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My mother is 94 and I'm 56 years old. I'm an only child. My father died 30 years ago and the rest of our extended family, what little there is, is either dead or on the other side of the continent. My mother has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me since my earliest memory, and her treatment has become much worse with age.


I'm pretty certain she has dementia. She cannot keep track of her money and checking account and mails checks for bills and taxes multiple times and overdraws her account each month. She let me be added as a joint account holder so I could monitor the balances, and now she calls me 20 times a day because she can't remember the balance each time I tell her. She lives alone, refuses to sell her house and move in with my husband and I, or to assisted living. She refuses to see a doctor. She leaves food in her oven, remembers to set a timer, but forgets about it and sets her oven on fire. She cannot remember what day it is or what she got in her mail. She has misplaced boxes of blank checks and forgets to feed her pet poodle. She cannot operate her TV remote or a cell phone. She no longer answers her home phone. Every day she needs something new from the grocery store. A few weeks ago I bought her three boxes of Minute Rice, at her request, and she lost all of them within 24 hours. She's rail-thin, but her cupboards are full of food (not the rice...have no idea where all that rice went...)


I live 25 minutes away and was very sick with COVID until 2 weeks ago. My mother was enraged that I was contagious and too ill to see her or take her to the store. She doesn't understand why she has to wear a mask and had no understanding of how sick I was. All she could talk about was her checking account balance, the missing rice, her poodle needing a trim, and how I letting her down by not being there for her every day.


I don't do anything right for her. I married the wrong man (twice), my daughter in college is selfish because she doesn't see her Nana every weekend and has "changed". I am, in her words "crazy and worthless" and "a burden." I have been called crazy, stupid, worthless, a burden and, most biting, the "one who should have died" while my little sister, who died in infancy, should have lived. She wishes I had been the one to have been born prematurely and die instead of my baby sister. She also won't believe that my father sexually molested me and says it's part of my craziness. This is NOT recent behavior. I have been hearing these words since I was a child. But things have become unbearable the past two years, and now when I am with her or on the phone with her, all I hear is how awful I am.


Two months ago, I had a complete nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with PTSD, in part from my mother's continued treatment. I have never been able to hold down a job and my husband expects a "contribution" since I don't work, so Mom has always helped me out-at a price. She says she has the right to treat me like crap, and I have to put up with it, because she helps me financially. I was on SSI for awhile but my dh got a small raise so now I no longer qualify. So dh wants a "contribution" and Mom was always happy to do it if she could continue to belittle me. So I finally had a psychotic break 8 weeks ago.


I have a worthless POA she signed 30 years ago, leaving me in charge of everything financially. I cannot begin to figure out what to do, how to handle her money, or her. My husband has been running interference for me, trying to take care of Mom, while I'm trying to see psychiatrists and psychologists and find meds that make life bearable. I'm at my wits end and feel hopeless, weak and tired. I haven't spoken to Mom in a week. My doctors tell me she's toxic and I need to make a clean break, but how can I leave a 94 yr old woman alone? ? And advice appreciated, thank you.

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Paisley,

Please, please, please walk away from your mother.

You have value and you deserve to live in peace.

Who will look after her? Well you can report her to APS as a vulnerable senior and tell them you can no longer for the sake of your mental health have any contact with her. If you were hit by a bus, who would step up?

I had a mental breakdown 6.5 years ago. It took 4 months of therapy 2-4 days a week, medication and time off work before I started to believe in my worth as a human being. I continue in therapy to this day, but now it is periodic sessions as needed. After 3 years I started to feel like a new woman. You deserve this too.

I had zero contact with both my parents during this time. I finally realized that they would never consider me, my feelings, they would continue to be hateful, gossips and demeaning. They have no respect for me, my feelings, my possessions or my goals/dreams. Before I had my locks changed, my mother would go into my house and listen to my answering machine, go through my mail and take my possessions that she decided I no longer deserved to have. While going through 2+ years of hell trying to get a separation agreement, she was telling my ex everything she knew about my finances.

I too lived, when the first born died, and I heard about it over and over all my life. When my brother came along, he was everything they wanted and I became the scapegoat.

Parents like ours have no place in our lives. They are incapable of loving us and we have to protect ourselves from them.

You may need to change your phone number, or at least block her calls. I have one toxic family member who can only contact me via email. I just delete them without reading.
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Personally, I think you have TWO people treating you very, very poorly, your husband and your mother. DH expecting a 'contribution' from you, knowing the price it costs you, is another form of abuse. Big time.

You've already had a complete nervous breakdown & have been diagnosed with PTSD. If you don't do something for YOURSELF right away, the next step in your life may be irreversible, God forbid.

Please leave. Call APS for your mother and take the advice AlvaDeer is giving you. As far as your DH is concerned, I think you should give him THIS 'contribution': Your middle finger and your divorce lawyer's phone number.

Sorry to be blunt. But my heart is breaking for you right now. NOBODY has the right to treat you like this. N O B O D Y.

Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOU now. Sending you a hug and a prayer, dear woman.
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ExhaustedPiper Dec 2020
Lea I agree with you.

I think the problem is OP is financially dependent on both her mother and her husband. She is struggling so much she said she can't hold down a job. I'd be willing to bet that financial dependence is a huge factor here and why she feels so stuck.

OP- I hope you are still reading here. I just want to remind you that ANY job you can find, even working at fast food, grocery store, any place really-- can NOT possibly be as bad, stressful, PTSD inducing and pure hell like the JOB you have been doing dealing with your abusive mother. And I am sorry but I have to agree with the others that your husband is being abusive too allowing and even expecting you to suffer for your "contribution" is not love.

Please ask your therapists to help you find a social worker, or other support person who can assist you getting on your feet independently. If you are truly unable to work then you will need help to file for disability.

I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
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I agree that a clean break will make you free...but your mother definitely can’t live by herself. She’s a danger to herself and others. Can you get her into assisted living or send her to ER ? A 3 day hospital stay is required to be admitted & then nursing home...Either that or 24 hour live in Aide. I’m glad you survived Covid!!! You’re stronger than you think...I’d bet your mother has dementia...does she have a neurologist? She could lose her $$$ by not remembering what bills she paid...hopefully the companies will see & credit towards next month...& the food cooking...can start a fire...tell us what you decide...good luck & hugs 🤗
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If .you do a "complete break" as your medical advisors suggest you should, you will need to report your mother to APS as a Senior at Risk. She will require guardianship of the State. No medical doctor should suggest the abandonment of a 94 year old without supplying you with Social Services contact to insure the safety of the elder. To do so would be negligent in that it would/could harm an elder at risk and would/could harm you, the patient herself.
Once you and your psychologist make this decision he or she can assist you in connecting with either APS or with Social Services who can quickly get your Mother guardianship temporary or permanent by the state. You will supply the information above to them. Your psychologist can help in that.
Your Mom is 94, and you 56, and this has been ongoing for a lifetime. You have ended in survival mode, and that is what you must do. You have accessed now the care you need. Please follow their advice.
As I said, if there is no one else it is crucial that you report your mother to APS so they can seek guardianship of the State for your mother. She will then be diagnosed, placed and cared for through the rest of her life and you will not have to add to your already overflowing plate the guilt of abandonment.
Your medical doctor has suggested that you make a clean break. Please report back that you are ready to do that, and request of this RESPONSIBLE medical person that he or she assist you in having guardianship of the state for your Mother. He or she surely will be aware that simply walking away will only add to the guilt that your mother has spent a lifetime creating in you.
I am so sorry for this lifetime of grief. It has formed habitual behaviors that will be hard to break, but you have the right care now to help you. I wish you so much good luck going forward. This is going to be hard work, but very freeing. You have some of the best and most free years of your life ahead. Take heart.
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Well, my DH wouldn't stand up for me if his mother were throwing gas and lit matches at me, so that part, while annoying, is, to me, the way some DH's ACT around their moms. Always told me to fight my own battles. SMH

You've done enough and beyond. She's going to have a very serious accident sooner rather than later.

True, only YOU can decide how to proceed, but I can tell you, this situation will get to you and make YOU sick. Your mom is an energy vampire. She will suck every ounce of compassion out of you and leave you tired and dry.

Calling APS and reporting a Sr. in danger will come back to you, as her daughter, and if things are as bad as you state, she can be removed from her home. It's going to be tough, and she may wind up really, really mad at you. Plan on that.

It does not sound as if she is the least interested in helping herself, and while reporting her seems mean, it's actually a good stop-gap measure.

Call today. Anything with the gov't moves so slowly. You need to get a baseline report going.

Steel yourself--this could get real ugly. I feel for you. My DH and his sister are looking at doing this exact thing for his mom right now.

Be brave, OK? ((Hugs!!))
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Mid,

My favorite thing that you tell people is that you DIVORCED your MIL!

The OP needs to divorce hers too.
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Your Dr's are right. Your mother is toxic and you need to make a clean break. You have done more than enough for your ungrateful and abusive mom. It's now time to take your life back, and your health(mental and otherwise). It sounds like the only reason you have continued putting up with your mom's crap is because she is helping you and your husband out financially. Is that really worth everything she has put you through? I'd rather be in the poor house and have my health and sanity. So really it's up to you now. Do you want to continue on the destructive road you're currently on,(where you will probably die before she does from stress) or do you want to start living a life free of abuse, where you can find peace and joy again? To me the choice is obvious. I hope it is to you too. So pick up the phone and call APS today, and don't look back. Praying God gives you the courage and strength to do just that.
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I have to be brutally frank with you here. You're going to get a lot of advice on how to deal with your mom here; how you take it is really up to you. All I will say to that relationship is you are not beholden to her well being after the way she has treated you in the past, and the way she is currently treating you. If you choose to walk away, however, make sure you walk away completely - in other words, don't make empty threats to her, otherwise they become meaningless.

Honestly, I'm a little concerned about how your husband is treating you. That he would expect a financial "contribution" as he puts it, knowing full well what you are sacrificing in order to get it, AND being ok with what is costs you - well, I think that's just disgraceful. I'm sorry. That's not how a loving marital relationship should work.

I hope while you're seeing all of these people for therapy, you are also discussing your relationship with your husband. It seems to me that you are allowing the people closest to you abuse you, and in addition to medication, you need to get help developing a strategy to end this cycle of abuse.

I wish you all the best.
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I don't know how much money she is giving you, but nothing can be worth the stress you are under. Please talk to your husband about that "contribution" expectation and what the financial dependence on your mother is doing to your health and mental state.

Things can't go on as they are, YOU matter and you need to get out of this ASAP. You have gotten good advice from the others to call APS and let the county take guardianship.

Please keep coming back here so you don't feel alone. Your not alone and people here care. You will get good advice and support along the way.
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The best way to help and protect her is to call APS. They have the authority to make her situation safer for her, whether she likes it or not. Why do you think the PoA is worthless? If was properly executed then it is enforcable, but only if you want this responsibility. It sounds like you should not continue in this capacity for your own sake, and that of your own family. It will only get worse as she declines and becomes in more need of help yet more and more resistant. If I were in your position I would resign my PoA and let the county gain guardianship of her (and her assets). At least you will have peace of mind that she will be housed, fed, receive medical care and be in a safer environment. Please...your own self and family come first. She had her chance in life to make the best of it and plan for her care and exit. No one can ever fully know how much effort and stress caregiving to certain people can become. You are not alone in this dilemma. Please put up a boundary (finally) and move on with your healing. Blessings to you!
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LoopyLoo Dec 2020
Yes, and also call Animal Services for the poodle!
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I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

This situation sounds almost impossible to deal with.

Have you contacted a social worker to ask what they recommend for an elderly person in her situation?

Just want to wish you well. I hope things will improve for you soon.
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You don't leave her alone. You alert the proper authorities to her situation and allow trained, authorised, detached professionals to deal with it.

Here is the website you want, but I am pasting this crucial sentence from it first of all, with the essential bit in block capitals:

"How to make a referral
If you suspect that an adult age 60 or older who is living in Sandusky County is at risk of abuse, neglect (INCLUDING SELF-NEGLECT)..."

And here is the link:
https://sanduskycountydjfs.org/children/adult-protective-services/

Your mother is a vulnerable adult whose age and frailty place her at serious risk of self-neglect.

Allowing her to abuse and attack you does not protect her from this risk. And given your (and her) terribly long and sad history, you are the last person on earth who is able to help her.

You can make a clean break, and she will be fine. Wishing you peace of mind and all the very best.
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