I am new to this group but our family wants answers. My 78yo father is displaying interesting behavior. He is diabetic, has AFIB and has cognitive heart failure. He had a bought with severe double pneumonia a couple years ago. After a lengthy hospital stay he has been weak and just not himself. He basically sits all day in his chair and urinates in his depends. He says he cannot feel that he needs to go. He is able to walk with a walker, and has been told by doctors, nurses and family that he needs to strengthen his body. The best way to cure both issues is to get up every hour and walk to the bathroom and try to go as the doctor stated. He has not done this once. Even after coming out of the doctors office when they told him this, he said he would not do it. He has not showered or bathed in any way in about a year. We have tried to alleviate any issues he had stated that kept him from doing so, but he still does not shower. He is supposed to take a water pill every day in order to relieve the buildup of water in his legs. He also is supposed to elevate his legs to aid in relieving said swelling. He tends to not take the water pill and does not elevate his legs at all. His feet have swollen so much that they do not fit in shoes anymore. He wears slides that barely stay on. His legs are severely swollen and has edema. My mom treats these sores on his legs every day as the nurse showed her how, but they are not much better than when it started over a year ago. His one leg is now infected. They prescribed a strong antibiotic, but even though he takes it with food he will eventually vomit once he eats again. He went back to the Dr. and he said to not take it and I will evaluate everything again in a month when his next scheduled appt. is. Does not sound right to me. He only changes his depends maybe once a day even though it is urged that he does more often. So he sits in his urine all day basically. He pretty much sleeps all day and has very little physical activity. He does have a sore on his butt because of this behavior. As a family we often go out to dinner and he usually attends. Many times he has a full undergarment that will hang down below his shorts and even sometimes he will even leak onto the floor. When someone tells him, his answer is "So?" When he does go to the bathroom, it is to defecate. Lately he has been having a lot of accidents where he does not get there in time and defecates in his depends. He gets it all over the bathroom and his clothes. But he does not care. He will actually go home and sit in it for hours and watch TV. My poor mother almost begging him to change. He will eventually, usually before he gets in his chair to sleep for the night (he sleeps in a chair because he says he cannot breath in the bed) She does everything for him, giving him his medicine food and cleaning his wounds plus cleaning the house. All he does is mentally abuse her and tell her she does nothing for him. Not to mention all the horrible things he says to her. But she still helps him as much as possible. His PCP seems to be useless. My sister send him a letter telling the doctor what was going on because my dad lies about what is going on so that he manipulates them into not making him do stuff. Like tests and things that ultimately would help him recover. But the doctor seemed surprised, but actually did bring the concerns up with my dad. But of course my dad did not follow any of the recommendations to help himself. The PCP does not think he has dementia, and he seems to have most of his mental faculties, but something has to trigger these behaviors. He gives him a simple 3 word memory test once a year and if he passes that the doctor says he is OK. All of this just seems not normal. But I have never had to deal with this before. I am just trying to get my head around everything going on and help my mom and dad as best as I can. Are there any suggestions? Please help us!
What are you people thinking??? Why hasn't anyone done something? Are you all so much under this man's demented thumb that you're the only one who recognizes something is really really wrong here? Even after the smelly poopy family restaurant meals? I can't even…..
NEXT TIME YOU HEAD OUT FOR CRACKER BARREL, LIKE TODAY, DETOUR TO A HOSPITAL ER AND MAKE SURE THEY ADMIT HIM.
If you keep on keeping on the way dad insists, he'll be dead very soon. No more problem.
I tried that with my mother once . She refused to get out of the car . I parked by the ER door , a nurse came out to help me get her to get out . Didn’t work , I ended up taking Mom back home and calling 911. First time she refused , EMS left , 12 hours later she got worse I called 911 again and they took her .
It has now been eleven months since my husband died and I look back and realize how traumatized I was by the last few years of his life.
Please rescue your mom as soon as you can! She might appear to resist, but if you and your sibs just step in and take over and say, "this is how it is going to be," she will probably be grateful for that first night of uninterrupted sleep in her own home.
I am sorry to hear of your still-recent loss and hope following days will give you more peace.
The word is not "cognitive heart failure" but "congestive heart failure" and it indicates he has a very weakened heart pump. That won't change and isn't curable but can be treated with the diuretics. It is very difficult for an elder to hang onto being able to "make it" to the bathroom with these powerful medications which cause great urgency and frequency of urination.
It is time, in short, for your father to be placed in care where you Mom can visit him, remaining a loving wife for the time he has remaining, rather than a caregiver who may well die of the strain upon him before he does.
It is time to discuss all of this, and to have a full diagnosis of Dad in terms of his mental status. But whether he fully has dementia or not is irrelevant at this moment. For now his care is too taxing for your mother to handle.
And if money is an issue then your parents will have to apply for Medicaid, so your father can be placed.
And on a side note...why would you ever want to include your father who hasn't bathed in over a year, and only changes his urine soaked diaper once a day out to eat with your family and subject the other patrons to what has to be a horrific smell?
Instead you tell your father that if he doesn't bathe or change his diaper he will just have to stay home while the rest of you go have a good time.
It sound like your father perhaps a form of dementia as well and that should be looked into with his doctor.
The best thing you can now do for your mother is to help her get your father placed sooner than later.
Depression can also be a factor in this . Although I’m heavily leaning towards that he has some form of dementia as well .
The answer is to take Dad to a neurologist , and neuropsychiatrist but the wait list is probably long . So I would try a geriatrician to start with . That is who diagnosed my mother’s dementia .
Dad will need placement now in a facility before Mom collapses . Don’t even wait for a diagnosis . This is not going to get any easier to handle at home . He needs a facility to get his wounds taken care of , showers, etc .
People with dementia very often will not listen to family members . He needs a care facility with 24/7 staff . Your Mom is only one person and he does not cooperate with her . It’s too much for her . This will no longer work at home .
I would suggest you all need to sit down and gently put down rules to your dad. If you're unhappy with his doctor, find him a new PCP who treats geriatrics who will evaluate him and may offer suggestions for his care outside the home, if necessary. A PCP can refer you to social services if you request help. Also, consider home health services which the PCP can request. Your mother need not be subjected to the life you described.
As for your dad refusing to see a doctor, have your mom see her PCP who can advise her of how best to deal with her husband's situation and services to help her to that end. The best to you all.
Without a POA and no dementia diagnosis , have to try everything until something sticks.
I’ve also dealt with the hospital addressing the medical issues such as CHF etc but won’t test for dementia , telling us that had to be done as an outpatient and LO being discharged.
Perhaps call the County Agency of Aging or whatever it is called in the county your parents live in . Look under services for the elderly on the county website.
Ask for the help of a social worker . They will send one out to assess the situation and perhaps help force placement of your father . Idk though because your Mom is there to care for him .
Tell them he’s abusive towards your mother and not cooperative with hygiene , incontinence care and has a sore on his butt and legs .
At some point Dad may end up in the hospital . If that happens you say “ unsafe discharge “. That no one can care for him at home . This is another way to try to get him placed . You explain how he won’t take all his meds resulting in the swollen legs , refusing care , resulting in a sore on his butt being wet all day etc . Unfortunately if they believe he’s competent they will let him go home. This happened with my mother in law .
I called the Agency of Aging and got my mother ( who was like your Dad ) removed from her home because she lived alone , and refused any help from me or hired help . She also had been refusing to go to the facility I had lined up . She was living on cookies and never washed. The social worker was great .
However this was almost a decade ago .
Your father has diabetes making it more difficult to heal those wounds and fight infection . He’s also got CHF , and not taking his water pill and has trouble breathing from this . He’s not well .
Recently , we dealt with both my in laws. And the competency bar seems very low now . We ended up tricking my father in law into a facility . My mother in law ultimately ended up dying in rehab from the sore on her butt that started at home , because the hospital let her go home one too many times . ( Granted she had end stage Leukemia . Could not heal or fight the infection that got in the sore. She only had 2-3 months left to live even without the sore).
These days if the hospital believes that they understand the potential consequences they let them go home more easily . This is unofficially called the “ patients right to rot”.
Someone has to get him into the shower and help him bathe.
With any dementia the "cues" we depend on become lost or the brain takes a long time to register that "hey, my bladder is full I have to go to the bathroom"
When we say "take a shower" it sounds easy but there are hundreds of steps to the simple shower. From taking off clothes, turning on the water, getting the temperature right, getting wet, using the soap and shampoo and what is used where. How to ....and on and on. So he needs help.
This is not even addressing the fear factor of the possibility of a fall, the noise.
Your father can not go to the doctor himself, he has to have someone there to explain what is happening at home and that person needs to be at home to help dad follow through.. Despite what your dad's doctor says your dad is "not OK"
Your dad should see a Neurologist or a Neuropsychologist to get a proper diagnosis.
Is anyone POA for dad? Someone may have to become dad's Guardian.
I suggest you see an Elder Care Attorney.
And if you or some other member of the family can not care for him 24/7/365 you will have to look at placing him in Memory Care.
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