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Both have alot wrong with them. But of coarse it's ALL ABOUT DAD. Screw my Mom. Or Me! Ive been caregiver for 6 yrs now. Im 50 now. Married (barely fr all the stress) with 2 sons 21 an 16. Slowly over the yrs my responsibilities have GROWN. I do just about everything now. Dont even work. Sibling wont help but come a mere 24 hrs once a month an Im over joyed. I have depression an anxiety an fibromyalgia an ADD dx just 7 mths ago. Went undx all my life apparently. Sooo ADD an caregiving dont mix Ill say that an with my Dad now Im Captain now nit Daughter. He doesnt like me tellin him or suggesting what to do an at this stage I dont care. He will not kill my Mom nor me. Ive really gotten angry the last yr. I cant work (med field) due to no backup (appts, fill med boxes, pickup groceries, pay bills, make sure meds taken an they eat or my Dad eats I should say). They now live in a handicapp apartment in a regular apartment complex. Both diabetics with home health coming 3x a day for insulin shots. Finally got Mom to hire a caregiver fr 9-1pm just to keep me fr driving off a cliff. But its getting to where Dad needs to much care or wont do for himself because he was babied his whole marriage. His way or highway. Then cant tell if he is lying or if his pain or issues are real. He fakes it alot an has even when I was in my 20's to get attention. Negative or positive attention, he will get it. If my Moms gets any attention(like illness) he turns into Dr Jekyll and Hyde. He lies about his non-compliance with Dr's. He has A-fib, Congestive heart failure, stage 3 KD, diabetes, legs fr knee down are purple now, swelling off on, Diverticulosus, on Coumadine for blood clot he had in 2012, an sm stroke. Severe sleep apnea an sleep deprivation. It can mimic dementia at times. He does not have straight out dementia. Mom has Pulmonary Fibrosis, diabetes, Diverticulosus, past breast cancer, bilateral mastectomies (1999), sciatica, gerd, swallowing prob, but she still crochetes, cooks some, gets Dad up 3x a day when on wkend, feeds him (cooks something an delivers food in his lap. He sleeps in the day an up all night or better part of it), can bathe herself but still has bath aid come in to watch for falls, neither can go without walkers or they will fall. Now Dad is only up when a nurse or Mom or Me or caregiver wakes him, an with Mom he wont get up until nurse there so now she only calls once (got a clue finally), at Breakfast, gets shots(insulin) (8-8:30am), eats, takes meds, back to bed. At 11:30, woke up again, gets shot, eats maybe, back to bed, @5pm gets up hopefully, shots, eats sometimes, takes coumadin, has been going back to bed even after Mom says she is fixing supper because she is hungry an thats when she feels like it , not at 8pm. An then wont get up sometimes an eat (after all that insulin an doesnt think he will get hypoglycemia)& take night meds. Which could create a poss ER visit for the 10th time (somewhere in there) the last 3 yrs an who is sitting with him 8 hrs in there in middle of night usually??? ME! Away fr my family. My sibling, sister, doesnt see the day to day stress an doesnt get that I DONT WANT AN ER VISIT OR ADMITTED!! He is a nightmare in hospital! An if something happens to Mom where she is in hospital, I have no clue what backup to use. Dad is deaf. Cant hear handicapp doorbell or phone for nurses coming for shots! Mom answer phone always unless Im there. So who will let them in? Ive already told manager of apartment an signed that the Agency nurses can get master key an let themselves in. Im D.P.O.A. an M.P.O.A. for both. Both are DNR. It scares me to death if that situation happens. Dad does nothing for himself but chg depends, BARELY, once or twice in 24 hr pd. Caregiver or me do it. Mom cannot bend over to do it. An i wont allow it. Its a longer story but Im going nutso, an see a psychiatrist(fr childhood issues to an my daughter passed in 2000), so doing this the last 3 yrs has really aged me,.

You desperately need to back off from the mess of your parents and take care of yourself and your own family. It’s up to your parents to provide for their care in their old age, it’s simply not your responsibility to do all this, it’s time for other care for your parents
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Lynne, with that history it is quite possible that your father does in fact have vascular dementia. Have you consulted his doctors on that point?

Well. So, *how* do you get your father into a nursing home? First, have you lined up a nursing home you'd be happy to place him in, and where you can be reasonably confident they'll have a place available? That's step one.

Then, with the backup of the admissions team and all your documentation and funding ready, you get heavy with your mother. Tell her your father's needs can't be met at home and he is therefore at risk of neglect (you hint because of her incompetence - obviously that would be a pretty harsh judgement, but as a matter of fact she hasn't the skills or the muscle for the job, true?).

I suppose what I'm saying is that the key to this is being determined to make it happen, and then planning, and then implementing the plan. Does any of this sound at all promising?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Oh, honey. You need to find somewhere within yourself some way to back off from being responsible for everybody's everything. Easier said than done, I know. I was there too. My situation sort of resolved itself when my drama queen, paranoid mother passed and my grandsons got older.

If your therapist is not helping you, find another one. Sign on an agency to help you handle all this stuff. Let someone else help you. I’m fearful you will crash and burn.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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