My mother is 103 and still at home with help. I am there every day as well. Over the last six months a recurring subject has arisen. It used to happen maybe every few months, but now is daily. My mother believes we are stealing from her. First it was an adding machine my dad had fifty years ago. Then it was a suitcase, a radio, a pot, food, a bracelet, and finally that I am hiding jewelry my dad kept for girlfriends. There are three of us who manage her care on a daily basis. We never know day to day when she will start, only that she will accuse one of us. Yesterday it was a radio. She was in a rage over it. She claims that she listens to it at night yet she is deaf. I have no idea what the radio even looks like. The other day she accused one of the girls of stealing her bracelet. The girl remained very calm and said to her the bracelet is where it always kept. Last week she accused one of the girls of stealing her dinner yet it was in the fridge on a plate. Since she won't listen to reason I have found leaving her house gets her attention. I have been caring for her now for over three years 24/7. I am tired, stressed, etc. I have broached a nursing home, but she says you can't make me leave my house. It won't be long before the girls quit as they have tired of the constant abuse. The first service I had working lasted three days. She can be terribly abusive. I really don't know what to do at this point. I have decided to limit my time at her house.
Is she on anything to help with her anxiety level, which seems to be pretty high now?
103?? Wow, that's one of the oldest people I've ever heard of!! You can't expect much from someone that age, I guess. Do you think it might be time to put her in a home since she is getting so agitated and argumentative?
The second culprit to check out are possible side effects from meds. This would be a very good thing to talk with a doctor about if you have one you trust. If you have been blown off, look for a second opinion.
The third thing to look into is seeing if she can be put onto medication to help with this behavior. There could be all kinds of things at play at this age—from depression/anxiety to actual dementia itself. Sometimes SSRIs and other neurological meds can help.
You may be at the point of needing to place her into a home. My family went through that with a grandparent. It sucks. They never want to go, but part of that is because things like dementia can really mess with someone's ability to make good choices for themselves and also it causes paranoia. If she is getting hurt a lot and it is becoming torturous to care for her and for help to care for her, she may really need that 24 hour care in a home that is set up for people at such a stage of life.
You will hear about some people doing terrible at these places, but my grandparent was actually a lot better off. There was a lot more social contact with people—plus the meds, therapy and meals were being given at proper times. It was such a good fit, that mental health (and even memory) actually improved. My grandparent made friends there and even started dating. Some members in my family actually thought the Alzheimers was either misdiagnosed or reversed. It's not going to be that way for everyone (lots of factors involved—and sometimes it is better for some people to stay in their house if they can) but just wanted to let you know that sometimes a good care home can be the best thing—even if they fear it at first.
I know of several cases like yours. Obviously $$$ is at play here and Mom still controls that I would bet.
Thia is where an attorney visit a long time ago should have come into play.
I went last year with my Mom, I have control over everything.
But, mine didn’t fight me.
I would place $$$$ on your 103 year old still calls the shots.
The elderly hate giving up control. And yes, the older they get, the more delirium comes around.
Mine asked me today, did I hang clothes up all over her room because there was a ghost last night looking through all those hung up clothes........
FOR HER, in terms of safety, comfort, and meeting her physical needs, she requires an environment that gives her access to multiple services. It is time to find placement.
Do your research. Find the best place you can. DO NOT discuss this with her before hand. If you have her POA you can AND SHOULD assure her consistent care.
She may benefit from an antidepressant or anti anxiety medication, consistently administered. Many if not most people of her age have similar symptoms and can be made more comfortable with the use of such medications.
When she has become accustomed to her new surroundings, you may choose to make brief visits at various times of the day. If her company warrants, you may stay a little LONGER, if not you will say “I’m leaving now Mom, I’ll see you a little later in the week”, and leave.
As you know, her accusations have absolutely NO RELATIONSHIP to what is really happening around her. That idea must now become your ongoing guide to providing the very best care for her.
You sound likes great guy, and truthfully, the stress of taking care of her is not good for you. You need to be an active participant in taking care of YOURSELF.
We never bother with duplicates as she only loses unusual, old or worn items.
She will also decide something is not hers, wrap it in fabric (so as to not smudge fingerprints) and bring it to me for investigation. I set aside a huge box into which I put all those items, in case she later reports them stolen.
It’s really tough not to take it personally.
Sometimes it’s difficult not to laugh when one glove has clearly been stolen by thieves who have broken into the house and removed it from her coat pocket. These thieves are remarkably skilled as they can sometimes return said glove by putting them both together in the other pocket while we’re standing there.
I often loudly muse that MY house has never been robbed (we live in adjacent, isolated houses) but I sure wish I could remember where I’ve put all the things I’VE MISPLACED. Eternally optimistic that it’ll sink in.
Good luck! Remember, don’t take it to heart!
Has she been tested for UTIs as they can sometimes cause psychiatric issues?
7. Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items
If you notice a pattern where your older adult frequently hides and then loses a certain item, consider buying multiples of that item.
For example, if they’re constantly misplacing their wallet, buy another of the same style so you can offer to help them “find” it.
8. Seek support and advice from people who understand
Being accused of stealing, abuse, or other terrible things can be devastating.
Even if you can hide your true feelings to avoid further upsetting your older adult, it still hurts inside.
To help you cope, join a caregiver support group – either in person or online.
You’ll be surprised and relieved to learn that many other people have been accused of similar untrue things. It truly helps to know you’re not the only one it’s happening to.
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Speak to her doctor about medication for anxiety; let him or her know the situation that's arisen and seek advice about medication to combat her delusions.
Caregivers are generally well versed in this area; dementia patients are always accusing them of stealing something or another. The very INSTANT something is out of my mother's sight, it's been STOLEN by one of the staff at her Memory Care ALF. They all laugh it off. If you've hired people who can't laugh it off, you've hired the wrong people.
Last but not least, dementia normally DOES reach a point where you have to limit your visiting time, period. The frustration factor for us is very high, trying to deal with their issues and keep a civil tongue at the same time. Getting out of there when the histrionics get too much is the perfect solution.
Wishing you the best of luck!
8 WAYS TO DEAL WITH FALSE DEMENTIA ACCUSATIONS
Seniors with dementia might make terrible accusations
“You stole my wallet and all my money!”
“You’re keeping me prisoner in my house!”
“You’re trying to poison me!”
Seniors with Alzheimer’s or dementia commonly accuse the people closest to them of theft, mistreatment, or other terrible things.
While cases of true abuse do exist, oftentimes these accusations are completely untrue and are caused by delusions – strong beliefs in things that aren’t real.
It’s important to remember that your older adult isn’t creating these delusions to hurt you.
Their brains are failing and the delusions and paranoia are symptoms of the disease.
We explain why this happens and share 8 ways to calm the situation and kindly deal with these dementia accusations.
Why seniors with dementia make false dementia accusations
Their accusations may sound crazy, but the situation is very real to your older adult.
Their minds are trying to make sense of the world while their cognitive abilities are declining.
People with dementia often feel anxiety, frustration, and a sense of loss. Those feelings, plus memory loss and confusion, can easily lead to paranoia.
That’s why many seniors with dementia feel like people are stealing from them or mistreating them.
When they can’t find something they’ve misplaced, their brain leads them to believe that someone stole from them.
When you prevent them from wandering and getting lost, they think they’re being kept prisoner.
These dementia accusations can be extremely hurtful to hear, but it’s important to remember that they’re not personal attacks against you.
Their brain can’t make sense of what’s happening and has created an alternate version of reality to compensate.
8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations
1. Don’t take it personally
Remember that your older adult is only making these accusations because of their declining cognitive abilities.
They’re trying to make sense of their reality as best they can.
Do your best to stay calm and not to take these accusations personally. Focus on reassuring them and showing that you care about how they’re feeling.
2. Don’t argue or use logic to convince
It’s important not to argue or use logic to convince someone with dementia that they’re wrong.
You simply can’t win an argument with someone whose brain no longer processes logic properly. And arguing will only make them upset and more insistent.
Instead, let them express their ideas, feelings, and opinions. It will be easier to calm and distract them if they feel heard and validated.
3. Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language
When responding to someone who is worked up over something they strongly believe, it’s essential to stay calm.
Bring the adrenaline level of the situation down by speaking in a gentle, calm tone of voice.
You may also want to try reassuring them in non-verbal ways like a gentle touch or hug.
4. Create a calm environment
Creating a calm environment is another way to reduce the tension in the situation.
Reduce noise and commotion by turning off the TV, asking other people to leave the room, or playing slow songs or classical music at a low volume.
Aromatherapy is another way to create a soothing environment.
5. Stick to simple answers
When you respond to their accusations, keep your responses short and simple.
Long explanations or reasoning may be overwhelming and cause more agitation and confusion.
6. Distract with a pleasant activity
The best way to stop them from obsessing about their accusation is to validate, then distract.
Switch to a fun, engaging, or satisfying activity as soon as possible after sympathizing with how they feel.
Maybe it’s a good time to offer a favorite snack or drink. Or you could ask for help with a no-fail task they enjoy, like folding “laundry” (aka lots of hand towels)
Wow, I'm really at a loss for words here. Can you call the "Alzheimer's Association" 24/7 hotline and talk to one of their counselors. I've called them many times over the past four months. Their number is 1-800-279-3900. The person who answers the phone takes down your information and gets an idea of your situation. If there's a counselor available at that moment, they will transfer you. If one isn't, they take your number and return your call. When that has happened to me, they have always called back that same day. A lot of the times they will follow up with an email and give additional resources as well. Good luck and I hope you give us an update!