He does not want home care in the house. He will not do any activities with my sister. She offers to take him to her house for lunch or to a restaurant but he won't go if I am not there. I need some time to myself.
He is just 1 person in the household - your wishes are important too - so maybe you tell him there will be some assistance coming into the house
It is not up for discussion at all but you have several options so he can help pick which would be the least disagreeable to him - then give him 3 or 4 choices to pick from - let him know he is to co-operate otherwise you will have to add more from the list
Let him know you still love him & care for him but that you are getting older too - this help is really for you to be able to stay strong & healthy so that you can be there for him as much as you are able however you are human not superwoman so you need help to provide the best care for him
If he whines too much about this then ask him where he will be when you get sick & are in hospital - he most likely still sees you in his mind's eye as a young active person [about 40 years ago] so may not realize how much you need a break sometimes
Maybe you could start out by having a caregiver come in while you are home. That way he can slowly get used to it. Then you can do whatever you desire to do, soak in a hot tub, read a great novel, watch a movie, crafting, anything you enjoy. Just don’t supervise what the caregiver does unless it is something to help her to help him. Otherwise let her do the heavy lifting while she is there.
Next time the caregiver comes say something like, ‘Honey, you remember this lovely woman who came to help out. She is going to be coming on a regular basis so I can get out for awhile. See you soon! Bye for now’.
Then calmly walk out of the door and don’t look back. You deserve it! You are equally important to him and you already know that or you wouldn’t have inquired on this site.
Try telling him that the help for him is really help for you. Hire some home care and leave when they arrive so he has to ask them for whatever he needs. I find that if I'm here when a sibling comes by, my mom will still call for me to do whatever and they even say - I'm sitting right here, what do you need? Plan a day and night away from home to help shift his thinking toward asking others. It is better to do it now so you can retrain the brain into asking others.
He...”...does not want/will not do/won’t go...etc.”??? He darn well will if you give him the good ol’ “ my way or the highway, sweetums!” I mean, what the—? Just tell him what is going to happen, and WALK. You are dithering. A couple of weeks of this, and I bet he will shut up and see reason. Like...what choice does he have?
Obviously, you love him, and have clearly done your best, and are worn out. Be good to yourself, or he will drag you right down with him. And then, you will be of no use to anybody.
Maybe the question is how can you let someone else take as good of care of him as you do. Easy! Put (fake or real) cameras in the rooms he should be in and one outside where they might sit. Home health care givers are trained in that specific field; caring for those who are well enough to stay in their homes as long as they can. Try and get the same caregiver each time so he builds a trust and gets familiar with the routine. A substitute will keep pretty much to the same routine so don't worry about that. My mother lives with me and has one lady 3 hours once a week. They also vacuum, clean his bathroom, dust and visit with them. For shut ins, this is something they begin to look forward to. If it doesn't work out, no harm done.
The only thing that is keeping him at home is your ability to do what you do. For you to do what you do, you need some help. It's not as much about him as it is about you. Lots of good strategies here to get him to buy in. Helping him understand as a demented person is really difficult, but you need to do this or you will wear out before he does!
iAdvice is just go. I just started having someone in once a week to give my husband a bath. Doctors orders were for me to quit bathing him as we would both end up on the floor if I had to catch him. I have the man for three hours on a day I can plan on going out to lunch or make appointments. I just tell my husband that I have a dentist/doctor/whaever appointment and he can't go. And I leave. He is unhappy about it but is fine when I get home to a man that doesn't smell bad, and is fed. Just go and keep on going! Only way.
You sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel and what his behavior is doing to you - it is destroying you and you will no longer allow it. End of statement. Then totally stop doing things for him - give it a few days and when he sees you won't cave in, tell him he will have a caretaker or it will continue - he is on his own. And tell him if he still refuses, you will remove him and place him in a facility. Then be prepared to follow this up with action. A caretaker and help or a facility. You are done - you are saving your own sanity and life and there will be no choice in that decision of yours.
I had the same problem with my husband and I had the same problem for me--getting "me time" which I needed badly. He would send aides away! I'd come home from work and the aide would be gone and he'd be needing supper and cleaning up and eventually getting put to bed. I was livid. I was crying. I phoned his brother who always calmed me down and gave me relevant advice. I cried on the phone. Really I was at the end of my rope.
I had a session with my husband where I cried and got mad at him and showed what it was doing to me. It was ugly. Hubby is very, very stubborn. His brother was well aware of that.
After my melt down-in front of my husband-things got better. I had to repeat often how I needed him to let other people help him. If I burned out, he's be on his way to a nursing home.
All in all things eventually worked out. It is almost 14 years later and just last year he wwent to a nursing home. Yes, that was a struggle , too. Now I am living alone in a nearby condo. I have applied for Medicaid to help pay for the nursing home.
You have my sympathy. Please keep us informed of your progress. Christine
As hard as it may seem, sometimes you just need to go. Taking care of YOU is just as important as taking care of your husband! Get the help there with him and slip out the door if needed. Ideally it's best to have the person helping be there with you and share the help i.e. help change clothes both of you at same time. Eventually you step back as other person steps up. However this can take time. Days if not months. Start out slow (15 minutes) with length of time your gone. Increase by 15 minutes each time. This worked for me with Dad at memory care home. Hopefully it will for all of you. It just takes time and easing in to. Hugs.
This is not simple because IF you are gone he will worry AT TIMES that you are with another man!!!!It is the way men think! When you are going out have your friend come in to see him and then tell him WE are going shopping or to a movie!
Prior to this using insurance get a therapist for him. You and family members say that in order for you to stay home for your care there are times help must come in because your wife has times she must go out on errands, her Dr visits to be with friends, attend support meetins and if he cannot deal with this a Sr Home may have to be considered because you no longer have the strength to do what u are doing and you love him VERY much and want him to be home with you!
With totally unreasonable adults, you just have to tell him that YOU have to go to the doctor yourself and have x-ray or anything. I detest lying but there comes a time when you just HAVE to do it to save yourself in a situation like this and it is innocent anyway. It isn’t like you are meeting a man or something after all. Tell husband your sister is going to come visit while you are gone. It doesn’t matter what he says at that point. Just do it and leave and do what you have to do. He is your husband, not your father and you do not need his permission.
It's time for a heart-to-heart with your husband. While he may be in pain and scared from his physical issues, care for him CANNOT be all about him. You, as his wife, matter and you need care too. From your profile's description of his health, he could last for years. But will you?
As a husband, he has responsibilities to his wife. He must accept the fact he must do his part. He has no choice but to accept in-home help, and it's not a matter of his WANTS, it's a matter of your NEEDS. Needs outweigh wants.
Frankly, there may come a day when you fall ill, or collapse, or worse. Then what would he do?
He's had a stroke, can he process facts? If so, put it to him how HE will carry out his responsibilities to you, concerning help around the house and with his care. Make him come up with the answers. An answer of "only you" is not acceptable.
I think that you should bring someone in and leave him at home while you go out and get a break.
You can tell him that statistics show that 40% of caregivers die before the person that they are caring for and you refuse to become part of that statistic. Put your foot down and give him the ugly truth, if you die or become incapacitated he will be in a nursing home and you won't be able to ensure that he is being cared for. He isn't the only one that matters in this marriage. He mans up and does what he can to take care of his wife and right now that means going with your sister or staying at home with someone besides you.
Hugs, you do matter, don't let his stubbornness cause you to make yourself sick or worse. Sometimes we just have to get tough.
My husband also for a longtime would not let me get help or maybe I just did not want anyone else caring for him. Who knows! But we now have aids and he does let them help him. I can get a break, two days a week for 4 hours each day. I have it set up that we have the same aids so he is friendly with them. He has Dementia and a fall risk, he has been ill for over 10 years. It has been "Hell" since the end of Jan. in and out of the hospital. We are now in the last stages. If I were you, I would bring in aids. He may not like it at first, but you need to take care of you or you will not be able to care for him.
He can go with your sister or have home care come in or go to a senior day center or you could arrange a couple of weeks respite at a assisted living community...there are lots of options. It is you who are not insisting that he choose one.
If it seems impossible to stand your ground, make up a little white lie (you pulled a back muscle, perhaps). Think of yourself as unable (not unwilling) to care for him. Because, if you don’t get regular breaks, you may find yourself unable to care for him. Protect your health; physical and emotional.
I have the same problem with my dad. He is 86, has demetia, and lives with me. The VA is providing a home health aide twice a week, through Home Instead. I thought this would be a lifesaver for me, but he pitches a fit when they come, won't allow anyone to change his depends or shower him except for me. I have to keep reminding him that if I can't get out to do my shopping and errands, that he is going to have to go to a nursing home! This does the trick, but I have to remind him often. Also, it is too hot in the summer to let him go with me and sit in the car while I shop. I have to tell him he will die and/or I will go to jail!
My father thinks I’m the only one who knows how to care for him as well. Please take the great advice you were given from the kind people and get the time to yourself that we all need so desperately. You will take much better care of him and enjoy being with him instead of resenting him. Best of luck.
Tough love. If he won't go with your sister, then leave him at home with her and just go away yourself. Go for a walk, to the library, take yourself out to eat. If he doesn't like it, tough. You have to do what is right for you.
Is the home care to help him or you? It's our house too and if you need their help then just let him gripe and have it anyway. Warn him if he doesn't let you have a break you are going to start taking him to adult day care. (You might want to call it something else). He might even find he enjoys it.
lillian, you know best but just because he’s awkward when you’re not there doesn’t mean it’s not working. :) There’s a bit of ‘practice makes perfect’ here... you want it to be an enjoyable time for all, but even if it’s not keep doing it anyway. Best wishes to you both. 💐
My Dad was not an easy man to live with. When my parents were about 80 my Mom said "when you take those vows, they don't tell you that when they are old so are you and you don't feel like putting up with their s _ _ t any longer.
If you are in your 80s too, your husband needs to realize you need time to yourself. That you cannot take care of him physically. The stroke may have effected his reasoning or he is just stubborn. Sit down and tell him you can't do it all. If he won't except help, you may need to put him in LTC facility because his care effects your health too. What does he thinks will happen if u can't care for him. You want to care for him but u can't do it without help. Also, you need time to yourself. Tell him he needs to consider ur needs to.
You mention that your husband had a stroke and, at 89, that can drastically alter his mental status. At the same time, you need time for yourself. You will need to train him into accepting having other people around the house to help you. The help is for you: "Hubby dearest, I need help around the house". Start hiring in-home help and inviting your sister over to make her more of a presence. After a few days, start leaving for short periods of time.
You also may want to talk with his doctor about antianxiety medication. The doctor will start with a very low dose that may be just enough to take the edge off. Remember that medication is not necessarily permanent.
You are his safety line, safety net. He knows that you will help him, he knows that you know his limitations. He knows YOU. Others he may not be sure of at any given time. Why not have your sister come over for lunch and when she gets there and you get lunch on the table say that you have to run out for mayo or sugar or fake a call from a neighbor that needs you to help with something. Tell Hubby you will be right back. Stay away for 15 minutes or so, 20 if you can. Come back and resume lunch. Do this a few times, not always at lunch but just have your sister come over for coffee and go out for a bit. He will learn that you will come back. You are not leaving him. This is much like a toddler being left at Preschool for the first time. All I can say is...Patience.
Please let us know how you are doing.
If nothing else you can come here and vent to release some pressure until you get help.
It is not up for discussion at all but you have several options so he can help pick which would be the least disagreeable to him - then give him 3 or 4 choices to pick from - let him know he is to co-operate otherwise you will have to add more from the list
Let him know you still love him & care for him but that you are getting older too - this help is really for you to be able to stay strong & healthy so that you can be there for him as much as you are able however you are human not superwoman so you need help to provide the best care for him
If he whines too much about this then ask him where he will be when you get sick & are in hospital - he most likely still sees you in his mind's eye as a young active person [about 40 years ago] so may not realize how much you need a break sometimes
Next time the caregiver comes say something like, ‘Honey, you remember this lovely woman who came to help out. She is going to be coming on a regular basis so I can get out for awhile. See you soon! Bye for now’.
Then calmly walk out of the door and don’t look back. You deserve it! You are equally important to him and you already know that or you wouldn’t have inquired on this site.
Best wishes to you. Take care. Hugs!
Obviously, you love him, and have clearly done your best, and are worn out. Be good to yourself, or he will drag you right down with him. And then, you will be of no use to anybody.
Lots of good strategies here to get him to buy in. Helping him understand as a demented person is really difficult, but you need to do this or you will wear out before he does!
I had a session with my husband where I cried and got mad at him and showed what it was doing to me. It was ugly. Hubby is very, very stubborn. His brother was well aware of that.
After my melt down-in front of my husband-things got better. I had to repeat often how I needed him to let other people help him. If I burned out, he's be on his way to a nursing home.
All in all things eventually worked out. It is almost 14 years later and just last year he wwent to a nursing home. Yes, that was a struggle , too. Now I am living alone in a nearby condo. I have applied for Medicaid to help pay for the nursing home.
You have my sympathy. Please keep us informed of your progress. Christine
Get the help there with him and slip out the door if needed.
Ideally it's best to have the person helping be there with you and share the help i.e. help change clothes both of you at same time. Eventually you step back as other person steps up. However this can take time. Days if not months.
Start out slow (15 minutes) with length of time your gone. Increase by 15 minutes each time.
This worked for me with Dad at memory care home. Hopefully it will for all of you.
It just takes time and easing in to.
Hugs.
Prior to this using insurance get a therapist for him. You and family members say that in order for you to stay home for your care there are times help must come in because your wife has times she must go out on errands, her Dr visits to be with friends, attend support meetins and if he cannot deal with this a Sr Home may have to be considered because you no longer have the strength to do what u are doing and you love him VERY much and want him to be home with you!
As a husband, he has responsibilities to his wife. He must accept the fact he must do his part. He has no choice but to accept in-home help, and it's not a matter of his WANTS, it's a matter of your NEEDS. Needs outweigh wants.
Frankly, there may come a day when you fall ill, or collapse, or worse. Then what would he do?
He's had a stroke, can he process facts? If so, put it to him how HE will carry out his responsibilities to you, concerning help around the house and with his care. Make him come up with the answers. An answer of "only you" is not acceptable.
Hugs and best wishes to you both.
You can tell him that statistics show that 40% of caregivers die before the person that they are caring for and you refuse to become part of that statistic. Put your foot down and give him the ugly truth, if you die or become incapacitated he will be in a nursing home and you won't be able to ensure that he is being cared for. He isn't the only one that matters in this marriage. He mans up and does what he can to take care of his wife and right now that means going with your sister or staying at home with someone besides you.
Hugs, you do matter, don't let his stubbornness cause you to make yourself sick or worse. Sometimes we just have to get tough.
He has Dementia and a fall risk, he has been ill for over 10 years. It has been "Hell" since the end of Jan. in and out of the hospital. We are now in the last stages.
If I were you, I would bring in aids. He may not like it at first, but you need to take care of you or you will not be able to care for him.
He can go with your sister or have home care come in or go to a senior day center or you could arrange a couple of weeks respite at a assisted living community...there are lots of options. It is you who are not insisting that he choose one.
If it seems impossible to stand your ground, make up a little white lie (you pulled a back muscle, perhaps). Think of yourself as unable (not unwilling) to care for him. Because, if you don’t get regular breaks, you may find yourself unable to care for him. Protect your health; physical and emotional.
Is the home care to help him or you? It's our house too and if you need their help then just let him gripe and have it anyway. Warn him if he doesn't let you have a break you are going to start taking him to adult day care. (You might want to call it something else). He might even find he enjoys it.
Let us know how it's going.
If you are in your 80s too, your husband needs to realize you need time to yourself. That you cannot take care of him physically. The stroke may have effected his reasoning or he is just stubborn. Sit down and tell him you can't do it all. If he won't except help, you may need to put him in LTC facility because his care effects your health too. What does he thinks will happen if u can't care for him. You want to care for him but u can't do it without help. Also, you need time to yourself. Tell him he needs to consider ur needs to.
You also may want to talk with his doctor about antianxiety medication. The doctor will start with a very low dose that may be just enough to take the edge off. Remember that medication is not necessarily permanent.
He knows that you will help him, he knows that you know his limitations.
He knows YOU. Others he may not be sure of at any given time.
Why not have your sister come over for lunch and when she gets there and you get lunch on the table say that you have to run out for mayo or sugar or fake a call from a neighbor that needs you to help with something. Tell Hubby you will be right back. Stay away for 15 minutes or so, 20 if you can. Come back and resume lunch.
Do this a few times, not always at lunch but just have your sister come over for coffee and go out for a bit.
He will learn that you will come back.
You are not leaving him.
This is much like a toddler being left at Preschool for the first time.
All I can say is...Patience.