that you need help. Start by calling anyone and everyone that you can, ask for their guidance and if they can help in any way. Talk to your mom’s doctor or even your doctor and ask him/her to refer you to a social worker that deals with the elderly. The social worker will give you a list of contact numbers for the disabled and elderly. Call everyone, Council on Aging, senior centers, assisted living and nursing homes that you are interested in for the future in case you need it, companion/sitter agency, etc.

I hope you find relief soon. You need rest. You deserve some fun in your life too! Many, many hugs!!! Please keep us posted.

Liss,

You’re very welcome. We care. Please keep us updated and continue to reach out. If we can help we will or do our best to point you in the right direction.

I would like an answer for myself to her question as I am in the same situation as she is also.

In short, NuttyBuddy, you MUST make time for yourself or caregiving will consume you. You will loose your identity, your friends, family, sometimes your (outside) job, your health, your joy, your desires and your faith.

There has to be balance in life. Being on call 24/7 is out of balance. Even the Bible says “there is a time for every purpose under Heaven.” When you are dedicating ALL your time to one thing, and ignore the other aspects, you are bound to become infirm/sick (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually) in one way or another. It is imperative to add YOU back into the equation.
You are NOT being selfish, you are self preserving.

The hard part is figuring out how.

P.S. Liss, sounds like you’re on the right track. 👍🏼

Go get some help for your Mom! An adult day care, a home health company, something, anything to help you grieve and look after your Mom. You can't do this by yourself and asking for help is not stupid, selfish or weak in any way, shape, form or fashion. Now get out there and find some help.

Most of us in this situation are much older than you are. Your youth and energy probably got you into a situation where you thought you could do it all and for a very long time. You can't. I was told this when I started caring for my mom and ignored that advice for a few years. Then it became obvious. I'm so sorry you are falling into depression. Others gave you excellent advice. Haven't your mom's doctors given you any direction on how to get more and proper care for your mom? There is what is called respite care, where she could go to an assisted living for a week or so while you sort things out or simply take a break. With a clear mind, information on available help, and time to yourself you will be able to see clearly what to do.

I am unclear -- does your mother live at your place? Do you live at her place?
What kind of caregiving does she require? What do you do for her?

"I am the youngest of four children, but yet, the care falls totally on my shoulders. My brother, the oldest, does as little as possible to help out. I lost my older sister to breast cancer in 2002 :( And my other sister helps out when she can, but she is only helpful when it is convenient for her. "

You don't have to do it all, you know. You have two siblings. How did it all come to be dumped on you?

Are you getting paid for caregiving? (You should be!)

Liss,

Been thinking of you. Pulling for you. You have so much on your plate! Please take care of yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, compassionate person but you deserve caring for also.

I wish I could be your fairy godmother and wave a wand for you to have a spa day, a long cruise or whatever your heart desires. You deserve to be pampered after all the hard work that you have done.

I have two daughters that I love dearly and very proud of. I’d be very proud to have a daughter like you! You have such a lovely personality.

Promise me that you will start to look after yourself. I know you love your mom, completely understandable but love yourself too.

I am so sorry. This is a good example of caregiver burn out. It is the most common issue in informal caregivers such as yourself experience. But I do thank you for caring for your family members.

You need to have breaks. Have you thought about hiring a home health aid to come and assist? Check with her insurance, doctor and Medicare to see if it can be covered. There is also adult day care and places that do respite care if you need few days. Either way, get yourself to have frequent breaks.

Liss, I certainly will keep tabs and have a beautiful getaway! You’ve earned it! You certainly deserve it!

You take wonderful care of your mom. I am glad that your sister is staying with your mom for you to get away.

Wait. Did I post this, only at an age a little (or lot) older than you are? I'll leave the details out, but take care of yourself. You're no good to others if you're not ok yourself. I so get the 'no win' situation as I was in the trenches of that. But looking back at my situation, there was a different way. Just didn't see it at the time, at all. And lost so much before I got that figured out. You don't have to live overwhelmed, depressed, angry and tired. Easy to say, but I get it. And there is a different way. This too shall pass has always been kinda a motto for me also. And tomorrow is a new day. But when the new day is the same as the last day? It may be time to make some changes. Again, took me years to figure that out. Good luck to you.

Hello and welcome,

First take credit for realizing you are needing a break/assistance and that you have unresolved grief for the recent death of your uncle. You are a wise woman.

It’s easy to care for others yet paradoxically difficult for those who find caregiving so rewarding to care for oneself. Then there is sometimes guilt when we do take time off, no matter how irrational.

Glad to hear your mother recognizes your need so you will not have resistance and fear on her part, as is sometimes the case.

My one suggestion is to set up recurring dates, scheduling them ahead of time, because then you will have the anticipation to help you sail onward. Mix it up with partial day outings and an occasional multi day recharge.

Be creative, do not be afraid to network with people via work and social circles, and local internet caregiver groups. Sometimes help is nearby but hidden.

Your mother and family are fortunate to have a young woman wise before her years who is so dedicated. I wish you the very best.

Kate

Can you get some help to take care of your mom, even for a few hours here or there? Some Aging services programs, sometimes state-run, in some cities, have volunteers who could sit with your mom to give you an hour or so to run errands, meet  friends for coffee, etc.

Often people don't realize there are some resources available, especially when you are too busy doing all this to have time to look! And tired from doing it all. I hope your employer has compassion and allows for time off to do caregiving so you can use some time to even make the calls. Start with your local city hall, check with the area agency on aging. They may have support programs where you may not pay or pay as much. Anything will give you a break, even if someone does some housekeeping to carve some more time back in for you...even if what you want to do with that time is sleep. How is your mom managing when you are at work?

Lisa, you’ve received a lot of good answers and it sounds like you are on the path to bringing more balance. The only thing I would add is to schedule down time regularly. I would tell Sister and even selfish brother to each pick a day and/or eeekend each month to be available because you need a minimum of 2-3 days a month to unplug. While you are gone turn your ringer on your phone off. Totally unplug.!

God bless you. I would’ve been too selfish at your age to do what you’ve already done. You need to take a break, that’s kind of obvious.

Most states have a program where they will pay for caregiving services to a family member. You can use that little money, because it isn’t a lot, to hire somebody to give you a break for a while.

You might consider hospice depending on your mother’s situation. Get Approved from her primary care physician to Have a home healthcare person come visit and do an assessment.

get a friend another family member and to care for your mother for a few days.

If that’s not possible there are caregiving facilities that take clients in for a few days to give you a break. It’s called Respite care.

You’re going to get a lot of good advice from us. That’s my two cents. Lots of love and hugs to you please get into a support group as well. We are here, but you need some face-to-face and some hugs and a good cry on someone’s shoulder too. Hang in there. God’s already reserved a “special angel” room for you in heaven.🥰

You Already took the 1st step by reaching out to this group. Read the articles as they are always helpful and I save them and re read them and even share them with my dad at times like the one about skin issues. Reach out to your friends who are in the same situation or make friends on this group. We all feel alone at times because Seldom do we get the support we need from others nor the appreciation nor do the others see the abuse that we endure or the loneliness. I tried to think how will I feel 5 to 10 years from now when I look back, And I know I will never regret that I was here for my father who was always hear from me. Even if my situation is terrible, I'm also atoning for so much grief I caused my family along the way like most teenagers or children who neglect their family or do misdeeds and regret them later. Do nice little things for yourself, And learn to enjoy even the smallest things like a butterfly or a birds singing outside your door or watching a movie. Keep a journal if that helps you. You are doing a magnificent thing as a care giver even if only you and we know that.

That is stress to the max. You are doing a good thing, but you do need some relief. Do you have friends to talk to? Can you get away for an hour to go eat with them? Do you go to church? You need friends to call or to be with, or to come over to your house. Your mom will get worse, so do your ground work now. I didn't, and I regret it.

There are so many wonderful suggestions here that I hope you can use. I, too, was the "kid" who had everything dumped on my shoulders (I'm the middle of five!) and I've never understood how it works out that way. But here's my two cents for those times when you CAN'T get away or get some help: find some youtube videos of babies laughing, or animals or funny situations (like America's funniest home videos). When I was in the thick of things and alone, sometimes these would save my sanity and break the tension just enough to carry on. Sounds silly but every little bit helps. Best wishes to you!

Hi
Thank you for your honest caring message. I’m in the same situation. I feel every bit the same as you do.
Unless your a carer full time worker,
think it’s a very difficult job. I too have no answers but keep going.
Hopfully today will be a good day.

You've come to the right place. Is there some way that you can get respite through the Visiting Nurse Association? Or your town's social worker?

As I read further down - This is GOOD that you are getting a getaway! Good for you!

I am proud of you for getting something scheduled for your own respite and that you are also looking into getting additional help on a regular basis. Please also plan something two months out again for yourself so that you can work on finding care for that weekend as well. So that you have another thing to look forward to. And do this every two months. I have found that is so necessary.

One of the things that I watch is Saturday Night Live on Youtube. Just a few minutes of laughter really is the best medicine. So if it is a funny show you like then watch a few video clips on Youtube if you don't have enough time for the whole show. Just watch the funny parts. You deserve it :).

You are a warrior and this will pass and you will be strong and capable and so impressed by all you did on behalf of your mom. Bravo to you...

PS I am so sorry about your uncle.

Dear Liss79, thank you very much for sharing your post. I am so thankful I found this blog.  I used to think I was the only one going through this situation. 

After my dad passed in 1998, my mom came to live with me (I am an only child), my husband and 2 small boys.  She is now 98 years old, still living at home with me and my husband.  I do have a caregiver who comes 5 days a week while we're at work (we both have full-time jobs), but once I get home, I'm the caregiver; weekends, I'm the caregiver, so it doesn't leave a whole lot of time for "me" time or to go out and have a dinner date with my hubby. I know he feels neglected.  He's made a comment that we haven't had any privacy in 20 years and, other than when our son got married (4 blissful days at a destination wedding), we haven't gone anywhere.   I feel all my energy goes to taking care of my mom. I feel being pulled in different directions.  I just can't give 100% to both. I have a wonderful husband, but I know its taken a toll on our marriage. He gets the brunt of it all.  

My mom has days when she is like a 3 year old child, but unlike a small child who eventually will understand not to do certain things, my mom will not learn.  Has anyone had experience with a parent who thinks they have to go to bathroom all the time, and that they have to go poop every time they go to the bathroom?  No matter how many times we tell her that it isn't normal, and that she should not push or force it (bad for the heart), she still doesn't listen or care.

She doesn't have Alzheimer's, her mind is very sharp - she is set in her ways.  There are days when  and I think "today is the day I will have to find a nursing home for her", then guilt sets in. How can I think of putting my mom in a home?  I know, I should think of her well-being and 24/7 care, but no one in our family has ever placed a parent in a nursing home, although I'm sure we all have thought about it, at one time or another.  So the guilt kicks in.  I feel angry, resentment, frustrated, stressed and exhausted all the time, and I know this affects my marriage. Seriously, the second I pull into my driveway, all these feelings kick in. 

Finding this blog has been a blessing. I can vent, complain, cry and be angry. Say things that I would not normally say out loud and I know I won't be judged.  Thank you all.

This is exactly what I am going thru. Plus everything makes me feel guilty. I just so tired and I don't want to do this anymore. I had to change my first soiled adult diaper today. And was horrible, it was everywhere. It took every ounce of energy I had left not to vomit. I just wanted to cry and I don't want to do it again. Unfortunately he can't change or clean himself so I guess once again I don't have any choice.

You just do and understand every moment is a treasure just embrace it!

Hope you are doing well and finding your way.

that's a tough gig. I, too, am feeling so depleted at times. I'm a working caregiver, and my sweet little lady is spiraling down the dementia hole. when I get home after a 10 - 12 hour day, I just can't shake the day off. It stays in my head, even through the days off. It's all so consuming.
About a month ago, I really dedicated a search for some relief through natural supplements to deal with stress and depression. CBD oil has been helpful, as well as Ashwaghanda, 5-HTP, Lithium Orotate, and GABA. Lots of info on these and others (I go to YouTube). I realize this does not address your whole scenario, but something to take the edge off is a good place to start. I can handle daily life feeling more calm and with a bit more clarity than I did prior. Best to you!