52 years of marriage to BB, ups and downs then a fall in January that broke the clavicle and tore the rotator cuff to the point he required surgery. He's 74 now and his job gave him from Jan 8th till mid March to heal & return to his senior driver position he's held for 32 yrs. Couldn't make it so they said retire or get fired. He retired and he's done a total about face. He's blaming me for everything, sees something and says that needs to be trashed. Clean up everything or I'll toss it (he does too). He watches all real life murder shows, forensic files, murder by numbers, 48 hours, closed cases, etc. Says he's getting tips for the perfect murder. I've hidden the pistol and he's mad about it. He's gotten mean, verbally abusive, forgets things, starts projects then forgets them. His driving frightens anyone in the vehicle with him so I drive most of the time. I figure some of the memory problems are from sedation at surgery. Also genetic since his mom had Alzheimers.

I collect dolls from the 50s & they are displayed in a back bedroom. He hates them, wants to rent a storage building, put them in it. He wants that room for himself to sit and smoke in. He vapes and I'm allergic to smoke from cigarettes, the vape liquid breaks me out in a rash. He just shrugs and says BB is going to do what BB wants to do in BBs house and if you don't like it, get out. Wish I could. I have no place to go. Didn't want to me to return to work when I was laid off in '92. Wanted me to stay home & care for the new grandkids. I did, now they are mostly grown. Now he says I'm lazy and need to get out and work like he had to. I have spent years watching 2-4 children daily while he took the money I made. Found he was hiring prostitutes with it & he got arrested in 2005 for hiring an undercover cop! I am physically unable to work now. I have had one complete knee replacement and take shots in the other knee that the dr. said has got to be replaced asap. I have an inoperable tumor behind my eye and have to take meds to control seizures. I have Cirrhosis of the liver even though I don't and never have drank. I've probably had 1/2 cup of liquor in all 68 yrs. I get dizzy, my heart skips beats leaving me shaking and weak. I've had 30 lbs of tumors removed from stomach & leg & they have returned. He tells me I'm fat, slouchy and stupid. Then swears he didn't say it. He constantly says I don't tell him things. I do, the kids tell him I do but, he denies it.

I had to put a warning on his phone because he sits and watches movies for hours on it and uses up our data. Now he swears I won't let him use it. New bill shows 533 min of calls, 7 pages of texts. He is constantly living in the past. Wants to go to the town where he was born to live now. He goes out to the garage, sits in the heat and listens to songs from the 40s. Constantly trying to live in the past. He is fine one minute, furious making snide remarks the next. It is like living on thin ice. I've gone thru this with mom who is now in memory care, now I'm heading into it with him. He will be furious in the morning because I knocked his vape battery off kitchen cabinet, it went under the stove and hung. I pulled it apart getting it out. I left him a note and the $20 I've been saving up since July for my hair cut. Hope he doesn't spend a lot on one. He's calling for estimates on rewiring house, remodeling kitchen & bath. Wants to buy a camper. We can't afford it at all. He doesn't know how to pay the bills or even what is owed & refused to learn. Now, he can't remember dr appts, meds, etc. without my reminding him which makes him angry. I've been placed on anxiety meds, had my dr. test me for dementia just in case. Nope! Just age related short term problems that are normal. But did tell me to find a safe haven from husband. He has appt finally in Dec for tests & I know he will try to cancel as usual if he remembers to check calendar. God knows my shoulders are really tired of the burden. Thanks for listening.

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Your husband wants you to leave and has made not-so-subtle threats of the "perfect murder". Are you waiting for him to try it? You do not owe him your life. You have many serious health issues yourself. Call a women's hotline and see what resources are available to you in your area.
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shad250 Nov 2018
Exactly Dateline has had episodes similar to this.
I have to add to my earlier post. I missed this in your question. I have to ask, WHY would you want to keep from walking away from him? Are you concerned about someone disapproving and accusing you of abandoning him? We are long married as well, but if my husband turned into the raging monster your husband has, I’d not be as concerned about anyone’s opinions and either he would go or I would. You can’t possibly be worried for his welfare. If you are, your worry is misplaced and you should be more worried about your own.

Get in your kids faces and tell them that by their unwillingness to truly help, your inevitable fate is going to be on their conscience. If something happens to you, care for their dad is also going to be on them...unless he is in prison. And wouldn’t that be a blot on the family name.

Before you act, consult with an attorney to see where you stand. Plan things out and then GET OUT.
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OMG. What a nightmare you're living in.

If you want to help him and help yourself, then stop taking care of him. Stay out of his way. Don't remind him to take his meds. Don't cook or clean for him. Let him fall flat on his face (figuratively), so that he will have a health crisis, and be taken to the hospital. From there, get him admitted to a facility where they can medicate him for his aggression. Do not take him back home. He belongs in an institution for his safety and everyone else's.
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Bornagain Nov 2018
What type of institution is available nowdays? I had to leave my husband of 32 yrs. Because he is bipolar/depressive . In full blown psychotic mania for 10 mo. I had to eventually leave for my safety and protection. He has been either manic or in depression for the last 5 yrs. Never balanced. I am concerned for him and his ability to care for himself.
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First, sending waves of sympathy to enfold you.
Next, whether or not he has dementia, he is demonstrating symptoms of SIGNIFICANT innapropriate and hostile behavior, so from YOUR point of you, it could be time to start making “either/or” decisions.
The first decision of that type would seem to me to be “Am I safe or unsafe living under the same roof with this person, given his threats and overt negative behavior?” If, as you sound, you are feeling unsafe in your own home, you MUST contact legal help (Legal Aid if necessary) and document his recent conduct. You must do this now.

THEN, if you feel that you may be a potential target of physical harm (the psychological harm is taking place already) you need someone to know, right now. If you have a local Woman’s Center, contact them. Contact a clergy person, ask for a referral for psychological counseling FOR YOURSELF from one of your medical doctors, speak to someone in the Office of the Aging. Do this right now, not a week from now, TODAY.

NEXT, your children NEED TO KNOW. Address this as a problem, and prepare a list of BEHAVIORS that concern you. Try hard to avoid emotion when making this list. “He raises his voice in an angry hostile tone”, NOT “He yells at me and makes me cry”.

He is reacting to something in a way that is not

productive for you, but it also sounds as though he is miserable himself. Unfortunately some people become enraged when they are depressed or anxious. If this is the case, the next type of diagnosis is psychological/psychiatric. Is there ANYONE, family or otherwise, to whom he will listen if concern is extended towards him concerning how he FEELS about his recent problems?
You will need to have someone else become aware of his behaviors in order to help yourself.
You are NOT POWERLESS. You MUST begin to advocate for your life. You sound like someone who needs the help of kind people who will listen to you. If you seek them out, they are out there, just as helpful and concerned people are here.

Take a FIRST STEP, however small you make think it is, to address this difficult situation TODAY. Look up potential help sites on line, look up Woman’s Crisis Center, Office of the Aging, find sources for getting help, make notes and keep them with you. One step forward will give you comfort and courage. Fondest thoughts-.
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I talked to my son yesterday and he came today and picked his dad up this morning and kept him with him as he checked on roads (he works for county), that needs repairs. Then he took him to lunch and shopping and delivered him back at 5 pm. It was a peaceful day and I spoke with a counselor regarding my options. He was home about an hour and did the about face because I didn't hear him say something and I was 5' from him. He whispers, mumbles and I've got taped proof if I need it of how he talks to me versus how he speaks to others so he can be heard. I was accused of ruining his great day & of lying when I said I didn't hear him tell me what he said. Then he informed me if I didn't straighten up, after the first of the year, he was gone. I almost shouted yes!! But, I am so worried about how I'm supposed to pay for all his dr bills he will leave and the other bills he's helped raise. He has told me he's taking his stuff and I can take care of the rest. (That's everything in and out of the house, including the house except my doll collection & clothes). I only get $450 a month SS. He kept after me to file for it asap when I was first eligible. Now, he gets angry because I don't draw enough. Should I sneak out and change the accounts so he can't drain them? I bought him a new truck in 2013 and paid for it with my SS and he now says everything in the account is his since I used up mine. I still get monthly deposits. My car will be paid for in 6 months and that will help me. His meds are expensive since he has glaucoma and is blind in one eye. He even wants to go to my moms home and get some of the yard tools, washer/dryer, etc and sell them!! He says he deserves them since he mowed the yard about 3 times (with my help). I hid the keys to her property. I will not steal from her or him. We have less than $112K left in our retirement/savings after some mega medical bills. And he has had to replace one hearing aid because he wears them in the rain without a hood. They short out. I have been taking care of him since I was 14 and then taking on all responsibilities of wife, mother, maid, cook, financial, full time job since I was 16. He hasn't been interested in anything to do with the home over the years and left it all up to me. Until he retired! Now it's his and to be run his way. He forgets what needs done, how to do it, and even makes me do 99% of the driving now. He gets lost easily too. It's hard to just stop and leave someone I love very much and everything I've worked for.
Everyone of you have given me more help and care than I've had in a long time and you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I am definitely looking into many of the options. God Bless all of you.
Cherokeewaha, Im so glad you got the opportunity to speak with a councilor. Were any of the options they suggested doable for you? Hopefully they also put you in touch with a legal aid lawyer that you can consult for your legal obligations (if any) regarding his bills.
What was your sons take on the day he spent with him? If he thought it was fine, ask him to do it more often, but also I hope you told him that within an hour he had turned on you again. You may want to play a recording for him. And again, if you feel at all threatened call your son and 911 so there’s a record and intervention.
Helpful Answer (10)

My heart just breaks for you.

PLEASE get some help. I don't think you should get kids involved in their marriage, but this is an emergency, your kids might think your being a little dramatic, or they may feel that they have to take sides. Assure them that they can love him, but you need their help. Do what Ahmijoy says. Get in their faces if you have to. You need some support.

He clearly does not want you there. If he doesn't want your help and is threatening you than all bets are off when it comes to your marriage. Some people can not be helped.

Do me a favour if your cell phone has apps download Robin Mc Graw abuse app. This app looks like a game app. But you can preprogram it to call one of your kids or 911 with a message like, "I am in danger and need help". Plus, it has a tracking device in it in case your husband relocate you so the police can find you. And it records what is going on in the room. The app should be in the app store, if not, Look up Georgia Smile or Robin Mc Graw.
It has saved so many women's lives.

You need to get out or get him out. No one should live this way. You deserve better.

May God protect and guide you through this very difficult time in your life. I believe Heavenly Father that You are able and willing to shield this woman from harm in Your son's name Jesus. Amen

If you believe say, Amen

Please keep us informed. We do care.
Helpful Answer (9)
I definitely believe. AMEN!
It probably depends on your state but our state has a lot of help for women who need to escape abusive relationships. Counseling, housing, money to get started in a new apartment, donated furnishings...lots of help. Someone I knew of left her husband with 25 cents in her pocket! If you ask your primary care physician, most of them also have literature on programs for you if you don't feel safe at home.

I would rather happily live in a studio apartment, quietly watching my Hallmark movies than with a person who wants me to leave. Best of luck to you!
Helpful Answer (9)

Cherokee, I think it’s a matter of acceptance on your part. Have you plainly explained to your children just how consumed with anger their father is,and that you take the brunt of It? Your husband is beyond reasoning with as one would with a person in full control of their faculties, which your husband is not. He needs to be hospitalized and evaluated. Nothing will change for the better until he is.

And please give the guns in your home to your son before you wind up on the wrong end of one.
Helpful Answer (8)

Dear Cherokee. My heart aches for you. You need to take the time to take care of yourself and get away from the oppressive situation long enough to clear your head. If you could visit with a relative or friend for a weekend and seek counseling, that would be good. You need to get it on record with your doctor, counselor, etc. what you are going through. You can visit Legal Aid and get some counsel.
It's clear that your husband has gotten worse, not better, over the years. He does need an evaluation and help, but so do you. What you are enduring is not healthy or safe, and it needs to improve. You've received lots of helpful advice and need to consider your options and what is best for you for your future. I wish you the best!
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I understand. I really do. It is hard to leave after so many years, especially when they control all the assets/money. Retirement has not worked well for us either. What I am planning, and what you might do, is start secretly boxing up those things that are important to you (dolls) and store them elsewhere. Make a list you keep hidden of what you will take if you need to leave in a hurry. Be on the lookout for another place to live (might have to just rent a room in a private home until you can get assets allocated. Don't discuss with your kids or depend on them - he probably has them convinced "you're crazy". Hide money, maybe made by selling a few things. If the violence escalates, don't hesitate to leave. I wish you the best.
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