I have been caregiver for my mother, age 88 for plus six years. All doctor appointments, medical decisions, setting up of services (med alert device), etc. Mom will not listen and take advice from PT, RNs and refuses to use the walker consistently. (I am 64, retired. One grown responsible son, 500 miles away. Husband, age 66, retired.)
In the past, I tried to make mom “happy,” took her on outings, did housework, laundry, yard work. Mom also lived with me and husband (his offer) for 22 months. This was a complete disaster despite all my efforts. Currently, mom is back in her house. My 69 yr old brother, Kris lives with her. (He is divorced. Must be at work at 6am, so I arrive at house at 5am) He stuffs his feelings, won’t make the simplest decision re: mom, and refuses to retire. Younger brother and s-in-l will not help at all. Mom resists 99% of my efforts despite me calmly (most of the time) trying to explain I love her, etc. and don’t want her falling again.
When there is an urgent type situation (ex. Mom falling at 10:45 pm, brother calling and saying he doesn’t know what to do, me having to tell him twice to call 911) I am expected to take over all matters involved.
I have mentioned recently that it is getting time to either put mom in a nursing home (she is becoming weaker and unsteady on feet) or have a home health aide come 2-3 times per week, free through her insurance up to 35 hr/wk. I would come 2 days. (BTW: Due to the coronavirus a nursing home is out of the question right now.) Of course this is met with resistance from mom and older brother, Kris. I have tried to be honest in my feelings and stress level. This is something “new” as we were taught to stuff our thoughts and feelings. Kris doesn’t face problems, he ignores them. Mom doesn’t want a stranger in the house.
I realize I have to use tough love. Plus, I know I am the only one who can solve the problem. (No one else will make a decision.). I have told Kris perhaps he should put a lock on his area downstairs so the aide couldn’t go in there. (He trusts few people.). I suggested he put a lock on one of mom’s upstairs bedrooms and put valuables (there aren’t any) in there. He has done neither. I am very angry at mom (for putting me in this situation and being so uncooperative), Kris (his lack of action, etc.) and younger brother (for refusing to be involved). Before 3/23/20, I was coming twice/week to get mom out and help. Since 3/23, her latest fall (broke dominant wrist) I have been here too much: M-F, 5am - 4:30 pm due to Kris always having some errand to run after work. I am burnt out already.