I want to go away for a couple days but he makes me feel guilty. He spends a lot of time in bed I feel guilty that I’m not doing more to help him and at the same time I resent him stealing my happiness. He is so mad at me and I don’t feel I deserve his treatment. I feel he is going to eventually make me very sick from stress.

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Do not ASK him for time away.  Have a plan or schedule, and calmly tell him, then ignore reaction.  Can you get someone to be with him? If you do a regular schedule for yourself, put it on refrigerator... things like groceries, haircut, appointment, a walking exercise.
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Pamela8 Aug 2019
Thank you. He is still able to take care of himself for the most part can drive still etc. Takes out his anger on me says awful things and acts crazy when I don’t do what he wants. I’m scared of him when he “goes off”. But he’s always been like that. I feel so trapped because I am responsible for him and he keeps threatening to leave and takes off in his car. I don’t know how much more I can take. I am walking on eggshells.
I'm no expert but I believe that behavior is called "shadowing". I've read in other postings that one way that might combat it is to make sure he has enough other activities that interest him. My aunt lost interest in tv and movies because she couldn't follow them any longer, but she was transfixed by goofy cat videos on YouTube and browsing a Cat Fancier magazine (the same one over and over). Wishing you peace and rest.
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Unfortunately with dementia YOU become his constant.
He can trust you because YOU are there for him.
He relies on you because YOU are there for him.
He can relax with you because YOU understand him.
He knows your face, your voice he knows YOU. He may not know anyone else but he knows YOU and you are safe.
This is not something that he does on purpose it is like this because his brain focuses on what he is sure of. With a "broken brain" all he can be sure of is YOU.
You should not leave him alone.
If you go away you have a few options.
Have someone that he knows come tot he house and be there while you are gone.
Place him in Respite while you are gone. Many Memory Care facilities will take someone for a week or two for respite. I guess the hope is if you need or want full time placement at some point you will select that facility since you know them and your husband knows them.
And if you are gone for a week he may decline but he may do just fine when he returns home. He will most likely dislike it. It will take him out of his comfort zone to go to a facility. But he will be out of his comfort zone if you have someone come in and stay with him.
But EVERYONE on this site will tell you that you HAVE to get away. You need a break to be a better caregiver.
Plan your trip. Have a good time and DO NOT feel guilty!!!!
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You seem logically to understand that you do not deserve this treatment.
You seem logically to understand that your husband is ill and his illness causes inappropriate behaviors.
If you become sick, then that is on you, as these are your decisions to make, and you fully understand the decisions you should be making for your own health. He is not to blame. He is ill and he is not in control of his reactions. You are well and you know the truth.
I have a very difficult time with all the "guilt" I hear expressed on the forum every day by people who are in some cases laying themselves down as doormats for their entire bullying families, and in other cases choosing to believe that the judgment of other people, and of their ill loved ones is more important than their basic needs in order to survive. In some cases these people have been treated very badly by a loved one in the past, and their self esteem was already in ruins; they live their lives hoping to hear the words always spoken to a martyr: "Oh. You are so good". Those words are seldom heard.
I think perhaps you should think of seeing a counselor or licensed social worker who specializes in life changes and helping us comb out a way to live with and through them. I wish you much luck. I am not here to tell you that you deserve some life; you have already lost a husband in some senses though he is right there. I cannot convince you that you are worthy of care if you do not believe it on some level yourself. Please get help; you are WORTH IT.
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