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I just need to get this off my chest.


Last year I was able to get back to full time work. Thanks to my dad stabilizing and a full time house aide. Everything was going great.


So my dad’s wife goes to China and was supposed to be back mid March. In February, the house aide abandons my dad, citing fears of getting covid-19 and deciding to not step out of her house.


Now, unexpectedly, it has been back on me to give full care to my dad and try to keep my job. On top of the medical appointments and care I have always provided him, now I also keep his house clean, cook him meals, get his groceries, run errands, fix things in his house, and so on. A lot of things I don’t even do regularly for myself (like cooking...). His diet is so particular and it is hard to find foods he can (or will) eat. Which aren’t things I like to eat. My freezer is full of stuff for him because he refuses to let me clean out his freezer full of stuff his wife likes but he doesn’t (like ice cream, huge bags of tortillas?!). I get woken up at all hours of the night. He calls me in the middle of meetings and work I can’t break away from.


So I tell myself I can do this. His wife will be back soon. But, for whatever reason, she can’t manage to get a flight back home. It gets pushed out to April, then May, then October, and then a ticket refund.


He does not realize how much time I spend taking care of his needs that I neglect my own. He does not handle being alone well. He has started making up things for me to look at or fix, and asking me questions whenever I try to leave. When I am cleaning, he insists on being where I am, making it difficult for me to work around him. He gets upset that I don’t just sit and chat with him.


I have zero time for myself. I have no life. My house is a wreck. I am stressed and frustrated beyond belief and I can’t see an upturn to this, much less an end. He is high risk. I am also considered high risk. Do I dare risk exposure trying to find him another house aide? And knowing how picky he is, it will be hard to find one he will let in his house. He is so stubborn and gets so upset if he doesn’t get his way that it’s not worth fighting with him.

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His wife is not coming back.
Either find home help or get him into an ALF.
You can't go on like this for too long.
In the meantime, don't go over to see him everyday. Block his number on your phone, so he can't ring you at work. Make it VERY clear to him that he can't live independently.

Put yourself first.
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It is not your responsibility to take care of your father. Accepting this is step no. 1 to taking back your life.
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amoeba Apr 2020
Not the responsibility to actually do the care, I hope is what you meant. But old people have various hearing, mental, and physical infirmities, that prevent them from seeking their own care. And sometimes not enough money. This is where family (and social workers) can assist...with finding a suitable caregiver (or other living situation). Aged cannot do it all by themselves.
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After reading your post and other responses, the simple answer to your question (do you risk exposure trying to find him another house aide?) is "yes." So go advertise and hire someone.

It doesn't matter what the former aide did; you can't do the care...all of the things you mention, quirks about getting up alot at night, what's in the freezer, hanging around you while cleaning, shopping and errands, chit chat, all that and more is the work description of a caregiver. There are, even today right now - including in high risk areas like New York state, caregivers in need of hours in private homes, agency and non-agency...you just have to find them and pick one, or two (they often consist of several caregivers in the same family, sisters, daughter/mother, and the like). A caregiver is ideally a person who likes to give care to old people, and that is not necessarily a family member or fault that a family member who isn't a caregiver by trade, doesn't like to do it, so don't feel guilty. It is true that this will slightly increase exposure to the virus by one more person. Advertise at the usual website(s) (I'm not sure if I can mention them) and you will get responses.

You will expose your dad to 1 more person who could pass on the virus asymptomatically.
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Tell yourself that you CAN'T do this. Please speak with his town's elder case worker and social worker.
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Don't be mad at the first caretaker. She didn't abandon, she took precautions for her own health. I mean, was she going home each day to her own family? Perhaps she has underlying health issues that have been identified as problematic like blood pressure and diabetes.

Call a home health company if you cannot do this. They have trained people who are still going in to homes and handling chores. It may cost more than you paid to an independent person, but it will fill the hole. And, apparently it is worth the fight with him because you are saying you cannot do this.
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Your profiles says that your father has dementia. This is likely why he's been so demanding, forgetting things, and very challenging to care for. I would suspect that he does need hands on care immediately, based on the situation you describe. It's likely that any aid that you get to come into help is going to be challenged as well. I'd ensure that the aid is able to manage the care of someone with dementia, plus household duties. Plus, I'd be prepared for them to tell you that he needs around the clock care. Even with Covid-19, I might explore other options, if he can't live with you and have around the clock care, which is not possible for you to do, since you work. I know this must be very stressful. I hope you can find some answers.

I might consider the reasons for the wife not returning and the aid leaving. It's often very difficult to manage the care of a person with dementia for many reasons. They can be very demanding, insistent, accusatory, pace, have sleep disorders, have delusions, etc.
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Seems like his wife abandoned him. Every American who has wanted to has returned (or can) return to the US. Apparently she couldn't handle it, either.

In any case, depending on where you are, the possible danger of bringing in a new worker may differ. If you are still in meetings, you are not in an area with full shut-down. I would talk to agencies and ask about what they are doing to screen caregivers. You need to preserve your sanity.
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I don’t know where you live, but I am in the suburbs of NYC. There are no home health aides to be found with the pandemic. In my mother’s assisted living where she is on the dementia floor, they are functioning with a skeletal staff due to aides quitting or having to quarantine. They are having a very hard time even hiring long term per diems from outside agencies. And if your father’s Wife is in China, she will not be allowed back into the country anytime soon. My suggestion to you is to reach out to the local community and see if there are some individuals who do this on their own. In my town, there is a group of ladies who call themselves the Irish Brigade and they do home care. Best of luck.
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Perhaps you could try listing all the possible scenarios that you can think of good, bad, acceptable and worst imaginable? You may have to choose one that isn't what you want but it will work. This isn't forever, but it could be long than you plan. Do as you would hope someone would do for you.
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Does your father qualify for hospice care? If so, they can set up aides if you wish.

I would not count on the wife returning. Get access to your father's bank account and make arrangements to get groceries for him and clean out the fridge and freezer and don't give it a second thought if his wife has to replace items when and if she returns. That way your father will have food he likes and will eat.

If your father has the funds, I am sure you can find another aide through an agency. Perhaps they have screening right now for employees too. Just a thought.
Can you get a live in right now for your father? If so, that person can stay home with him and the risk is lower. They can do home care for him and housekeeping.

You might turn off your cell when your are in meetings so you can work in peace.
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I am a home health aide. Been doing this for more than 25+ years. Your aide may not have abandoned you. This type of work is very stressful at times. People expect us to clean the whole house, do all the cooking, grocery shopping and sometimes take care of 2 people... a couple. And we make maybe $9.50/hour. Also... your aide felt compelled to leave simply because of the virus and her being responsible and around others at home? In that respect, I don't blame her. So... what should you do? I would get at least 3 aides to come in to help with your dad at the start for several reasons---maybe one of them your dad will really like and you could have them take over more hours? Possibly from the other 2? Also... if one decided to quit, you still have 2 and they might be able to pick up those hours the other one had? I would ALWAYS try to have at least 3 aides working for your dad...that way, one calls in, you have at least 2 to ask to come in. If and when it gets down to 2... call the agency and ask for another one. I don't know how many hours you are asking BUT... if it is a LOT....you might even try with 4 caregivers. And then weed out the ones that don't do the work.... your dad does not get along with.... etc. I have been the ONLY aide hired by the family and I tell ya... they expect me to be on call 24/7 when they schedule me regularly for ONLY 4 hours a week. When they call with really no notice, they expect me to come right over. I can't live on 4 hours per week. I had other people I was taking care of at the time and they expected me to drop that client and come over and take care of the loved one. No.. I will not do that. And people also cancel us caregivers all the time. I had 75% of my shifts cancelled in one month by this ONE family. I had less than 2 hours notice each time. 75% of my income was gone for that month. Please think of the caregivers too, folks. This is how we pay our bills.. or not. We have no security in this type of work. No vacation, no PTO... no raises. No benefits. We are abused by family members and the patient. I have been hit, threatened..run into by motorized chairs. Hours change all the time because people seem to think we are getting paid rather or not we work? I don't know. So.. I hope this helps you. Just don't treat your caregivers like they are garbage. OK? There are really good ones out there who care... who are compassionate... kind and loving. They love what they are doing. Hope you find these types. GOD bless and hugs.
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LNReason Apr 2020
If you lived close to us I would love to have you help us when the time comes. It truly is a calling to help others. Thank you for bringing it to all our attention what is the caregivers ups and downs. Bless you.
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It appears your father interprets "love" as quality time with others. He is not getting that when he is alone, so he "bothers" you to get his love needs met. Unfortunately, his interruptions are causing problems in your life. Get help to do the cleaning, the cooking, keep him socialized/busy - the parts of care that are needed and that you don't have as much time for. Please contact a home health care agency and hire caregivers (yes, plural) to fill in the gap while his wife is absent. Then, you can spend your nonwork time showing dad love - talking with him - and not doing errands or chores.
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If you are high risk, then you must take care of yourself. Your father is manipulating you, and his no-good wife has abandoned him to her family in China, correct?

Hire him an aide. I hope it's his money you used/will be using for that?
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I know this has nothing to do with your question but why would the wife go to China in the middle of the epidemic over there? Something doesn’t make sense here. And she can’t get any flight back when lots of Americans who were over there got out of China??? Something isn’t kosher. Is she also Chinese and living with family there?

ok...I realize that was digressing but you do not have to turn your life upside down for your dad. Look at it like this, should you get sick and have to be quarantined or hospitalized, who will do all this for him? Also, why are you answering your phone during a meeting? Let it go to voicemail and put phone on silent mode. You have choices but you are behaving as though you don’t. You go over once a week, period. Call him at night if you feel you must. Send groceries by delivery and either stock up on meals he can reheat or something similar. Houses will survive with dust.
hire a caregiver if that is at all possible. You really have to set some boundaries if you wish to keep your sanity. You don’t need to give him reasons and don’t feel guilty. Just state facts and take control rather than him being in control. Also don’t ever expect a thank you...won’t happen. I’m sorry you are going through this during this very stressful time
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worriedinCali Apr 2020
Everyone needs to stop assuming this about the wife. The OP actually never said the wife went to China in the middle of a pandemic. She went in January before s&\+ hit the fan. And she’s probably unable to get a flight home because of the travel restrictions put in place.
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It's another job to manage home care workers and their needs as well. I'm sorry you feel abandoned by aide and are abandoned by the wife. Hang in there and continue to find alternatives for your dad's care.

Draw boundaries because you should be taking care of yourself first.
Don't answer the phone in the evening and get your rest. You have to function from a good place.

The other tasks can be outsourced like meals on wheels or other meal delivery services. With this corona virus, there are neighborhood volunteers that have done 80% of the shopping and errands, and I discovered home delivery a few months ago by necessity when there was no one to help when I got ill.

Not sure what to say about the wife m.i.a. She is the wife, and should be the one responsible for taking care of her husband, your father. Is she communicating from a distance? Have you considered placing him in assisted living until she returns?
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I would call an agency and start looking for another aid.   After the covaid crises is over, you can look for other options.  I think one aid is the lowest risk option at all.   And if wife does come back (I think unlikely), she will be likely of higher risk that an aid.  Have you locked down his bank accounts?
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It sounds like his wife isn’t coming back at all. She had to have known the risk when she left.
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Mel2159 Apr 2020
She went to China in January before the quarantine happened.
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I don’t agree that the aide abandoned your dad. Unfortunately many employees had to weigh the risks here and decide if risk of continuing to work outweighed the benefits. And as a matter of fact, many people have have stopped having their aides come because of the risk is poses to the person who needs care. You do realize that every day an aide comes, your dad is at risk? The aide likely has other family members in the home who are either still working, still leaving the house or simply refusing to social distance?
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Mel2159 Apr 2020
No. She lives alone. Her son is in Iraq and her daughter is also stuck in China
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If Dad is so needy why did wife leave him. The Virus was already in China in Feb.

Try and hire someone. Tell Dad you can't work keep up ur house and his too.
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Sorry this happened. I guess you can understand why the wife is MIA. Your Dad is a PIA, and the overseas trip came at a convenient time for her. Yes, I think you should try to find someone who will agree to tolerate your Dad. I would make sure the offer is a nice price, and that your Dad is reminded to behave himself. You have a life to live, and cannot be his 24/7 nursemaid indefinitely. Stop making yourself so available.
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Dad needs the help and You need this help right away before total burnout.  Yes, hire someone else who will be careful with all safety.  Even if you use an agency, check the person/s out as you may need to hire different ones for his different needs.  Others here will be more experienced to advise you on checking out outside caregivers (you may want to post separately for that).

Your dad may not get all his wishes fulfilled, but the main things are his safety, well being and Yours.
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My dad has a helper who is still coming daily. They both understand the risks and are being careful. For him it’s safer to have the help and socialization the helper brings than to go without. And the helper wants to be useful and needed, and honestly needs to make money. The helper also gets me dad to cooperate on household matters that he’d argue with us about, you might find the same thing. My dad isn’t so worried about getting the virus, he realizes his mortality and in some ways would welcome a way out. There are many people in need of work now, if you decide to hire, I’d guess you’ll find someone pretty easily
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