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Hi All,
My mom is currently living at her townhome with Visiting Angels coming in for four hours every day. I go by on Saturdays to see her and make sure she has food, clean, etc. She is able to dress herself and toilet without issues. She has dementia and cannot remember things except things that happen in the past. Before Covid-19 we were looking at Assisted Living places, we had looked at couple of places and then Covid started and facilities were locked down. I put the move on hold for now. My mom watches a lot of TV about the virus and seems to think that she gets it every day. Although the Visiting Angels resource will take her temperature and check her symptoms and all is fine. She seems to be very angry at me that I am not there with her every day (she thinks of me as a small child). I have a full time job and a family and I am feeling very torn about leaving her in her house with all that is going on. We have a strained relationship and I feel if I bring her into my home, that we will just argue and our relationship will be worse. I cannot get her into an Assisted Living place at this time as they are not accepting new people. I don't know what to do. Do I bring her here and suffer through it until facilities open back up? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!

Leave her where she is. This is only temporary. She can be angry all she wants and unfortunately she will still be angry in your home. Moving her isn’t a “magic pill”.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to worriedinCali
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Could you please stop going by on Saturdays? Nobody, including you, should cross your mother's threshold unless they have a good enough reason for being there.

Food deliveries and storage, household cleaning and health care support are good enough reasons if she's unable to manage these unassisted or without prompting. But that's what the Visiting Angels are for. You shouldn't be going at all.

Remember: this is not forever. It is an incredibly difficult time, it is bound to be a challenge explaining to your mother why you are staying away, but she will come to no lasting harm and it is the right thing to do. For HER welfare.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Anger is part of the desease. Keep things the way they are. Not sure with the newer TVs, but the old ones you could pick the channels you wanted to watch. Like a child saftey thing. Pick channels that show all the old shows like Cozi and MeTV. Delete the ones that seem to have news all the time, like Fox.

I realize that we r in a Pandemic but like everything else, the news has to overdue it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Thank you all for your input and suggestions. I have decided to leave her where she is for now. We do have security cameras on the outside doors so I can see her if she were to wander. She doesn't want to leave the house for anything really these days. Eliminating the news channels is a great idea. My mom and I have had a very tumultuous relationship all my life. Bringing her here would not be good for her or me. I will leave this in God's hands for now. When the Covid is over I will get her into a place where I will not have to worry as much if this sort of thing happens again. Happy Easter to all!
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Reply to hipstercat
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I can guarantee you will be sorry if you take her home with you, even "temporarily". Somehow elders with memory issues, and other problems often take over the house and everything becomes all about them. Then comes other problems; resentment from the family members, overwork on you - all kinds of stuff. Please have her wait it out in her own home if at all possible until the room at the AL or MC becomes available.
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Reply to mally1
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I agree with all the previous comments, stop visiting her Saturdays. The visiting angels are enough.
DON'T move her in with you. You will regret it, you will be worn out and she will guilt you into letting her stay instead of facility. DON'T do it. Elderly know how to use guilt big time. She has food she has people checking on her. Her memory will decline but the manipulation and guilt will get worse.
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Reply to Artsilveraqua
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Definitely do not move her into your home.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Have you looked into any of the methods for visiting with her (and checking up on her) virtually? We have 3 Echos now at my moms, (different versions and only use the video on 2) that allow us to be in contact with her visually throughout the day without her having to even answer a call and she often forgets we aren’t actually in the house and room with her. Nice for all of us. It might be a way to milk out the time your mom has in her townhouse until some of this Corona curtailing subsides. The ability to visually visit with her along with the Visiting Angels hands on visits might just work at least for the time being.
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Reply to Lymie61
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acharlot Apr 12, 2020
That's a great idea! I was thinking of getting her the Grandpad by Consumer Cellular but feared it may also be too complicated for her to figure out how to use and it doesn't require an in-home internet connection.

I suspect you would need an in-home internet connection with the echos, is that correct?
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If she is safe where she is I would leave her where she is, in a place that she is familiar with.
If you are working from home she will not understand that and it will be difficult for her to accept boundaries. If you are not working from home I am sure you are helping your children if any with E-Learning if they are at that stage.
Continue your research on line for facilities that will meet her needs as well as yours. There may even be virtual tours you can take. At least you can eliminate some during this process.
You should also find out what forms need to be filled out by her doctor, some of that can be done now. Find out what medical tests are required. (TB skin test is required in most some areas require a double test or a blood test can be done)Are any vaccinations required? Just get prepared.
Plan on what you are going to do with her townhouse, her belongings. This is a great time to plan so that none of this becomes urgent.

Bottom line I think you already know the answer to your question...if she is safe where she is then that is where she should stay. I read a great line the other day...Mom can book the Guilt Trip, but you don't have to pack your bags.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Everyone on here is right. Don’t move her in with you. She has people checking on her. The manipulation will get worse. Don’t feel guilty!! I will never move my mother in with me. She lives alone. She doesn’t have anyone checking on her except me and my son. Lately, it’s been my son checking on her because she doesn’t manipulate him. But she will never move in with us.
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Reply to elaine1962
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