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My Dad has Alzheimer's. He lives in Assisted living with Mom, who has cognitive dementia, but at a mild state. Dad says he is sick of mom, wants his own money so he can buy a car and get his own apartment. At his last Drs. appt. he told this to the Dr. The Dr. responded that he could not live alone and could not drive. Dad says he a) doesn't remember this or b) he's going to get a new Dr. who will let him do what he wants.


Because of Covid, we cannot enter their facility so we cannot talk to them face to face about this. But, being logical does not work with him any longer. We finally just said that we would talk to the Dr. when we are allowed to get out. He accepted that, but still calls about once a week asking for us to get him out of there.


We have no intention of moving him and I am hoping that things will calm down when they are not so secluded. Are we handling this correctly by just saying OK but delaying things??

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Keep telling him the Covid19 will be around for Awhile and no Smile..Tell him too the Second wave is coming Too.....Just ignore him. He cannot do a thing with NO HELP......He has dementia which is associated with What He Has....
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I'm sorry that I only just saw ct1128's reply to my question, what does her mother think about the situation. The reply included the information that, with her declining mental state, mother is yelling at Dad a lot.

No doubt mother is under a great deal of stress, and she is less able to cope with him than she used to be.

That doesn't make it okay to leave him in a situation where he is subjected to verbal abuse. It isn't okay for a man with Alzheimer's Disease to be yelled at when he gets things wrong or behaves in ways that frustrate or annoy the person he's living with.

It's very difficult to make any changes at all at the moment, and perhaps things will ease up once they're less secluded. But meanwhile, I think I'd have a word with the facility's staff to see if they can shed any light on what's going on, or have any suggestions about possible support or interventions. Also, talk openly to mother about what he's doing that makes her yell - at the very least, it would give her a chance to vent and take some of the tension away.
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Always be compassionate and caring when talking with a dementia patient because you don't really know what they are thinking inside and why. You can kindly let him know his situation and why he is there along with his inability to do what he had done in the past, such as own a car. Let him know its not his fault nor yours for being in that position and you are doing your best to handle all situations concerning him and your mom regarding their well-being. Wanting a car is not something you can see him doing at this time. Be honest and say "Dad we would love for you to be independent and get a car and drive mom around" however this is not the right time for you to be getting a car due to your circumstances. If there is somewhere you like to go and its within reason we will or can take you there, but now no car and no divorce.
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I went through a similar dilemma with my Dad. The best solution was to just delay, delay. In the case of my Mom, she wanted to buy a car that she could drive. Despite not having had a drivers license for 15 plus years, she still insisted on having a car. I ended up buying her one, so that I had all the keys, and I have here caretaker use the car to drive her around. She still argues with me as to who owns the car but it usually blows over. Keep in mind that your Dad really has no real grasp on reality. It's just the evil disease.
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Do NOT give him any kind of definitive answer. Just redirect.
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He may be feeling "boxed in" as a lot of us are feeling COVID-19. It also sounds like he does not have the ability to cope well with frustration. He may need more activities he can do or a portion of the day without his wife. I agree with other writers that medications to treat mental health issues like anxiety and/or depression may be useful to relieve some of his frustration.
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Sounds similar to a situation with my husband, who kept wanting to "move on," and began to leave the house (eloping) - wanted to go to the bank to get his money (all delusional). When my husband was told by two doctors that he could no longer drive, he, too, said he would get a new doctor, etc. My doctor prescribed seroquel (for hallucinations which he had frequently) and added Effexor (an antidepressant) that has calmed him down considerably; but I now have a door alarm, so I can try to keep him from eloping, though I've called 911 when he has challenged me at the door. From the reading I have been doing about caregiving, these situations are not uncommon.
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againx100 Apr 2020
Glad the meds helped calm your husband down a bit. Even so, you still have your hands full! Hope you are taking care of yourself too and hopefully getting some relief and breaks!
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Can't you just move dad to another facility after Covid is gone and wait a few weeks and tell him he is divorce? I know it is a lie, but he wouldn't know the difference! Then just keep putting him off about the car!

Just a crazy thought!
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Maryjann Apr 2020
Wouldn't that give them two rental fees though? Those places are crazy expensive.
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I would just go along with what he says. But tell him he can’t get a divorce or a car until the corona virus is over. I am sure many many people will be getting a divorce once the corona virus is over. But since he has Alzheimer’s, shouldn’t he be in a different facility from your mother where the facility is for Alzheimer’s? I really do think he needs to be in a separate facility from your mother but no need for a divorce or a car. Would they even grant your father a divorce if he is incompetent? Just go along with whatever he says for now.
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paulalovescats Apr 2020
"I am sure many many people will be getting a divorce once the coronavirus is over."
LOLOLOL
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You said she has become more mean and yells at lot as her dementia progresses, so that makes it difficult for him to handle the change in her personality.

Maybe he is burned out and it is time to separate them. I would not be happy with someone being mean to me and yelling at me.
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Yes...it's great, and be grateful that he only is asking about once a week and is accepting of it. It is hard for honest people to get used to lying and that lying is okay...postponing comments are the way to go. We discovered this when my parents made their last trip to visit my sister (the good daughter)...my mother with dementia wanted to come home. Showing her when that would be on the calendar was of no help and she HAD to get home because there were bills to pay etc...but when my sister said she would be leaving the "day after tomorrow", that worked even if it had to be repeated and it wasn't in reality for 10 days.
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I think it best to go along with his ideas and just keep saying an issue has come up that will delay things for awhile. Arguing is not going to be productive. Just causes more agitation. His ideas and thoughts will go back and forth. No point in trying to force him into the reality he no longer has 100% of.
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You might verbally "agree with him" that it be wonderful to have a car and and a new apartment but that no one can move or buy a car right now b/c of COVID and lockdowns. You could skip mentioning the divorce. He might accept the delay for the time being and then you can change the subject.
You will probably have to repeat this technique indefinitely, but acknowledging his wishes would validate his feelings and might calm him down.
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I think Dad is telling the truth on how he honestly feels in an unfiltered way regardless of his dementia. The shut in w/ Covid 19 is making the most patient of us a bit nutso, and then we're stuck with wherever and whoever we got. Dad's fantasy about regaining his life is probably keeping him going. Sometimes we're stuck with having to live with and accept that which is intolerable, which is demoralizing and energy depleting.
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Your father feels like a prisoner...he's probably told you those words. Guilt is the higher self telling you there is a better way. You might consider discussing a compromise with him. Perhaps once the lockdown is over you could consider taking him on some outings in the car. The great majority of us don't like being locked in ..he's no different. You could take him to see some cars at a lot, clearly he likes cars and they were important to him. Compromise is always helpful. He's not crazy, just realizing this is a really restricted uncomfortable situation for a mans man who has always controlled his own life. Please be honest with him. He will appreciate that
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You are doing the right thing, as his Alzheimer’s progresses he will forget about it and likely come up with some other wild and crazy idea. I learned this dealing with my father during his journey with Alzheimer’s. Just go with the flow and delay any action.
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Yes, you are doing the wise thing.
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It's OK to redirect or placate him.
Don't beat yourself up!
Sometimes coming up with inventive excuses is best for our loved ones with Alzheimers/Dementia.
If Dad isn't on any type of meds for dementia, you may want to have a conversation with his Primary Care physician. There may be therapeutic meds to help him relax.
Best wishes!
God bless!!
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Do you mean by independent living Dad has the full responsibility of Mom? This has to be overwhelming for him. Its hard dealing with a Dementia and then add ur both elderly. Maybe an AL would be a better fit. Then Dad can leave the room when he wants knowing the aides are caring for her. Of course, that is going to have to wait.
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disgustedtoo Apr 2020
?Where was IL mentioned or that dad has responsibility?

From original post:

"My Dad has Alzheimer's."
"He lives in Assisted living with Mom, who has cognitive dementia, but at a mild state."

It sounds like mom is better off than dad, at this point. They are already IN an AL facility.

As far as "leaving the room", most if not all facilities are on lock-down, meaning even those in AL have to stay in their own rooms, meals delivered, etc.

Mom's facility is IL/AL/MC. They won't even allow anyone out to grocery shop or get supplies - they must make a list for staff and provide payment. IL and AL have to stay in their own rooms, meals are made in their own kitchen(ettes) or delivered to the room. MC has limited who can come in now, but the residents are allowed freedom of movement IN the MC area only. It's too hard to explain to them why they can't leave their rooms, and it is probably against the law to lock them in. Only those who NEED medical attention are allowed to leave.
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Yes to what AnnReid said! So long as he buys what you're selling, keep selling it! If they have TV, he can see daily in the news what's going on. Fib that car dealers are not allowed to sell (maybe true, don't know - they might be considered "essential".) No one can move. Everyone has to stay in, etc. He won't remember, but if you and TV keep reminding him...

Sadly it is likely being "cooped up" that might have precipitated some of this. If their AL is likes others, no one is allowed out of their rooms. That alone can drive someone batty! At least in a house, you can go to another room, for a very brief respite/change of "scenery". Being stuck in a smaller space (assumption is BR, LR, kitchenette?) doesn't allow for much.

Is this relatively new behavior? Is it possible he has a UTI? UTIs in elders, and esp in those with cognitive issues, makes for some strange symptoms. Mom's first at MC resulted in severe sun-downing. The second two resulted in night time bed-wetting. During the first treatment, they also had to use a mild anti-anxiety to keep her calm. The nice things about these (I myself prefer not to medicate, but sometimes they are a necessary evil!) is 1) they didn't dope her up, 2) they worked first time, every time and 3) there is no need to "wean" her off of them when the UTI treatment is done.

The other reason for this kind of behavior could be where (or rather when) his mind is at. Mom's thinking a lot of time of about 40 years ago. He may feel this "dating" isn't working, he wants his freedom like he had in the old days, etc. Even if it isn't a UTI, perhaps a mild anti-anxiety would help a bit? It might be just enough to calm him so he can be redirected (which will be hard for mom to do, since she also has cognitive issues.) Perhaps being "locked" up they are just getting on each other's nerves?

Does the facility have a MC unit on-site, and if so, any space available? They might need to be separated, regardless of how loving they were before. I can imagine people are getting sick of each other even without dementia, so this is even harder on those who have it - they can't really understand what's going on, or at least can't remember more than a few minutes!
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My vote is that you are handling this as well as can be expected. Don't spend much time on this topic with him -- there's not point in grinding on something that will never come to pass, nor should. It's just creating angst for all involved. Right now he is obsessing on this topic but may at some point forget it (hopefully!) The doctor will never say yes, and hopefully he won't have a new doc anytime soon to undermine this storyline. Also, I hope he doesn't have any ability to call his doctor to pester him. If he does, you must prevent this from happening. My mom calls professional people for the smallest reason and it makes me cringe that she wastes their time when I could have handled it for her -- but she forgets. Try to redirect the conversations with your dad, to the point of not even acknowledging this topic when he brings it up. At the most just say the doc decides. Good luck and have peace that this strategy is ok.
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disgustedtoo Apr 2020
"My mom calls professional people for the smallest reason and it makes me cringe that she wastes their time when I could have handled it for her -- but she forgets."

Our mother didn't really... if she needed something fixed, generally she'd call YB. After the car was taken away, she'd maybe ask to go to grocery or a doc appt, sometimes would get neighbor to pick up milk and juice if she ran out.

The biggy was after doing her taxes once, I had to get her to adjust W4 and have more taken out than the charts say. She owed about 6,600 and was penalized. I was waiting for the tax documents the next year and kept asking her if they arrived.

Finally, at least TWO weeks before the deadline she responded that no one was doing it for her so she went to HRB and she's getting 5,000 back! Oh lord. I knew this was WRONG. I said have the paperwork ready, I'm picking it up on the way home (it was a Friday.) I went over it all on paper, ran it through Turbo just to check and it agreed with my calculations (not that I questioned my work!) Since it was so close to tax day, we couldn't get back there to deal with it. Made appt and when we arrived, we're told they didn't have any appts that day. Can't even get THAT right!

The whole time she's removing the MANY staples, she's telling me how some people don't have to pay taxes, esp if only on SS. I told her to just enter the numbers. She was SO smug, tickity tick, tick tick, flip page, tick, page, OH MY! Yeah, ya think? They totally left out mom's pension, which was death benefits from dad - federal pension, some serious money!!! I made her redo it, AND got on her case because they didn't itemize - made her do that too, as it was one time she COULD itemize! We had to sent the 5k back AND pay a penalty. Trying to work with them to get reimbursed for the penalty was a joke. They wouldn't talk to me. AHOLES. NEVER go there people. Just to back that up, while she was "fixing" the return, she said that I could get a job there. I said I wasn't an accountant, to which she replied you don't have to be... No, just a semi-warm body to sit in a chair and tickity-tick your way to screwing up people's tax returns! No way would I even consider it! If I did, I wouldn't want anyone to know I worked there!!! Professional My Beeehind!

It was about then I knew I was going to have to intervene and take over finances. Banks, etc was the easy part, SS wasn't too bad (rep payee - because of move and condo sale, it was the only way to change address, and is really the only legit way to manage someone else's SS), but the federal pension took a long time, mainly because we never got the letter doc promised (believe me, not for trying!!! NINE months, multiple calls, portal messages, etc at least several times/month - nothing.) Again, professional My Beeehind!

Oh, when I told mom to call pension contact and request changing W4 to 0, she said she was told she wasn't allowed to do that! I told her that I could change mine online at work - it's MY W4, I can have it changed to whatever I want! Call them back and TELL them to change it! This was before the dementia got bad enough, so it wasn't that. Later, on calculating, I told her to call and request X amount MORE be taken, so that her tax liability would be covered! It was done, never heard anything about it, just knew from the monthly statement.

Professional... Big word, but limited responsibility it seems...
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What does your mother have to say about all this?
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ct1128 Apr 2020
She realizes that he is sick. She is sad. But, she has become more mean and yells at lot as her dementia progresses, so that makes it difficult for him to handle the change in her personality.
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Yes, you are handling it perfectly, as long as he continues to accept what you are saying.

If he gets overly hostile towards your mother, you may wind up having to put them in different rooms or on different floors in the same facility where they are now.

You will be much more successful with the approach you’re using now than to try to get him to remember, because his memory is already so damaged that he can’t remember past conversations, and sadly, can’t remember that he loves your mom.

You’re doing fine. Blame the doctor, blame the weather, blame the economy, keep it simple, do whatever works. If he’s more peaceful and more comfortable with what you say, GREAT. If not, think of something else to blame and try again.
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