He does not want home care in the house. He will not do any activities with my sister. She offers to take him to her house for lunch or to a restaurant but he won't go if I am not there. I need some time to myself.

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My Dad was the same way. He was firing new caregivers faster than I could hire them.

then, the sister of a friend (a professional caregiver) did this...

she came over over and started to organize all the books. Told my Dad..she is here to help organize the place. For an hour or so, she was busy...I offered her a cold ice tea...offered to my Dad too. So we three sat around and she was talking to my Dad and he was laughing. Next day we did the same...after another chat session, he mentioned he never gets to go to Walmart...she offered to take him....and off they went.

the next day, Saturday, she didn’t come and my Dad was looking for her....all weekend. On Monday, she just slid into the caregiver roles with no fuss.

so...just being someone in...but tell him it is for some other reason. Let him have time to get used to her...let him get to know her.
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Reply to Katiekate
herdingcats Oct 4, 2019
That caregiver is a bit of a genius AND a saint. Sounds like you struck gold with her!
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You mention that your husband had a stroke and, at 89, that can drastically alter his mental status. At the same time, you need time for yourself. You will need to train him into accepting having other people around the house to help you. The help is for you: "Hubby dearest, I need help around the house". Start hiring in-home help and inviting your sister over to make her more of a presence. After a few days, start leaving for short periods of time.

You also may want to talk with his doctor about antianxiety medication. The doctor will start with a very low dose that may be just enough to take the edge off. Remember that medication is not necessarily permanent.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw

iAdvice is just go. I just started having someone in once a week to give my husband a bath. Doctors orders were for me to quit bathing him as we would both end up on the floor if I had to catch him. I have the man for three hours on a day I can plan on going out to lunch or make appointments. I just tell my husband that I have a dentist/doctor/whaever appointment and he can't go. And I leave. He is unhappy about it but is fine when I get home to a man that doesn't smell bad, and is fed. Just go and keep on going! Only way.
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Reply to Rabbithunter

It may be time to consider placement, even if just for respite. It is honestly not humanly possible to be there every second. You must level with him and tell him that it is not an option, that you need help, that the tasks are now too much for you. Be honest. Tell him that the help is not for him, but for YOU. Because ultimately that is the truth. So sorry for all you are going through. If he won't go out to her house, then you must have her come to sit for you and YOU go out of the house. Even if it is out to a motel, a movie, a dinner, and back the next day.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

I had the same problem with my husband and I had the same problem for me--getting "me time" which I needed badly. He would send aides away! I'd come home from work and the aide would be gone and he'd be needing supper and cleaning up and eventually getting put to bed. I was livid. I was crying. I phoned his brother who always calmed me down and gave me relevant advice. I cried on the phone. Really I was at the end of my rope.

I had a session with my husband where I cried and got mad at him and showed what it was doing to me. It was ugly. Hubby is very, very stubborn. His brother was well aware of that.

After my melt down-in front of my husband-things got better. I had to repeat often how I needed him to let other people help him. If I burned out, he's be on his way to a nursing home.

All in all things eventually worked out. It is almost 14 years later and just last year he wwent to a nursing home. Yes, that was a struggle , too. Now I am living alone in a nearby condo. I have applied for Medicaid to help pay for the nursing home.

You have my sympathy. Please keep us informed of your progress. Christine
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Reply to ctupton

Senior Day Care might be an option, sometimes a caretaker just has to take the bull by the horns and do it.
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Reply to DollyMe

You are his safety line, safety net.
He knows that you will help him, he knows that you know his limitations.
He knows YOU. Others he may not be sure of at any given time.
Why not have your sister come over for lunch and when she gets there and you get lunch on the table say that you have to run out for mayo or sugar or fake a call from a neighbor that needs you to help with something. Tell Hubby you will be right back. Stay away for 15 minutes or so, 20 if you can. Come back and resume lunch.
Do this a few times, not always at lunch but just have your sister come over for coffee and go out for a bit.
He will learn that you will come back.
You are not leaving him.
This is much like a toddler being left at Preschool for the first time.
All I can say is...Patience.
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Reply to Grandma1954

My Dad was not an easy man to live with. When my parents were about 80 my Mom said "when you take those vows, they don't tell you that when they are old so are you and you don't feel like putting up with their s _ _ t any longer.

If you are in your 80s too, your husband needs to realize you need time to yourself. That you cannot take care of him physically. The stroke may have effected his reasoning or he is just stubborn. Sit down and tell him you can't do it all. If he won't except help, you may need to put him in LTC facility because his care effects your health too. What does he thinks will happen if u can't care for him. You want to care for him but u can't do it without help. Also, you need time to yourself. Tell him he needs to consider ur needs to.
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Reply to JoAnn29
cherokeegrrl54 Oct 4, 2019
Your mom was absolutely right!! This made me smile!! Blessings to you
He won’t. You have to.

He can go with your sister or have home care come in or go to a senior day center or you could arrange a couple of weeks respite at a assisted living community...there are lots of options. It is you who are not insisting that he choose one.

If it seems impossible to stand your ground, make up a little white lie (you pulled a back muscle, perhaps). Think of yourself as unable (not unwilling) to care for him. Because, if you don’t get regular breaks, you may find yourself unable to care for him. Protect your health; physical and emotional.
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Reply to IsntEasy

You sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel and what his behavior is doing to you - it is destroying you and you will no longer allow it. End of statement. Then totally stop doing things for him - give it a few days and when he sees you won't cave in, tell him he will have a caretaker or it will continue - he is on his own. And tell him if he still refuses, you will remove him and place him in a facility. Then be prepared to follow this up with action. A caretaker and help or a facility. You are done - you are saving your own sanity and life and there will be no choice in that decision of yours.
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Reply to Riley2166
sandy1955 Oct 4, 2019
Riley are you married?
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