Hi
My Dad has Alzheimer's. He lives in Assisted living with Mom, who has cognitive dementia, but at a mild state. Dad says he is sick of mom, wants his own money so he can buy a car and get his own apartment. At his last Drs. appt. he told this to the Dr. The Dr. responded that he could not live alone and could not drive. Dad says he a) doesn't remember this or b) he's going to get a new Dr. who will let him do what he wants.
Because of Covid, we cannot enter their facility so we cannot talk to them face to face about this. But, being logical does not work with him any longer. We finally just said that we would talk to the Dr. when we are allowed to get out. He accepted that, but still calls about once a week asking for us to get him out of there.
We have no intention of moving him and I am hoping that things will calm down when they are not so secluded. Are we handling this correctly by just saying OK but delaying things??
If he gets overly hostile towards your mother, you may wind up having to put them in different rooms or on different floors in the same facility where they are now.
You will be much more successful with the approach you’re using now than to try to get him to remember, because his memory is already so damaged that he can’t remember past conversations, and sadly, can’t remember that he loves your mom.
You’re doing fine. Blame the doctor, blame the weather, blame the economy, keep it simple, do whatever works. If he’s more peaceful and more comfortable with what you say, GREAT. If not, think of something else to blame and try again.
Our mother didn't really... if she needed something fixed, generally she'd call YB. After the car was taken away, she'd maybe ask to go to grocery or a doc appt, sometimes would get neighbor to pick up milk and juice if she ran out.
The biggy was after doing her taxes once, I had to get her to adjust W4 and have more taken out than the charts say. She owed about 6,600 and was penalized. I was waiting for the tax documents the next year and kept asking her if they arrived.
Finally, at least TWO weeks before the deadline she responded that no one was doing it for her so she went to HRB and she's getting 5,000 back! Oh lord. I knew this was WRONG. I said have the paperwork ready, I'm picking it up on the way home (it was a Friday.) I went over it all on paper, ran it through Turbo just to check and it agreed with my calculations (not that I questioned my work!) Since it was so close to tax day, we couldn't get back there to deal with it. Made appt and when we arrived, we're told they didn't have any appts that day. Can't even get THAT right!
The whole time she's removing the MANY staples, she's telling me how some people don't have to pay taxes, esp if only on SS. I told her to just enter the numbers. She was SO smug, tickity tick, tick tick, flip page, tick, page, OH MY! Yeah, ya think? They totally left out mom's pension, which was death benefits from dad - federal pension, some serious money!!! I made her redo it, AND got on her case because they didn't itemize - made her do that too, as it was one time she COULD itemize! We had to sent the 5k back AND pay a penalty. Trying to work with them to get reimbursed for the penalty was a joke. They wouldn't talk to me. AHOLES. NEVER go there people. Just to back that up, while she was "fixing" the return, she said that I could get a job there. I said I wasn't an accountant, to which she replied you don't have to be... No, just a semi-warm body to sit in a chair and tickity-tick your way to screwing up people's tax returns! No way would I even consider it! If I did, I wouldn't want anyone to know I worked there!!! Professional My Beeehind!
It was about then I knew I was going to have to intervene and take over finances. Banks, etc was the easy part, SS wasn't too bad (rep payee - because of move and condo sale, it was the only way to change address, and is really the only legit way to manage someone else's SS), but the federal pension took a long time, mainly because we never got the letter doc promised (believe me, not for trying!!! NINE months, multiple calls, portal messages, etc at least several times/month - nothing.) Again, professional My Beeehind!
Oh, when I told mom to call pension contact and request changing W4 to 0, she said she was told she wasn't allowed to do that! I told her that I could change mine online at work - it's MY W4, I can have it changed to whatever I want! Call them back and TELL them to change it! This was before the dementia got bad enough, so it wasn't that. Later, on calculating, I told her to call and request X amount MORE be taken, so that her tax liability would be covered! It was done, never heard anything about it, just knew from the monthly statement.
Professional... Big word, but limited responsibility it seems...
Sadly it is likely being "cooped up" that might have precipitated some of this. If their AL is likes others, no one is allowed out of their rooms. That alone can drive someone batty! At least in a house, you can go to another room, for a very brief respite/change of "scenery". Being stuck in a smaller space (assumption is BR, LR, kitchenette?) doesn't allow for much.
Is this relatively new behavior? Is it possible he has a UTI? UTIs in elders, and esp in those with cognitive issues, makes for some strange symptoms. Mom's first at MC resulted in severe sun-downing. The second two resulted in night time bed-wetting. During the first treatment, they also had to use a mild anti-anxiety to keep her calm. The nice things about these (I myself prefer not to medicate, but sometimes they are a necessary evil!) is 1) they didn't dope her up, 2) they worked first time, every time and 3) there is no need to "wean" her off of them when the UTI treatment is done.
The other reason for this kind of behavior could be where (or rather when) his mind is at. Mom's thinking a lot of time of about 40 years ago. He may feel this "dating" isn't working, he wants his freedom like he had in the old days, etc. Even if it isn't a UTI, perhaps a mild anti-anxiety would help a bit? It might be just enough to calm him so he can be redirected (which will be hard for mom to do, since she also has cognitive issues.) Perhaps being "locked" up they are just getting on each other's nerves?
Does the facility have a MC unit on-site, and if so, any space available? They might need to be separated, regardless of how loving they were before. I can imagine people are getting sick of each other even without dementia, so this is even harder on those who have it - they can't really understand what's going on, or at least can't remember more than a few minutes!
From original post:
"My Dad has Alzheimer's."
"He lives in Assisted living with Mom, who has cognitive dementia, but at a mild state."
It sounds like mom is better off than dad, at this point. They are already IN an AL facility.
As far as "leaving the room", most if not all facilities are on lock-down, meaning even those in AL have to stay in their own rooms, meals delivered, etc.
Mom's facility is IL/AL/MC. They won't even allow anyone out to grocery shop or get supplies - they must make a list for staff and provide payment. IL and AL have to stay in their own rooms, meals are made in their own kitchen(ettes) or delivered to the room. MC has limited who can come in now, but the residents are allowed freedom of movement IN the MC area only. It's too hard to explain to them why they can't leave their rooms, and it is probably against the law to lock them in. Only those who NEED medical attention are allowed to leave.
Don't beat yourself up!
Sometimes coming up with inventive excuses is best for our loved ones with Alzheimers/Dementia.
If Dad isn't on any type of meds for dementia, you may want to have a conversation with his Primary Care physician. There may be therapeutic meds to help him relax.
Best wishes!
God bless!!
You will probably have to repeat this technique indefinitely, but acknowledging his wishes would validate his feelings and might calm him down.
Maybe he is burned out and it is time to separate them. I would not be happy with someone being mean to me and yelling at me.
LOLOLOL
Just a crazy thought!
No doubt mother is under a great deal of stress, and she is less able to cope with him than she used to be.
That doesn't make it okay to leave him in a situation where he is subjected to verbal abuse. It isn't okay for a man with Alzheimer's Disease to be yelled at when he gets things wrong or behaves in ways that frustrate or annoy the person he's living with.
It's very difficult to make any changes at all at the moment, and perhaps things will ease up once they're less secluded. But meanwhile, I think I'd have a word with the facility's staff to see if they can shed any light on what's going on, or have any suggestions about possible support or interventions. Also, talk openly to mother about what he's doing that makes her yell - at the very least, it would give her a chance to vent and take some of the tension away.