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I am severely disabled and I cannot care for myself let alone my 87 yr old mil who is in later stages of dementia and my husband who is 69 is showing signs of early to mid stage dementia he won't let me talk to his drs and denies it but he is starting to be very angry with me because I can't take care of he and his mother. Finally he is about to put her in a nursing home and resents me because he is having to. I am praying my disability will go thru soon as I am not able to work and have no friends or family to help me and he is getting more and more aggressive towards me and no matter how calm I try to be he accuses me of being hateful towards him. He is still working and he is only able to pay Bill's when I remind him. He does not want me on his bank account or to have a debit card because of what other women have done to him in the past. Please help I am at a loss as to what to do.

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Thank you all for your helpful advice and I will be taking it I just am at a loss as to how I ended up in a situation like this. Thank you for your answers and for the much needed support.
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Reply to LoriGa
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LoriGa,

Whether your husband has dementia or not is not important, because he is definitely showing tendencies of an abusive husband. the fact that he will not put your name on the bank account and refuses to let you have a debit card are huge red flags. He is controlling you financially! It also sounds as if you are being isolated and his aggression is escalating. These are all classic signs of an abuser.
I agree with others who have advised you to get out as soon as you are able. Please do as others have advised and make sure your disability goes into an account in your name only. Even if you decide to stay with him, I would make sure this happens. He should understand. After all, isn't that what he is doing?
If you do decide to leave, please don't let him know in advance, as this is when abusers become most dangerous.
Good luck, God Bless, and please, please be safe!!! Hugs and prayers!!
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Reply to katydid1
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Time to look after you.. He was born to a teen mom, so there's little chance to break the bond between he and mom. His anger is seeing her and him slip away, so you're the available "punching bag"
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Reply to shad250
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I would get out of the situation. Hopefully your disability will come thru. You will get back pay from the time of your first filing. Don't tell him about it, open up an acct of your own. Start looking for Senior apartments where you pay on scale, usually 30% of ur income. U will be responsible for electric and TV. (if can't afford TV there r antennas u can get ) Comcast gives WiFi for people on Medicaid for $10. Once on your own, u can sign up for Food Stamps. There's government food monthly. Usually food closets. Office of Aging could help with resources. You could get an aide. Medicaid has home services. There are Senior buses for shopping and appts. There is help you just have to go get it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You need a support system.

Make sure your doctor is fully informed of the situation with both your husband and mil. Ask for a referral to a social worker.

Send a letter to his doctor outlining your concerns, again about both of them. His doctor cannot talk to you with out his permission, but you can express your concerns. Let him know you are financially vulnerable too.

When your disability is approved make sure it goes into your own bank account that he does not have access to at all.

Do you have up to date wills and POA documents? If not please try to get them organized. If he will not, you need to do it for yourself, but do not assign him as POA for you if he is already exhibiting signs of dementia.
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Reply to Tothill
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