Is it okay to confront family that are feeding into my mother's delusions? They are making things much worse.

Tell your family members to deal with all Mom's caregiving themselves, if they know so much.
If your family has called the cops twice, I'd let them all know Mom is never coming back to your home, because of their ridiculous behavior. Let them deal with demented mom, you sacrificed 2 years and they can deal with it.

Let them deal with Mom's demented behaviors and abuse. I'd flat out refuse to get near her at this point. I'd be firing her useless Primary doctor and find a competent neurologist. I'd consider dropping your POA and let your "Golden Brother" deal with Mom.

I suggest you ask these family members to get more involved with her care, say, staying with her for a week while you take an extended break or short vacation. Let them experience her needs and behaviors and see if they start to understand then.

Once folks start calling the cops and threatening me that is when I look for the nearest exit.

Your family sounds terrible. Give up that Power of Attorney and let someone else take the reign. There is no way that I would tolerate that type of abuse when I'm doing the heavy lifting.

I wouldn't waste one minute confronting these people. Calling the police is a guilt tactic to keep you in line. It doesn't give you freedom but works as the opposite by keeping you tied to this situation.

Get some therapy. Get a lawyer to send these people a cease and desist letter with their harassment and false police reports being filed.

Get APS involved. Let them know that you can no longer take care of your mother. It sounds like it's time for placement. Your mother sounds like a handful. She appears competent because you have been propping her up.

Your mother sounds like she is showtiming when she gets around her doctor and others. In other words, displaying her best behavior. I would start recording her behavior so others can witness what is going on.

Whoever keeps calling the police would get mom at their doorstep. It simply amazes me how people who do the least of nothing will be the main culprit calling police and other agencies. As if you don't have enough to contend with with managing her life, your day today and other duties.

Detach yourself from this insanity. I've already been down this rabbit hole of insanity being the caregiver for a disabled sister. I have had APS called on me by an older sister spewing lies about the care sister was receiving. Mom had set up care before she passed. I inherited my sister along with all of the other unfinished business. This caregiving will tire you out.

It sounds like you are finished with this situation. A very wise woman told me once you leave someone else will step in. I made sure that sister had a group home to move to. The social worker that worked with me was an angel getting my sister in a day program where she could me taught things. She learned how to feed herself again. Her teachers were astronomical with their teaching abilities. At home with just home care consisted of bathing and feeding. Sister needed a higher level of care that she received outside of the home.

I work as a home health aide and I see what an impact taking care of someone has on families.

Trust and believe, I can empathize what you are feeling. You feel unappreciated and frustrated for helping ungrateful people.

Your family is not siding with you here, they are believing your mother. I think it is time to step back. Perhaps you should contact APS and explain what is happening and tell them you can no longer care for your mother because she does not trust you. Give APS your sibling's phone number to ask what should be done now since she clearly cannot live alone.

If you mother is still considered competent, mail her a letter copying your brother that you are resigning power of attorney and mother needs to appoint someone else.

So sorry this is happening but no good thing is going to come from your continuing to be her caretaker. A change is necessary.

Confronting your family for making things worse is absolutely what you should be doing.

As things are, they think they are "helping" mom by throwing obstacles in your way. They think it lets them off the hook of actual care giving.

As an added bonus, they get to dump all the blame on you and bask in their feelings of self-righteousness. It's a win-win for them.

It's past time for you to establish better boundaries for what behavior you will accept. They should be praising you to the heavens for the work you've been doing.

If it were me, I'd be telling my unhelpful family that I'm retiring from caregiving and resigning my POA and they have 30 days to find a new solution, because I am no longer the solution.

They'll probably fall all over themselves with promises to help, etc. if you stay. Don't fall for it. Unless they can help you get your POA in effect to where you can actually do something, let them have their turn at running the show.

Like me, you're part of a family that is dysfunctional to some degree. As a result you're motivated by guilt and an unrealistic sense of obligation. Apparently your mother has the ability to switch on and off her "anger, delusions, depression and physical abusiveness" when she's being examined by her docs vs when she's with you. Big difference between her doc's finding of cognitive decline and her outlandish behavior at home. You must take a frank look at that fact and realize she may be more aware of things than you realize and abuses you either because she resents your interference in her life or historically abuse has been her M.O. way of controlling you. To repeat....her docs don't find her to be as excessive as you witness as a result of her ability to turn on her "off" switch in their presence. Seems your sibling is well engrained in the dysfunction too. You could be facing more than one challenge...helping yourself and your mother. You must help yourself first to do anything else effectively. Face the possible family dysfunctional dynamics and start deciding you want to be mentally healthy and if walking away from them all is what it takes, do it! For sure consider your mother's accusations about you and your sibling's calls to the police about you and realize YOUR FAMILY IS NOT ON YOUR SIDE! Get therapy for your guilt which drives you to stay in the abuse. Like others have said, give your mother and your sibling a deadline date for your care....maybe 30 days. Put it in writing to them and CC yourself. Stick to that date and just stop being there for them after that. You did your duty and gave them sufficient notice.

Agree 200% with Dawn88 (May 29) below.
* Why are YOU taking care of her? And others are not?
* Do you want to continue in this role?

You want to create a track record of behavior / interactions_____________
* When mother acts out
- call APS and ask them to assess.
- certainly track police interactions (date, time, who, what)
- write down interactions with family

FYI: I've been with clients with what I would strongly consider varying degrees of dementia 'only' to answer MD questions adequately 'enough' in a visit wherein the MD believes them... doesn't probe. In other words, the person lies to sound coherent and often it works. Clearly, your mother is on a spectrum of decline ... although we don't know which spectrum or where it is going or how soon ... this COULD go on for years. Up for that?

And perhaps she is (has ) a narcissistic personality disorder and has been like this all your life. If she has a history of psychiatric disorder(s), clearly as a child, you were adversely affected by her behavior / interactions with you. In other words, you are wounded / traumatized.
--- there is caring and then there is martyr-ism or mental health issues.
If you continue to take this behavior ('abuse'), then you need to somehow make peace with your decision. You would benefit from seeing a therapist now to sort out your feelings.

* It is very telling to me that you ask us if it is 'OKAY' to confront family member. That you are thinking this way ... wondering if it is okay instead of being royal pis--ed and angry and feeling justified to sharing explicitly and clearly YOUR TRUTH. This tells me that you are fearful, have little self-esteem ...

Ask yourself: Why am I asking others if okay to talk to the family?

If you want to continue to care for mother, then know that this is a package deal If you decide to continue, ask yourself why? What are the payoffs for YOU?

* Video some of her behavior. This proof may help you / her. It will certainly support your words explaining to others what is happening.

However, the question or situation here for you to consider is if you want to continue on in your role knowing how you are being treated by your mother and your brother/family members. Know that your mother may / likely won't change and her behavior may get worse; same with your family members.

Clearly, your family members - calling the police on YOU - know that they can (get away with that) ... they know that they can show this level of disrespectful towards you.

Know there is / are major differences between 'caring' for your mother and setting boundaries (self care, self respect). I wonder if you are caring for your mother due to her living with you (or visa versa).
Question: Do you 'have to' live wherever you are, if with her?
Are you self-supporting?

I'd strongly recommend that you get into therapy to figure out if you and to stop allowing this behavior from mother and family.

Learn to love yourself - a decision at a tme.

First know you deserve to be respected and treated with kindness, if not appreciation by your family. As Dawn 88 said, let them take your mother in and care for her.

Gena / Touch Matters

I know that it's difficult, but I think you need to step back and allow things to get worse.
Notify your brother and other relatives that you can't do this any longer, due to the lack of support and it's up to them.
Notify social services, or whoever is responsible for vulnerable elderly wherever you live, that your mum has been deemed competent by her doctor but you don't believe she is; she's alone, so can they check up on her.

Nothing else will get done while you're propping her up. You need to stop.

If you have a durable POA(DPOA) as stated for your mom then that comes into effect the day it was signed, and does not require any doctor to have to claim incompetence.
And as already recommended I would just drop your mom off at these family members houses and tell them that you'll be back in a few weeks to get her. That should be enough time for them all to get a true taste of what it's really like caring for someone with dementia.
And of course if your moms care is getting to be be just too much for you, you may have to start looking into getting her placed in a memory care facility using her money of course. And if money is an issue she'll have to apply for Medicaid.

Life would be a dream if someone, anyone would help in these situations! I never had the cops called on me (sick) but I know how family members can take things too far! My brother wanted POA, I said fine,take it. He came to the conclusion that it could hurt him and his family so it was OK if anything happened to me? Nice guy! Unfortunately, family will have nothing to do but criticize you for all your efforts. Maybe you can say, fine,you can be POA! Talk about a fast retreat when work is involved. I never had any difficulty with POA, I placed mom and the facility interviewed and accepted her. I showed them the POA and everything I signed for her with "as POA" so she was liable. I don't see why her physician wouldn't help you but I don't think you need a Dr opinion. So,you tell family...either you take over the reins or get over it, you've got enough abuse and don't need theirs. Try to place mom if possible, you have to take care of yourself so you have the energy to be the caregiver for the remaining work that will be "left" for you.
Don't be afraid to lose family over this, it usually happens more than you know. My brother says hey,we should get together some time. I said, I'll think about it. He said, what's there to think about?
🤣🤣🤣🤣 Really?!?!