Mom somewhat pushed me into being her caregiver. Out of 4 children she asked me to never place her in a nursing home. What do I do?

I don't mean to be uncaring, but I will be blunt.

I shall call your story:
The Tale of The Good Daughter & The Promise
😇 😱

So your Mom got older & is scared of a nursing home. OK - fair enough. Her solution was to choose an offspring (kindest or most obedient is the best) & apply pressure so they become her 24/7 carer. Enter you.

It is working for so far. For HER. But it needs to work for all the people in the plan. That means for YOU too. Is it?

So. Firstly, work out how much you can realistically do.

Secondly, explain this to your Mom. Something like "I care for you but I am only ONE person. I cannot do all this anymore. I need to return to my home, marriage & job. We need a new plan. I will find out who can help us do that".

You may get respect & acceptance. Or you may get resistance & rage.

What are your thoughts on this?

You obviously want the best for your mom. She needs more care than you can provide. It's time to let the professionals take over. They have training and resources that you do not.

Circumstances have changed, her needs have changed, and your abilities have changed. Being coerced into an agreement doesn't mean you are stuck with it.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done your best and gone above and beyond for too long. As my husband's doctor said "Going above and beyond for an extended period of time NEVER ends well for the caregiver."

You need to take care of yourself. Ruining your life and health won't do your mother any good either. At most, you can supervise the professionals who care for your mom. You have the right to your mental and physical health.

Take care of yourself and I wish the best for you.

Lillian, don't throw in the towel on yourself. You may need to on your mom. I know this gets used a lot on here but I'll say it anyway. If a plane is about to crash they ask people to put their own life saving apparatus on first and don't give it to someone else. You can't continue to function if you are running yourself into the ground for the sake of someone else. You just can't.

You need to make arrangements for outside help for your mom. Please don't think of it as a selfish decision. It's not. Eventually if you continue as you have been your mom's needs will be greater than you can handle anyways and you will have lost yourself in the meantime. Do this for yourself and your mom!

As for guilt. It's a useless emotion. I felt guilty about transitioning my mom to a nursing home but it was in her best interests and mine and there were no if's and's or but's about it. It was hard. I felt horrible every time I went to visit her there but you know what? It had to be done and after awhile she didn't even know the difference anyway.

I know this is hard but you can do it.

If I moved out to care for my mom, my DH would probably file for divorce. He's not a mean guy, but he would not be supportive of that dynamic for one minute. For one thing, he knows my mother is a huge trigger for me and I would probably have a heart attack in 6 months. Stress truly can bring on some nasty, nasty side effects.

There's 'service' and then there's servitude. You're enmeshed in unhealthy 'servitude' and sounds like mom doesn't appreciate it, and you are slowly but surely crashing.

I USED to be the 'super' kid who would step up for EVERYTHING--not for a few years. I quit doing it all and guess what? It worked out. My other sibs stepped up, and mom has not suffered.

Get with your sibs--and let them know, straightforward, that as of Jan 1st, you are done and mom needs to have a different care plan.

You don't have to walk away 100%, but you do not have to live your life for mom.

No guilt--just self preservation, which is as important as anything else. Taking care of one elderly person can kill you. Literally. You've sold your marriage down the road for your mom--would she really have wanted that? If the answer is yes, then you have a serious problem. No parent should step between husband and wife.

Sounds like you and your immediate family have done more than their fair share for mom. Now it's time for you to take care of you. If you don't, you could end up in the statistics where the caregiver dies before the one being cared for. And that's not fair to your husband or your son.

I've said this before on this forum, but a child should never be forced to make the promise of never putting their parent in a nursing home. Instead the promise should be that the child will do whatever it takes to make sure their parent is getting the best care possible. And sometimes that means going into some type of nursing facility. You have to do what's best for you at this point, and clearly that means finding the best facility for her to go in. She will adjust and she may even like it. And you will be able to get back to just being her daughter. Doesn't that sound pretty good at this point? Wishing you the best.

Lillian, there’s a huge gulf between promising to never place someone in a nursing home and promising to always care for them. The first is an enormous mistake, one often made under pressure and without full knowledge of what circumstances may come. Under the current conditions you have a very good chance of losing your marriage, your health, and your sanity. Please make changes now to prevent this. A mother in her right mind who wants the best for her adult child would never want this current life for you. My mother had to live in nursing home as her care was beyond what could be accomplished in a home setting. It didn’t mean our family didn’t care for her. We had someone there regularly and advocated for her and her care when she couldn’t do so for herself. She received care from trained pros who knew many “tricks of the trade” that allowed them to safely and effectively care for her. Please know you have nothing to feel guilty about, the situation is too much, and you’re only human. I wish you peace

You just said it; you said "I'm not God". You aren't, and you aren't a Saint either. Were you a Saint we could shoot you full of arrows, then pray to you for eternity to fix every single one of our problems.
I think that you need to take responsibility that you did take this on. That first, and then plan ways to get yourself out of it. Your Mom could have surprised you asking for your agreement to keep her out of a nursing home. But even when we are surprised and say "yes" initially, most of us return to say "Mom, you surprised me and I gave you a promise that I will likely NOT be able to keep. I WILL promise you I will never desert you, but I cannot promise to give up my own life to care for you". You didn't do this. You moved in and for 6 years you have been giving care.
We can't move backward. You now recognize that you cannot go on any longer. And that is GOOD NEWS. You understand that you will feel GRIEF (not "guilt"; guilt is for cruel felons who do malice aforethought). You understand your Mother and likely the whole rest of your world will blame you. Fine. That's to be expected. But you must now move on through the thicket to find your way home to a life that is quality. You have sacrificed to the limits of your human capacity. You don't need our permission to stop. You need your own permission to stop.
Tell your Mother that you cannot do this any longer. That she will have to move into care now, and that you will help her. That you must now live a life of your own, and that you will be there for her with visits and love.
You may need professional help to work out of this quagmire. It sounds as though you currently are experiencing depression; it is difficult to move at ALL with depression, let alone to move to change your life.
It won't be easy and it won't be instant, but it can be done, and unless you wish to sacrifice your entire whole life on this altar, you must do it.
Try to remember, this is your choice. It cannot be done without pain and suffering; you must now make the best choices for your own life.
I sure wish you good luck and hope you'll update us. Please go to the discussions section below and seek out the discussion about in-facility versus home care, and how many get "guilted " into doing care that robs them of their own lives. Many helpful comments there for you.

The care you are giving your mom sounds like care that would require paid professionals working in 8 hr shifts. No one person can do all of this continuously! You’ve done A LOT and no wonder you are so tired!

Fyi the above statement is something I’ve read multiple times on this forum, and it has been a game changer for me. We do the best we can, but the expectation to do it ALL is far too much!

You richly deserve some peace and time to yourself. It might take a bit but one step at a time, and your mother will be looked after, even if it’s not precisely how she wants. Truly wishing you the best!

Whatever your mother has asked of you, you cannot promise to "keep her out of a nursing home". You CAN promise that you will see that she is safe and cared for, which may mean, sounds like it DOES mean, at least "assisted living" or maybe a nursing home.

Don't know what her finances are. You need to check what care is available, what she can afford or what medicare/medicaid will pay for. There are others on this site who can tell you how to get the information you need.
But do not continue to carry this burden alone.

Find a place for her and after you have, be firm and tell her something like (but in your own words), "Sorry, Mom, I've tried, but I simply cannot do everything you need by myself. There are caring people who are trained to give the kind of help you need. I will not abandon you. I will always be available to check on your safety and well being. I love you." Don't ask her to choose a place. You check facilities out and you decide.

Then you may be able to point out to her some advantages of whatever placement you have found. Perhaps there are activities she might like or surroundings she might find enjoyable. She can still have her TV or whatever will make her feel at home. Point out the advantages. But DON'T back down. DON'T feel guilty. You will be better off, and almost certainly, so will she.

Never promise you will not put a loved one in a facility! It's a promise that can't always be kept, and will get thrown in your face later.
Several people here have said the promise you CAN make is to always do what gives her the best care she needs. That's a promise you can keep.