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He’s only 58 and I was his primary caregiver for years. It all came to a head after he broke down a door trying to get to me… 911 was called, and family helped move him within weeks. The transition was difficult, but lots of new meds have help calm him down.


Each visit causes me to panic, and although nothing bad has happened, I’m exhausted afterward and just want to do nothing or sleep all the time.


Anyone else dealing with this type of thing?

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FTD is known for the violent behavior someone has with it. I have experienced similar abusive behavior when helping my ex husband when he was evicted from his condo. 3 months turned into 3 years, with him doing nothing but sit and watch TV and do nothing to help me around my house. He had no family left, all his siblings died from cancer within a 2 year period. If I dared complain, he would have an instant tantrum, screaming at me and calling me "Fat Bi***" constantly. I was forced to call the police more than once to take him to a nearby motel for a few nights, when I couldn't take it anymore. My ears were ringing from the screaming.

After useless VA doctors did nothing, I got him on my Medicare, and he was diagnosed with a bad parathyroid gland, which dumps excess calcium into your blood, causes dementia-like symptoms, as well as osteoporosis and kidney damage. He had surgery last year, which cured it. I finally found him his own apt. and moved him out last Thanksgiving. He is doing great!

My blood pressure has dropped from 140 to 114. I'm sleeping better, have lost 20 lbs. without all the junk food he wanted here constantly. I was jumpy a few months, but started calming down.

You need to stay away from him, he's young to already have FTD, so is strong enough to possibly hurt you. That's fine and dandy his new meds have supposedly calmed him, but he still has a serious form of dementia, and is basically a walking time bomb.

I know the exhausted feeling well. All I said constantly was, "I'm so tired." I started getting back into home projects, cleaning out closets, trying to organize.

You can care all you want, just protect yourself. Find something to do you used to like, and just make yourself start doing it. Get your mind off the madness. See your own doctor for a checkup, make sure your blood pressure is normal, ask about depression and PTSD. It's real and there are meds for it. Caregivers tend to ignore their own health, being so overwhelmed with the person's drama and violent behavior. I felt like the oxygen was sucked out of me.

Worry about YOU now. You've done your duty, time to step back. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to Dawn88
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Please see a Therapist.
You need to have a place where you can talk, vent, safely with a neutral party listening. And do consider the possibility of medication to help you deal with this
Just like anyone that has had a trauma you have to deal with it.
It will take time.
I am sure that he did not break down the door trying to get to you the first time he got angry. I am sure there were MANY other times that he became angry before it go to that point. So dealing with it will take time as well.

You can cut back on visits.
You can see him from a distance, if he is involved in a meal you can watch him from across the room to know that he is doing alright.
You can visit with him in a Common room, not in his room so that there are people around you if you are concerned about being alone.
You placed him to protect your PHYSICAL safety.
Now you have to take care of your MENTAL and EMOTIONAL safety.,
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Since each visit causes you to panic, do not visit. He has others to take care of him there. You don't have to endure panic attacks just to fulfill some societal norm that doesn't make sense in this situation. You may think that because others still expect you to love and care for husband while he's in a facility, and since you did it for so long, well, gotta keep doing it or bad zombies will get him, or family won't understand if you abandon him, or whatever.

He tried to attack you. You're lucky 911 came to the rescue. Listen - once someone becomes violent toward you in thought, word or deed, the emotional bond between you is damaged. He's your husband, and you are still married, but you have to take care of yourself.

As others suggest, find a therapist and spill the whole story. After you start feeling better and recovering, then if you feel like visiting, ask the therapist if a visit would be okay.

I've been in threatening situations before, and it's hard to sort feelings afterward. Avoidance in the form of taking a break from the situation is a good coping skill! I wish you luck in your recovery from a horrible situation.
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Reply to Fawnby
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JanPeck123 Jun 9, 2025
Fawnby,
Very wise words indeed.
(4)
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Calli, please get some psychological counseling for yourself NOW so you can build a life, still be part of his, and get through this transition and on with a real life. He is medicated and placed and this is a good thing. Be certain your own finances are protected by seeking consult with an elder law attorney. See a counselor who is familiar with working with life transitions losses. And then get on with life. Our flight and fight responses are a part of all that makes us human, a normal protective mechanism that has kept us alive. But it goes into overdrive when we learn fear. You will be taught ways to manage your mental and bodily responses to fear that can TRULY HELP.

So relieved that is is done and taken care of. You did the best you could as long as you could and this was likely very overdue. It did you damage. You can undo that. If you got this far I would bet you can do just about anything.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You don't have to visit often and when you do, visit in the common area, never his room.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I agree that you need to reduce or stay away until you get help for yourself and agree you need professional help. My long-time friend is a psychologist who trains other therapists in EMDR therapy. Please research it -- it has an excellent track record of helping people with trauma and may be appropriate for you. May you receive healing and peace your heart as you live your life to its fullest.
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Reply to Geaton777
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How is he during your visit? Did he apologize? As other members mentioned it is time to look after yourself!!

All the Best!!
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Reply to cover9339
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Attend a support group for loved ones of FTD or another form of dementia, either in person or online. Make friends with some of the spouses, siblings, or children of the other residents. Talk to your clergywoman/man at your church, synagogue, mosque, or temple, if you have one. S/he will able to refer you to a therapist consistent w/your beliefs. If you aren't religious, ask you PCP (MD, DO, NP, or PA) for the names of competent therapists. While this is difficult for you, it's nothing they haven't all heard before.
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Reply to swmckeown76
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It is so sad losing the person you love while they are still living.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Please find counseling for yourself.

You don't have to visit him regularly. It causes you stress, and it may even trigger something in him that is stressful for him. Let the professionals who are taking care of him become his new world of support. He is not going to get better. You are losing him. Go ahead and grieve.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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See if another family member is going for a visit and join them. Don't go alone if you are fearful or uncomfortable. Get involved in an exercise class or working out at a gym. A little sweat works wonders for depression. Find a church or a group of people with common interests. Try not to personalize his new behavior. It is heartbreaking. I am so sorry.
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Reply to Pencarl
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