52 years of marriage to BB, ups and downs then a fall in January that broke the clavicle and tore the rotator cuff to the point he required surgery. He's 74 now and his job gave him from Jan 8th till mid March to heal & return to his senior driver position he's held for 32 yrs. Couldn't make it so they said retire or get fired. He retired and he's done a total about face. He's blaming me for everything, sees something and says that needs to be trashed. Clean up everything or I'll toss it (he does too). He watches all real life murder shows, forensic files, murder by numbers, 48 hours, closed cases, etc. Says he's getting tips for the perfect murder. I've hidden the pistol and he's mad about it. He's gotten mean, verbally abusive, forgets things, starts projects then forgets them. His driving frightens anyone in the vehicle with him so I drive most of the time. I figure some of the memory problems are from sedation at surgery. Also genetic since his mom had Alzheimers.
I collect dolls from the 50s & they are displayed in a back bedroom. He hates them, wants to rent a storage building, put them in it. He wants that room for himself to sit and smoke in. He vapes and I'm allergic to smoke from cigarettes, the vape liquid breaks me out in a rash. He just shrugs and says BB is going to do what BB wants to do in BBs house and if you don't like it, get out. Wish I could. I have no place to go. Didn't want to me to return to work when I was laid off in '92. Wanted me to stay home & care for the new grandkids. I did, now they are mostly grown. Now he says I'm lazy and need to get out and work like he had to. I have spent years watching 2-4 children daily while he took the money I made. Found he was hiring prostitutes with it & he got arrested in 2005 for hiring an undercover cop! I am physically unable to work now. I have had one complete knee replacement and take shots in the other knee that the dr. said has got to be replaced asap. I have an inoperable tumor behind my eye and have to take meds to control seizures. I have Cirrhosis of the liver even though I don't and never have drank. I've probably had 1/2 cup of liquor in all 68 yrs. I get dizzy, my heart skips beats leaving me shaking and weak. I've had 30 lbs of tumors removed from stomach & leg & they have returned. He tells me I'm fat, slouchy and stupid. Then swears he didn't say it. He constantly says I don't tell him things. I do, the kids tell him I do but, he denies it.
I had to put a warning on his phone because he sits and watches movies for hours on it and uses up our data. Now he swears I won't let him use it. New bill shows 533 min of calls, 7 pages of texts. He is constantly living in the past. Wants to go to the town where he was born to live now. He goes out to the garage, sits in the heat and listens to songs from the 40s. Constantly trying to live in the past. He is fine one minute, furious making snide remarks the next. It is like living on thin ice. I've gone thru this with mom who is now in memory care, now I'm heading into it with him. He will be furious in the morning because I knocked his vape battery off kitchen cabinet, it went under the stove and hung. I pulled it apart getting it out. I left him a note and the $20 I've been saving up since July for my hair cut. Hope he doesn't spend a lot on one. He's calling for estimates on rewiring house, remodeling kitchen & bath. Wants to buy a camper. We can't afford it at all. He doesn't know how to pay the bills or even what is owed & refused to learn. Now, he can't remember dr appts, meds, etc. without my reminding him which makes him angry. I've been placed on anxiety meds, had my dr. test me for dementia just in case. Nope! Just age related short term problems that are normal. But did tell me to find a safe haven from husband. He has appt finally in Dec for tests & I know he will try to cancel as usual if he remembers to check calendar. God knows my shoulders are really tired of the burden. Thanks for listening.
Thank goodness he is no longer threatening you.
Perhaps the doctor was trying to get your husband to open up, to see what he is thinking and feeling, not agreeing with his behaviour. He may interpret it as getting the green light, but I think it unlikely that she was.
More along the lines of "I can understand why you thought you needed to hide money and weapons..." That does not mean she agrees with it.
Are you able to get any counselling? Just for yourself, to support you through your health problems and the challenges of dealing with your husband.
Tons of good advice here. Indeed, your safety comes 1st. IF domestic violence (DV) erupts, police usually have to arrest the batterer, e.g., your husband. If your husband calls cops, lies and tells them YOU hit HIM, they have to arrest you!! In most DV cases, someone is likely to spend the night in jail. (Some states give cops a little more leeway.)
But there IS good news. Get yourself to local police and file a "preemptive" domestic violence (DV) report. Cops actually appreciate this. It doesn't change what law requires police to do with reported DV, but it helps next morning when accused is arraigned. The judge will have copy of preemptive report so he or she knows in advance about possible dementia with a potential for violence -- or a false accusation of violence -- since before the incident. Gives judge valuable info on whether to commit your husband for psychiatric hold or dismiss (false) charges against you.
It's also critical you get to an Elder Care lawyer. (Worry about paying for it later.) They know about all options available whether about your safety or separating and securing your assets and half of marital assets. No need to be embarrassed. They've heard it all before, and worse. Best $$ you'll ever spend. Side benefit, it might save a lot on taxes and other fees in the future.
Please stop berating him.
Karsten, please give up your dream of becoming a stand up comedian. : )
1) Your husband loved you once, a long time ago.
2) Over time, he stopped loving you and started looking for sex elsewhere.
3) He was able to continue living with you when he wasn't with you all day long.
4) Now that he's home all day, he just wants you to go away.
5) He's told you flat out that he wants you to leave.
7) He's trying to get you to leave by being mean to you.
6) He has even threatened you to get you to leave.
7) Yet you refuse to leave.
8) You keep staying because you love him and have worked so hard for the relationship to work.
9) You keep staying because you remember the love the two of you once had and think you can have it again.
10) You keep staying because you can't understand how he is able to not love you anymore.
11) You are scared because you lack money.
If so, I've been there. It was very difficult to leave. But since then, I've met and married someone else. Someone far better. Someone who loves me and treats me so well, so much better than my previous husband.
i can’t blame you for hiding the gun; my mother also loves those shows so you are faced with some really hard choices because of it...for your own physical health and his.
the living in the past is their long term memory; everything short term is crumbling. My mother’s mood would rocket from zero to 100 in seconds, then deny all the bizarre hurtful things that were said.
outside of developing an incredibly thick skin for the tornado of words they heap on someone, it may be time to talk to the family as to what care can be administered - because the family has to come to grips with what’s happening and that’s hard to do. If you can’t get him to a doctor, perhaps an assessment can be made though adult services in your area- I’d recommend checking it out. But you’re neither crazy or anything else being hurled at you - you are in the grip of someone’s illness after 50plus years of marriage to them like my parents - care for yourself accordingly. ❤️
However, in your case, it sounds like your husband wants to end the marriage. It can be difficult to believe that someone can stop loving their spouse after being married to them for so long, but it happens. I'd talk to you kids to see what their take is on it. They have a closer relationship to you and your husband than any of us on this forum do. Do your children think Dad just has dementia, or do they think he's aware of what he's doing and wants a divorce? Love can grow and deepen and it can also diminish and break apart. I'm not a lawyer, so I can't tell you what to do. But if I were worried that my husband was going to waste all of our money, then I would open a bank account in my name only and move my money into it. I would also have one of my kids get POA to protect his money if he were wasting it due to dementia. And if I were scared that my husband might hurt me, then I'd move in with one of my children until things got resolved (e.g. the house got sold and monies distributed).
You are a believer, is or was he? Scripture tells men to love their wives as Christ loves the church.
Here is the thing, you are entitled to 1/2 of everything acquired during the marriage, doesn't matter how it was paid for.
If you are truly frightened that he will harm you, you need to file a police report that states he is threatening your life. You can go to the police station and do this, they will offer you some one to talk to that can guide you to all your options. Please utilize the services available, yours wouldn't be the 1st time they have dealt with a psychopath that everyone else thinks is the cats meow and they terrorize their spouse. Classical behavior, law enforcement will understand that he will try to turn the table, get as much proof recorded as possible.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with so many health issues, abuse can make us so very sick. Fear and stress eat our human bodies from the inside out. You are scared, and that is okay, but you can do this, you can take back the power you have given him over you. It will not be easy but you are worth it, our Heavenly Father does not want His children to suffer. Many here are praying for you and we will all believe with you that things will get better for you very soon. Whatever it takes.
Hugs and love to you.
Dementia has so many faces it’s dofficult to know what’s going on. If he’s always been a touch of an abuser then expect that to be worse. Post surgery can leave someone with anesthesia induced psychosis and varrying other issues. If he was catherized he could have a UTI. UTI is the most common cause of a wrongful diagnosis for Dementia. I’d get the doctor to do a urinalysis ASAP.
Behaviors associated with any cognitive decline can include violence and verbal abuse or sometimes a person just levels up on their original disgusting behavior. Only you know.
Your social security is t enough to survive. You have legal rights. Make it a point to educate yourself by contacting an elder law attorney. You’d be entitled to some of his social security and pension either way. You’ll need a full financial picture because if he does have Dementia his care will bankrupt you both. There are ways to protect your assets by getting him into long term skilled care. The way you describe him makes me think he is sundowning, getting worse at sunset or evening.
peotecting yourself with the county is an excellent starting point. Always remember if someone’s behavior is a threat to themselves or others then that’s not ok!! Personally the next time he ramps up I’d Baker act him on a 72 hour hold and get a restraining order which will remove him from the home. You’d need to protect any liquid assets prior to something even worthy happening so get legal counsel ! Inform the kids! Last thing anyone needs is to flip the switch and decide it’s you.
Good luck ! Sending you light and love!
It is a crime to take a person's SS income, SSDI, or SSI and use it for anyone other than the beneficiary. You are the beneficiary.
You are both retired. Your husband could be fully supporting you. Instead of you paying from your income for his truck. You could, get a rep-payee for your SS income (now) who would be required by law to use the money for you, and pay off your car in full sooner. Someone should have eyes on your money, and manage at least this small amount on your behalf. It could be a trusted family member, not under the influence of your husband. Go to the SS local office with this person, choose wisely.
I do not have the entire picture of your finances, whether they are separate, combined, or even if you have assets from your family (mother's property) to be inherited. An inheritance is separate community property, just yours unless you co-mingle those funds with his. See an attorney.
A "safe haven" from your husband as the doctor recommended, could be in part your own bedroom with a lock on it.
Trying this approach could unbalance his power over you. It can help him realize he could be losing you, and will need to adjust his behaviors if it is at all possible for him to do.
Don't wait, imo, for the results of evaluations for him, medications, etc. You need to take action on your own behalf right now, before this escalates.
You are understandably in fear of him. Your description of him makes him sound like a bully, as well as all the other issues. Thinking he is ill and cannot help himself will leave you on thin ice f o r e v e r, waiting, cowering, making yourself sick.
If you are doing the finances (and paying the bills), you need to secure 1/2 of the $112 k in a separate account under your control. He is a bully who has pulled the wool over your eyes, and does not have a way to back up his threats to you, imo.
Securing 1/2 of assets is not stealing from him. His claiming what is his that belongs to your mother is just c r a z y talk.
This is an accurate description of your budget, and he doesn't know how to pay bills?
"The $20 I've been saving up since July for my hair cut."
" Hope he doesn't spend a lot on one. He's calling for estimates on rewiring house, remodeling kitchen & bath. Wants to buy a camper. We can't afford it at all."
" He doesn't know how to pay the bills or even what is owed & refused to learn."
First, due to the fear and anxiety he is causing you, you may have a "victim" mentality. It is just not accurate that you would have to offer your haircut money to him. Once you become detached more from his control, you will be able to more readily identify your own participation in this dysfunctional marriage.
You may help yourself if you start to view the budget for personal items (haircut, vape) as was told to me: If he spends x amount, you get the same x amount.
(Marital counseling had helped me see this).
Another note: Legal aid will not be able to assist you due to the assets of your marriage, imo.
The skipped heart beats will subside when you are under less stress.
Have you considered marriage counseling (for you if he will not go)??
It may put a delay fuse on the impending crisis.
I was so frustrated about 2 years ago with his constant cigarette purchases that I asked how much a pack cost. $5.20 at that time. I took 20 cents and flushed it down the toilet in front of him. He wasn't happy. Then, I took $5 and rolled it up and lit it. He tried to get it to put it out saying I was crazy to burn money. I asked what he was doing and he denied he burned money, just cigarettes.
Yes, you love him even if it's like a brother, by virtue of the number of years he is in your life.
You must get out for your safety first. Tell yourself you can always move back if that is what it takes to help you cope. Your eyes will open in ways they can't while in the heat of the moment. Most people get over the hump of fear of being alone and never look back. Don't let him guilt trip you. He is not the same person you married. He is the one making the decision for you to go.
He was about 22?
You started caring for him when you were 14?
In the U.S., you would have needed permission to marry at age 16. This happens with young lovers all the time, so I am not judging you. Just want to be sure, looking back, that you were not adversely influenced, sold into slavery, or kidnapped back then.
Since you are an adult, in a long term marriage, and allowed to make your own decisions, I want to let you know that if you decide to leave, filing for divorce will assist in securing your rights to 1/2 of the community property and support.
Of course you need to secure finances separate for your own use to survive the year (or years) prior to the settlement, final decree.
Housing: Can you move into your mother's property?
If you decide to stay, all the things you are struggling with will need a viable solution, and safety for you, and proper care for your husband.
Noting the finances.....your income is very low. You may need help to readjust your thinking about whose bills you will be responsible for if he leaves. An attorney can help you. After divorce, many file for bankruptcy.
Those are just some points you could be aware of. I am neither advocating for divorce or for staying in a dangerous situation. But you have choices.
He is nuts, so everything should be done quietly and quickly to ensure her safety.
I understand it's hard to walk away after all this time. Sometimes the person you marry is not that person 50 years later, dementia or no. I had 34 years invested in a marriage when the spouse decided to leave me for a 30-year-old co-worker. It took me another year, in couples counseling, to realize that, in my case, the person I thought I had married was never that person at all.
Run, don't walk, away now.
But she's been married to this man for fifty two years. A lifetime. Children and history, her whole adult life is bound up with him. I don't think it's reasonable to imagine she can just walk away for good and leave it all behind her without a second thought.