Grief and caregiving. I need help navigating Dad's desire to "get back out there."

OMG, lol how cute. First off men, even 70+ DO like to...how do I put this nicely....take care of business, even if its only with Rosy Palm and her Five Sisters. Yes, I went there, but its fact. Unless they have had some medical problem like prostate cancer, that is normal.

The other normal thing is to have companionship. With or without the naughties. There is NO HARM whatsoever, in setting him up with an OURTIME or MATCH etc. type acct. Let him look, let him post his pic, let him respond, would be good for his soul. Just be sure you are on top of his finances so he is not going to rack up a high bill or donate to some troll acct. in Russia.

I would not let anyone-BACK OUT THERE- during a pandemic, that's just flat stupid, maybe you can get him to understand that and share with him computer options for "FUN" be it of the companion sort, or the more naughty type.

I have already responded but want to say more.  This is not a sexual relationship your father is searching for and it is not a replacement for your mom.  He is wanting companionship.  Someone who doesn't look at him as an obligation and chore.  Someone to laugh with while eating lunch.  He just wants a friend...the basest of human need.  Please don't get offended by it. Help him into a safe environment where he can foster friendships and enjoy what time he has left.

Imho, IF your father further pursues his search "to get back out there," one word of caution that I would suggest is for him (or you) to be careful of sweetheart scammers. It happens. Prayers sent.

TAKE his computer away.
Find a friendship line (free, social services, non-profits) who will call him. Elder care facilities have this challenge too and I believe they do not lock people in their rooms so it depends on how often people / rooms are monitored. "IF" you decide to place your dad in a care facility, ask them how they handle this situation.

The Doc should have said "this is normal in men AT ANY age. Frankly, the doctor didn't provide ANY useful information to you. Perhaps change your MD.

You might also be able to get a visitor (socialization) although they likely are not making house calls during Covid. Call social services and ask about socialization / elder care visits / companionship. Check with your county.

My FIL(92 at the time) started propositioning the woman who volunteered to check on him (we coaxed her to accept payment and make it a real job). She was cool about it but recognized it as a symptom of decline and thought we should know but she wasn't offended.
. My SIL (never married and baby of the family) was absolutely horrified, embarrassed, and wouldn't tell us in a phone call, it had to be in person and we live 300 miles apart. My husband laughed so hard I thought he would fall out of his chair. I cared for my Dad and was familiar with this issue.
It's normal. We explained that to her and she finally relaxed but boy-oh-boy did it throw her for a loop.
You handle it with the "stall and redirect" as often as it takes.
FIL's caregiver asked him if he was proposing because, after all, she was a good woman and would only do that sort of thing with a husband. He didn't speak to her for 2 days and then it was all forgotten (until next time).

Some people, no matter what age they are do not want to be without a mate. They don’t wish to be alone in life. For some, it’s extreme, they feel that life is incomplete without a mate.

Others need time to themselves for awhile and some never wish to have another mate in life. They are content to be alone.

Therapists do not recommend that a person jump into a committed relationship shortly after a death or divorce.

Some people listen to this advice.

Others feel that they know best and don’t feel as if they are vulnerable and jump into a relationship soon after losing a mate.

My neighbor told me that she had grieved the loss of her husband long before they divorced.

My neighbors spent time in counseling but her husband was never going to make an effort to contribute to the marriage.

It was all about him and he blamed his wife for the failure of their marriage.

Some people feel this way if they go through a long illness with a mate before their ultimate death. They have already begun the grieving process.

Every situation is individual. This could be debated forever!

You may feel a responsibility to protect your father, just as parents may feel a responsibility for their adult children.

The truth is that we can’t ever fully protect another person. Sometimes it is interfering in other’s lives, versus protection.

Obviously, if we sense a person is in danger we can further investigate, otherwise everyone is a ‘grown up’ and they will either be happy or possibly be faced with a disappointing relationship.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

I have a friend who, after losing her husband, had a legal document drawn up stating the value of her home and antiques and listing bank accounts, against marrying again. These items were for her and her own heirs, not to be touched, sold, or taken over by any future spouse. this would help weed out the scammers. I think an older person deserves to have a loving companion, with or without benefits, if they want.

Your father has fallen and been in rehab. It will happen again. (My husband with diagnosed dementia falls about once a week.) Next time, visit him on the holidays and meet his friends. Share stories, play cards, watch a movie, etc. Fine a reason that it’s inconvenient for him to come home now. They’re painting his bedroom? The house is rented for termites? I’ve had two friends whose husbands suffered falls and ended up in long-term care afterwards. Just make sure you’ve selected the ASF in advance...and your paperwork is complete!

I think what he is doing is typical of many old men but who would want an old man, or an old woman, for that matter. Don't let him get involved - there are too many scammers who can do horrible things. I think too he is entering a dementia stage and eventually his behaviors and actions will literally destroy you - already starting. Put him into a facility where he can involve himself with the ladies who would love a man's attention. He will be safe there and you will have peace and not be harmed and live your life. Don't wait.

Some men do want to "get back out there" and meet somebody new.
Supervise his contacts if you can, like dating websites, to prevent his being taken advantage of financially or by an opportunistic "date."

FaceBook for MANY elders has been a true Godsend during the pandemic. If your LO is able to use the computer, just 'talking' to people on FB can be fun and safe if someone is quietly paying attention to the back&forthing. Elders are really at risk for scammers.

My Mom, at 90, has quite a few friends on FB, but she has not been able to figure out how to work it---so the idea someone had of gifting her a small Ipad with FB all set up for her was a bust.

MY MIL, also 90, used FB to connect with family and a few friends. She never did figure out that none of us are on FB 24/7, so it wasn't GREAT as an instant communication, like Facetime or Skype. But every time she logged on, there would be pics and little comments from grandkids.

She has quit using it, the pandemic just shut her down, emotionally & mentally, almost 100%. She is sliding swiftly into dementia.

I still think your dad would be very happy in a LTC facility. He'd be a hit with the ladies, trust me. I've seen my mom 'fight' the other ladies at BINGO over who gets to sit next to Ralph. Ralph LOVES it.

On your profile you wrote "...I sold my house and My Dads and bought a bigger one to accommodate us both...Under 24/7 care (me)...he refuses to go to assisted living..."

Your situation is complicated by the fact that you sold your house and your dad's house to buy a house where you both can live. Both of your names on the deed to the new house?

It is incredibly hard to be a 24/7 caregiver. You are burning out. Your dad's needs are only going to increase. Is there money left over from the sale of his home to hire help? Hire a housekeeper? Hire an aide for him?

You may reach a point where you decide that he needs more help than you can hire and manage safely at home. You may want to talk to an elder law attorney about options available to you and your dad given the home ownership situation you have with the new house and his refusal to move to AL.

You also should make sure that all his important paperwork - durable power of attorney, living will, will - are in order.

they go thru many different stages and that is one of them, does he know how to use computer? if so......watch out because you have no idea what he might get into online.....I would disable the computer altogether at this time, you don't need him mistakenly ordering thousands of dollars of stuff or giving out personal information.  I would explain that right now is not the time to be looking for someone with the virus and stuff.  You might also want to let the people coming into help that IF he does something to let you know.  You can tell him that if he continues to do things that upset the help they will go away.  Is there something else he enjoyed....looking at car books, plants, tools, etc......something to take his mind of the other mental activity.  does he enjoy looking at certain movies, you could get some for him to watch.  My dad would try to watch jerry springer but he eventually gave up on that.  I guess he was hoping to see some girl dressed scantily.  who knows but he will soon get over it.  wishing you luck thru this transition.

Ive had so many friends who have said their dads remarried, after the current wife died. They've shared the heartache of having to part with their deceased mother's belongings, to the new woman/wife and new step family.

Its so unfortunate that many elderly widower men can't get a grip on their own looming demise, and carry on like teenage boys. Only in one instance, did the original family and children agree with the new marriage, and step family, for their father.

I think an honest discussion with the father, and then his PCP, if possible. So much hurt and feelings of abandonment, could potentially be avoided. Try to get things worked out, before it actually becomes a reality and complete nightmare for you and your original family.

Best wishes!

Is there any way he can move into assisted living?  The women would go crazy for him in a place like that.  There are 100 women for every man in those facilities.  My mom has dementia and is 80.  She still has all of her teeth, is mobile and considered one of the young ones.  She has had two "boy friends" at the facility and has outlived them both.  The most recent one was very upsetting for us because they had been together for the past 5 years and he was at my home for every holiday.  He was like family to us. Mom is very lonely now and doesn't have anyone to pal around with.  Your dad sounds a lot like my mom.  Wouldn't it be great if your dad had a friend to meet in the dining room for all of his meals and someone to visit with every day, watch a movie with, etc... If he is still wanting to be social, I strongly suggest you look into AL for him.  It would make what time he has left more enjoyable and it would give you a break.

I don't know how helpful this may be, but I'll give you our experience. We lost my MIL 10 years ago. My FIL after a few months (unbeknownst to us at the time), began to sign up for MULTIPLE online dating sites. We didn't really discover it until he told us he had signed up for Facebook and I looked at his new account and at least half a dozen dating sites were posting "you logged in on ______.com" or "________ winked at you" He was using the "log in using Facebook" feature and it was literally posting back to his Facebook page on his wall. We got that fixed and he was embarrassed. But more than anything he didn't want us to know he had signed up for those sites. When we didn't react as he expected, it kind of became a non-issue.

But in his case, he wasn't really looking for someone to date. He just wanted to look. He doesn't want to pay the fees, so he gets the free features, which basically consist of being able to look at pictures and wink at people but not much else. He LOVES it when women wink at him. And he will spend tons of time looking at the pictures. But that's the extent of it.

Honestly, I think it is very normal for men in this age range for some reason. As others have mentioned, I would try to keep an eye on his finances. I'm not going to lie, I keep his Facebook password and log in periodically to see what messenger messages his has. I've deleted a handful of wannabe gold diggers in the last year. (my criteria is basically early to mid 20s (picture) with nothing but men in FIL's age range on their page -they are fishing for something).

There is nothing wrong with harmless flirting and even getting to know someone virtually. COVID makes in person more difficult of course. But you want to be aware of any financial impacts or if he suddenly decides he's getting married.

Frankly I'm much more worried about online dating for my daughters (early 20s) than for FIL because he just really likes to look and feel like people are looking at him.

My mother is 80 years old. She lives on her own in a rural area, but can't drive to meet people. She uses Facebook and Google Hangouts to talk to people. The big thing is watching out for scammers. Can you get him involved with a local Senior Center?

I think you can set up his computer so you can monitor his interactions (get some tech help if necessary). Certainly, keep track of the finances; there are tons of predators out there. And he will be catnip to older women in a facility or senior care center, although sounds like he thinks they are too old for him. Bless his heart. When my husband, in his sixties, visited his mother, loud approving comments about his dress and looks were made by her friends. They are lonely. If your area has vaccinated older adults, he may find a senior center to his liking. My parents were "befriended" by a seemingly nice young man; he disappeared when they drew up a trust to my benefit. After their death, I found correspondence playing on them being like his parents, etc. Lots of predators everywhere. If your Dad lets you handle his finances, they will disappear. Take an interest in his "friends" and somehow inform them that you handle the money. That will separate the wheat from the chaff. That being said, he might meet a lovely lady looking for companionship also. That would be wonderful.

If dad can do anything online at 81 that is a blessing. Make sure you have POA over his finances due to the memory loss. No need to lose any future inheritance over a scammer. Many online.

My father is 82 and diagnosed with dementia. I think I would be worried if he wanted to start dating also. So many people who would take advantage of him. He loves to look at “all of the beautiful women” out there he says. He says he remembers when he was in his 50s and single and the women would chase him. I said dad what are you talking about, you still have a friend of your sisters chasing you. He said I know but she has grey hair! (I thought that was so funny, I guess he forgets he’s had grey hair for the past 30+ years 😆. It makes me wonder what he thinks of my looks, I’m not yet 50 but I’m letting my grey grow out 😂 .) Currently he has a crush on his nurse...because she’s so nice to him (and can’t me more than 25 years old). I think he just likes the attention

Go on a religios dating sight.

Maybe just finding a female friend to talk to will be good.

Be careful about gold diggers if he's got any money.

My Dad is 96 and he still will flirt

Is he competent? If so Let him "get back out. Offer to sign him up so you can have the passwords and know where he is going. Frequently monitor the exchange to be sure he is not being exploited. Step in if necessary -- Otherwise why not

Is an older person who has sign up for online dating sights it is not as problematic as you think.

At 81 there isn't a ton of time left so spending it grieving isn't ideal for his health, truly. Its good that he still wants to connect with people. I doubt its about flirting as much as it is just companionship and closeness to someone. Help set up an account and let the cards fall where they may. Only concern is covid right now since that wouldn't just impact him but u as well. If it were me I would just say to keep it all online as much as possible....if they want to meet, I probably wouldn't play along with that until I got that vaccine.

Let him flirt; it makes him feel alive and connection to others is important for everybody. Of course, make sure to safeguard his finances.

May I also suggest that it would be a good idea for your to attend a grief group since it appears you are still grieving the loss of dad's wife. Greif Share is a good place to check out.

I too would be leery of the online dating. There are just too many nefarious people out there, waiting to take advantage of others. This is even more true of those who are older, and with some memory problems.

It would certainly be good for him to have social interactions with others his age, but in a more controlled environment. If he has memory issues, likely early dementia, I would also ensure you have POAs in place and protect his assets. There are many gold-diggers who would also take advantage of an elderly man, esp if he has assets they can get their mitts on!

Bad timing at the moment for encouraging social activity. When it is safer, try Senior Centers. They often have social activities. The elder day cares are probably not going to be a good place for meeting someone, as many are in more advanced stages of medical or cognitive issues, but you could check any local ones. If he could afford AL, that would certainly open up his horizons (again, when it is safer, as many now have very restricted activities, if any.) If you/he belong to a church, once restrictions are loosened up, they might have social activities as well. Any friends who have lonely widows in the family?

Hopefully you have a Dx for him. Some men who are experiencing dementia can misread ques or just be over-sexed, which will cause more problems. Maybe he just wants some companionship, which is fine.

I am sure that you are overwhelmed. Many people do meet others with online sites but they have to be cautious. It’s not suitable for everyone.

I don’t mean to make light of your situation at all but I had to laugh at the flirting comment.

It was horrible when my mom fell. She has mobility issues due to Parkinson’s disease.

When the firefighters came to help her up, she was grateful and all smiles, not just for the help but because they were so fit and handsome!

Oh, the physical therapist that came for home health were extremely good looking too.

The inside joke was that mom was old but she could still recognize a great looking guy!

I told her nurse about it. She laughed so hard. She said that elderly women never paid much attention to her but let a good looking man walk in and they perked up!

Is he diagnosed with dementia? Does he live with you? Is he fully capable of using online dating? If so and he is dabbling on some of these sites he is easy prey if he has control of his financial assets; that is for starts.
You say you are a caregiver for him full time and you say you work full time. Both things are not possible.
Are you his POA?
My suggestions would be that if he doesn't already live with you, you do not take him into your own home.
That you get POA and all other papers done with him while he still is competent to do them.
That you plan for protecting his assets from himself and that you plan for his move to Assisted Living if there are assets. He may thrive there as it sounds he is lonely and looking for companionship.
Can you tell us what is in place of the things mentioned at this time?

Due to covid - we don't have senior centers, or churches with senior groups so is it possible to find other activities or hobbies for now? I would be cautious on online dating because of the vulnerability of people taking advantage of seniors. My friend got in way over their head and the person swindled money from her banking accounts and it ended up that my friend was charged by the police. She thought she had found true love after living alone and he said the deposit would be in her bank. She was a very competent, beautiful woman who now doesn't trust anyone and she suffered so much. Once the investigation was completed - the charges were dropped. I have two other friends who had a similar experience. My sister was bombarded with a lot of sexual comments. She'll never use that site again. Everyone is experiencing loneliness with social distancing. A cup of hot chocolate, a warm bubble bath and your favorite music along with a good relaxing book will do wonders (for you).;)

Living in a FT residence as a 'healthy' male--and wanting more social interraction--he'll get it and then some!

My mom goes to the Sr Center and it is almost embarassing how the women fawn over the men--ratio of like 10-1.

The women literally fight to get to sit next to one of the single men, and the married ones too. Sometimes I tease mom about her swinging singles center.

I bet he would adapt well and love it.

Why don't you place your dad in the appropriate facility, where he will have interactions with all kinds of females, but also other males as well? That way you would be killing two birds with one stone. He'd get the attention he's seeking, and you'd get your life back, and not be "#feeling exhausted and overwhelmed." It would be a win, win for you both. Best wishes.