In 2013 my husband had major heart surgery where they removed the sac around his heart. He spent six weeks in bed. They tried & tried to give him PT but he refused. Now he’s just a lump that sits all day & makes demands of me. Because of a cane, he has now destroyed his shoulders & it’s to late for surgery.

After talking in length to my stepson I found this is not new for my husband. He’s been acting like this for 50 years! Every time he’d get injured or sick he played the “poor me” card & milked it as long as he could!

I have to do EVERYTHING & he is continually pulling me away from what I’m doing to refill his coke or get him something from the kitchen.

I have disabilities of my own (my back is completely destroyed & you can actually hear my bones crack) & I’m not a young woman anymore. I’m full of resentment & bitterness that I just can’t get under control.

I don’t have any friends, haven’t been to church in 18 months, don’t have time to pray or read my Bible, and my family all live a very long way away & don’t have time to listen to me! And I really don’t care to talk to them & just complain.

I’m one hot mess!!!

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Dear Granny, thank you for replying to my yesterday’s post. I understand that you are in this marriage for life, but please don’t despise the comments about finances. Too many women have too few choices about quite trivial things, because they have no financial independence. Being able to get out for a while is both a trivial thing but also quite important in retaining your sanity and the staying power in your marriage. On your first trip out, get yourself a set of clothes that you feel are good enough for church, including trousers and flat shoes. You will feel happier, and you will be quite confident that God will be happy to see you in church. Giving yourself a bit more power in your life will also help you to be sensible about what is in the best interests of you, your husband and your marriage. Finding a church where other Christians will be welcoming will help, even though you know that God welcomes you however you are dressed.

Your stepson not only said that Mike has behaved badly before, he also indicates that Mike got over it each time. Surely it was different when you first got together. You need to provide the circumstances that mean he will get over it again now. Your commitment to the marriage may include 'tough love', not just being a doormat. You don’t want to get to the point where you can’t take it any more – it will break your heart to ‘fail’. Yours with love, Margaret
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Zdarov Sep 2019
I can’t Like the reply twice, so here. 💐
Do I dare say long as you jump for your husband, he has no incentive to do for himself! As humans we will find an easy way out (letting others do for us) not true for everyone, but seems to be true for your husband! Sometimes we love people so much that we just do to much for them and in doing so we give them a free pass to stay the way they are. You need to give him tough love.

I too have a hard time finding my balance with all my responsibility at home and finding time for God! But I know if I don't make time for Him I suffer & things get to me much easier. I find praying at night when everyone is a sleep works best for me right now; I would love to do prayer in the morning but just don't have the time. Another thing I do is bible study online and I also have found some great sermons online to just help me get God's word in me. And one of my favorite things to do as though I haven't done it as much, but am starting it back up is talk to Him throughout the day. Thank Him when something good happens even if it is some thing little; example that you were able make a good meal or got a great parking space; thank Him for His favor over your life ( even when it doesn't feel that way). The little things do count!

You can change who calls the shots. Yes it will be hard and difficult, but ask God for help. And always take time for you tell your husband you will be unavailable for the next 15 mins then once you got that under your belt go for either more time or more breaks. There is a lot of short sermons from 15 mins, 30 mins to a few hrs on YouTube! Just food for thought, but try to get back to church!

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Shell, you seem to have a greater understanding of me. Perhaps you’ve experienced my situation.
My story goes deeper & you’re right, I do need to be back in church. But going back to my old church isn’t going to happen!
Almost 18 mo. ago I got the phone call my eldest sister who had raised me from birth had gone home to the Lord. I called my pastor not knowing where else to turn for help. I had to travel 2800 mi to help my “adopted” siblings & I just needed to be there! But who was going to take care of Mike? My pastor told me he would find someone to help. The next day I flew out.
After everything was said & done & I got back home I found out nobody came to help. And my pastor called him once in a two week period! If you remember the story in 1 Sam. about Abigail & Nabel? God called Nabel a difficult man! Well, that’s Mike!! He’s a very difficult, self centered, narcissist who blames everyone & everything for his problems. I have asked him curtly on many occasions over the years if I should call him Jesus? Anyway, I can’t blame anyone for not wanting to be around him, but for crying out loud, this was 1) an emergency & 2) a great witnessing opportunity to a cranky old unsaved invalid! Nobody from “my” church even called to see how I was doing or if I even got back home safely. No, not that church.
But there is another church in my area. I went there years ago & have been invited back. And boy, do I ever need to go! I feel myself getting lukewarm. I just haven’t gone because when I was raised up you dressed up to go to church. No jeans & teeshirts!! Dresses, heels, every hair in place, etc.
I tripped & fell almost 3 mo. ago & seriously hurt my leg. I’ve been seeing my dr. every week or two since just to keep an eye on it. I can’t wear stockings or heels & am ashamed to wear a dress with my leg bandaged like a battle wound. This is shameful pride, I know. God doesn’t care what I look like because He looks at my heart & not my body. I need to prayerfully rebuke “Sunday Best” & just go!
And after careful contemplation I have realized the reason I’m resentful is because Mike just gave up! I’m from a family of fighters. My dad at age 70 worked a full day the night he passed. I wobble like a drunk sailor & need something for stability, but I refuse to give in. I don’t want anything slowing me down & I don’t feel I need it anyway. You can’t have the disabled person & the caregiver both down or struggling!
In my eyes he’s no longer a man, he’s an infant! I raised my kids, why was I given another one? I see men his age & older out walking, riding a bike, shopping with their wives, going to the movies, or other activities. And here I am with this TV zombie who refuses to move more than 2 steps to urinate. Yes, I have a urinal on my telephone table. Isn’t that lovely decor?
We have a friend who is 73-74 who has had 12 heart surgeries & still restores cars!! He is as fine as any adult male! Even he’s tried to get Mike up & going, (over the phone) but Mike always has an excuse. He doesn’t feel good, this hurts, that hurts, he didn’t sleep good, there’s a movie coming on he’s been waiting for.... The only time this man leaves his chair is to go to bed or a drs appt, And of course, if you don’t use it, you lose it, so his muscles are atrophied.
He needs hearing aids but refuses to get them because he doesn’t want “those things” stuck in his ears! Therefore the volume is turned so high I’m losing my hearing! We have a 2 story house & I go to bed hours before him & can still hear the TV in my room at the opposite end of the house!
But too, I believe part of my problem is I don’t have my mom (sister) any longer. Since she passed I have just been disconnected. Something inside of me snapped when she passed. I feel completely cut off from God! My prayer muscles also are atrophied & the last thing I want to do is read Gods Word! And this makes me very nervous. I don’t want to be spat out!! I don’t want to be separated from Him for eternity.
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As long as when he says "Jump", you holler "How High", "How High" nothing will change.

To me, it is time to change your behavior, until you do this, nothing will improve.

I understand that you signed up for this marriage, for life, that however IMO does not mean that you have to kill yourself trying to care for him. He is a self centered bully.

Going into AL may be the answer, and possibly should be considered. If your health continues to decline, you will be unable to care for him, and then it will become an emergency, why not plan ahead?

I wish you the best.
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Being a Christian means you're not human? Cuz that's what it sounds like you're saying, and what you seem to be expecting of yourself in a very difficult situation. For better or worse doesn't mean For Worse 24/7 When Hubby Is Capable Of Doing For Himself. If you are choosing to jump when he says jump, and asking him How High, then you should reevaluate why. Are you a servant? Did you marry him to become a slave to his every whim? Marriage is a 2 way street and you should be treated as half of a team. THAT is the "Christian" thing to do. Allowing yourself to be mistreated for ANY reason is flat out wrong, and your bitterness and resentment will continue to grow until you figure out a manageable living arrangent where BOTH of you can flourish. Your ailments are just as painful as his, yet you are the one ignoring your pain in favor of his.

Your husband needs to grow up, stop the nonsense, and start treating you like his beloved wife. You need to stop treating your husband like a willful child and stand up for yourself and your own needs. What if you het hospitalized or die? What then? It's time to make some changes for both of your sakes! Good luck
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Zdarov Sep 2019
Love this. kickin, you COUNT and you’re not here to suffer in order to be loved and accepted. I’m so happy you mentioned counseling, get someone in your court. You deserve it.
Good evening, Kickingranny,

So you say you’re “a hot mess” and that you are worried that you are displaying unChristlike feelings toward your husband. I think you have forgotten that you are flesh. This side of heaven Christians face the same joys and sorrows that everyone faces. You are understandably exhausted and fearful, but what we have been given is a “refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” Psalm 46:1-2. IF we avail ourselves of it! Jesus taught us to pray, “Give us this day our daily Bread” Matthew 6:11. He wasn’t just referring to food, but spiritual sustenance as well. Daily, we are to ask for help, for wisdom, for strength. If you aren’t doing this, your well has run dry and you are trying to get through the travails of life on your own power.

As a person who has been born again of the Spirit, you are part of the Body of Christ 1 Corinthians 12:12-27. Last night, I told you I would pray for you. My thought was that “part of the body of Christ is in distress”. You have allowed the cares of this world to separate you from the power and strength to be found in prayer, and reading the Bible, and community with other parts of the Body of Christ (the church). You are not alone in this. We may be born-again Christians, but we are still flesh. This is what happens to us when we stray too far from the flock. And now you are feeling as if you will lose your salvation. This is a lie! Do not believe it! Jesus said, ..... and the one who comes to Me, I will never cast out”. John 6:37. “Put on the full armor of God, (the Word), that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil”. Ephesians 6:11.

From your profile and from your post and updates, I see that there is bitterness and resentment toward more than just your husband, including the pastor of your last church.
You have been given some excellent practical advice. Here is mine:

Take a small step. Pray - even if all you can manage is “God, help me!”.

Follow the advice of one poster. Set a timer for you. Your time, to read, exercise, pray, do your crafts, etc. Tell your husband you will not be disturbed unless it is an emergency.

Call the Area Agency on Aging to see what services are available to help your husband .....and you! We found four hours a week of free respite.

Think about how you are enabling your husband to be totally dependent on you and how you can take steps to change that. It is unhealthy for him as well as you.
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Listen, get him into a nursing home for rehab and after he’s in, tell him when he can do things on his own he can come home...he will have 24 hr care and can drive them crazy ... you deserve to take time and care of yourself.... he will never be able to do for himself and it will be medically documented and he will not not go home and if they say he can just say no, you cannot do it or afford caregivers... life is not easy and hard decisions must be made by dad had dementia and I cared for him.... it almost killed me... and when I suggested 24 hr care that he needed...he told me he would kill me if I caused him a about a nightmare...well, in the middle of the nite he fell and needed ER and once there for a couple days I told them to fill out papers for transit to nursing facility..I would not be able to take him painful as it was, it was the only solution that could be made...I suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome and had nitemares for several weeks...
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sassyisie Sep 2019
That is a great answer - a nursing home for rehab!
They are trained to care for him- don’t get burned out!
You can visit him when you want & he will eventually settle in!You have to take care of you or both of you will be in a nursing home!Stand your ground & tell them you just can not take care of him !!
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Dear Granny, it’s good that you wrote it all out to us. It should help you to look at it from outside the situation. You DON’T have to do everything. He can say ‘jump’, but you don’t have to obey. According to your step-son, he will ‘milk this as long as he can’. That means it has to be you that calls a stop to it – otherwise he will just keep milking you dry.

You need to think about your finances. In the short term you need enough money to get yourself out of the house, by taxi if necessary, to go to church and anywhere else that will give you a life back. In the longer term you may end up looking at a separation. So do some financial planning before the excreta hits the fan. The next step is to arrange the house so that he is actually capable of finding food, water and the toilet, even if he has to crawl. Then you need to get out regularly and let him find out that he is the only one that is going to get him another coke (and if he’s getting to be fat as well as a lump, cut out the coke).

Face the fact that you are not going to persuade him to behave better. It will only happen if it becomes in his best interests to get off his butt, because otherwise he will go hungry. Take courage!
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Thank you Margaret. Separation is not an option for me. I took him for better or worse & I do know God hates divorce and separation.
If he didn’t have me, he’d have to go to a nursing home & I don’t by any means want that!
I do appreciate your comments though, thank you.
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You say "my stepson" so this second marriage for him? How long were you married? Did you have good quality years together in which you enjoyed a lot of time together? Do you share things that you enjoy. I am an atheist, but it is clear that your religion is very near and dear and precious to you; do you share a faith? Asking because I am wondering if there were strong bonds between the two of you that are now gone.
You have not set any clear boundaries for him, and that is on YOU. If you are willling to put away your reading, your bible to run get him a coke you are training him how to treat you. Worse, you are not forcing him to use some of the abilities he still has physically, and he will lose more and more mobility.
Have you sat and talked to him about how you feel? About your own aches and pains, your inability to have joy of life now with him, and your feelings in general, as well as your worries about him, his losing mobility, and etc.
I would tell him that you honestly are not willing to be his servant until death while he slowly loses ability and mobility. That you two will have to live separate lives going forward if he cannot bring himself to put some effort and love into living together. I don't think that is unreasonable. Your faith would tell you that the Lord helps those who help themselves.
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. But remember, there are some things that you CAN change here. The serenity prayer is lovely for helping one to see. You will have to form a plan of action for yourself or for yourself and him together, or you will end being simply a victim to the fates. Good luck. Hoping you find some answers and you share them with us if you do.
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My thoughts are God gave you a brain and free will. You must not continue to be taken advantage of. I think people take advantage of good Christian people. I feel so sorry for you. Can you find a therapist to talk to? You are being victimized. My thoughts and bless you. Stay strong.
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I pray throughout the day. Sometimes even out loud. No one notices and if they did who cares.

Just pray and pray and pray some more. God already knows and you don't even have to explain it to him. Its understood. Just talk to him like you are talking to us.
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Riht on Gershun! 🐱😳
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