Hello, guys. This is my first time posting in here. Warning: there's a big rant ahead. I (26, F) take care of my grandmother (she's 88) with the help of two other adults in the family. She never was an easy person to deal with. I'm an orphan, so, she was the one who raised me. She can be very verbally abusive. She's destroyed my self-esteem over the years, calling me fat, ugly, stupid and so on... Well, now here we are. I'm so angry at this situation. We can't move her to a nursing home, because it's too expensive. And my family is burned out. Everyone is stressed. When I'm not working, I'm with her. I have no love life, no hope, nothing. And I'm 26. When will things get better? Yes... I have a therapist, I have friends. But that's it. What do you think I could do? Is there anything I can make to feel a little bit better? This stress (from working 50, 60 hours/week and dealing with difficult people at home) is taking its toll on me. I'm feeling physically ill all the time. Sorry for the rant. Thanks for paying attention to me. Hope you have a nice Sunday. ♥

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Countrymouse - no no, it's a rented house.

Pepsee - thanks, thanks for the kind words ♥ yes, we all have had problems and endured hardships... can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone took their frustrations out on others?! Gahhhh.

CTTN55 - Our government is the worst -- we can't afford the necessary in-home help (full-time caregivers), but we can't EVER rely on the state programs. There are no free (or low cost) nursing homes. The charitable hospices/nursing homes retain at least 70% of the patient's monthly income. Also, no one helps the patients - they do everything by themselves.

Well, pretty much everyone helps taking care of her. We bring her food, clean the house, make sure she takes her medicines... and we always, ALWAYS keep an eye on her, because she has problems with balance and we're afraid she'll fall again. :/
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Your state program doesn't cover...what? Elderly with dementia?

So you're "on" whenever you aren't working, correct? Your aunt and uncle live next door and take care of her while you're at work? What kind of assistance does she need?
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You'd feel too guilty. [thinks: oh blimey not that poisonous old chestnut again...]

Right. Does your grandmother own her house?
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Hi T,
One thing I want to add here is.,....Understanding people's unconscious motives is all well and good. However, that doesn't mean it excuses their behavior towards you. It doesn't mean you have to be a whipping post for them. Just because they have/had problems in life does not give them a *free pass* to hurt you emotionally! No. We all have problems, that's just life.

Obviously gma will not change now, so you must. Set some boundaries on your time with her. Like if you get home at 5 pm, give yourself time to unwind. So tell gma you'll be with her from 6-7. Then you keep 7-8:30 for yourself. Go back at 8:30. Get her ready for bed, give meds, pee, whatever her night time routine is. Then by 9:30 your done. Something like that.

You have to understand you are valuable and you deserve to be protected from mistreatment and abuse. No one will protect you..... except you!

This is your forum too, use it to vent, rant, explore or whatever you need! Here's
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Thanks for all the answers!
To everyone - your advice is very, very meaningful to me. Really! :)

Ahmijoy -
If she has dementia, it's never been diagnosed by any doctor... but she has a very strong type of OCD (obsessive cleaning) and, I'm pretty sure, she has depression too. She's lost a lot during her life. Some of this she brought on herself, but life hasn't been very kind to her...

When she's verbally abusive, I leave the room -- it's a good advice, indeed. A nice way to calm down. And, unfortunately, I don't live in the US -- so, there's no Medicaid here. There's a state program quite similar, but it doesn't cover this kind of issue.

Eyerishlass -
Yes, I'm thinking of telling my family I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna read some posts on this forum tonight... I wanna see if someone did the same thing and what was the outcome.

SnoopyLove -
Hahaha thanks, your screen name is great too! :)
I told my therapist I have to do this, so, she helps me to make sense of the whole situation. I tell her that people are lashing out at me, or that someone isn't being helpful, or that I'm feeling hopeless... and she gives really good advice, showing me the unconscious motives behind one's actions. (Did I express myself clearly? English isn’t my first language, so please excuse any mistakes.)

Countrymouse -
It'd be nice... but I'd feel too guilty if I moved away right now. My family would never forgive me. The other two family members are my grandmother's son and his wife. They live next door, so, that helps a little: there's a house where we can escape sometimes.
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You're 26, you're working... is there any particular reason why you can't take your job and your salary and go and live somewhere else?

Who are the other two family members living in the home?
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Hi, Tutankamon! (I like your screen name -- I've always loved King Tut!) What does your therapist say about your caring for your grandmother? Does he or she think it is a good idea?
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Unfortunately, things will get better when your situation changes. When you don't have to care for your grandmother anymore. As the elderly age they become more difficult to care for.

If she is still verbally abusive towards you I agree with Ahmijoy: turn around and walk away. It's a little victory but if you're stuck in the same house as your grandmother it's difficult to actually get away without leaving altogether.

Another option is to not care for her anymore. Tell your family that you can't do it any longer and give them a few weeks to find someone else. Give them a specific date and make plans to leave on or before that date.
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Welcome to the forum! I am sorry that you’ve had to give up your life to care for your grandmother. I’m sure you don’t look forward to coming home from work to her verbal abuse. Have you had her evaluated for dementia? This disease seems to magnify bad behavior. You don’t need to tolerate this from her. When she verbally abuses you, tell her she’s not being nice and walk out of the room. Tell her you’ll be back when she can keep a civil tongue in her head.

Have you considered applying for Medicaid for Nursing Home Care? She won’t want to go, but that’s when you have to make a choice, her or your mental health. An Elder Law Attorney can help her qualify for Medicaid.

Come back whenever you need to vent. There’s always someone here!
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