Ok to fib?

I hate to hear the word “fib” used when what we are really doing when we choose to do this, is entering a cognitively damaged LO’s TRUTH.

If this is a choice made WITH LOVE AND RESPECT, it is NOT LYING, it is COMPASSION.

Don't apply your rules of 'normalcy' to a disease that knows NO normalcy any longer! That's the main thing to remember. Tell your mother whatever SHE needs to hear to make HER feel assured, comfortable and happy. If that means you 'lie', then you lie. Again, all bets are off now and the old rules you once played by have to be thrown out if both of you are to survive and be happy. Telling 'the truth' in an effort to appease a guilty conscience doesn't help your mother in any way. Keep her state of mind your top priority, whatever it takes.

To me, it's all about what makes my LO feel safe and content. My feelings are not my focus. I don't need to feel better by being honest. If my LO is not able to process information, remember, grieve, etc. then overloading her with information and news that she can't process is cruel imo.

For a while, I was still envisioning things from my LO's normal state of mind, how she might think with her old self, but, what I learned to appreciate is that she was not thinking like her old self. It was a new way and she no longer had the ability for critical thinking, analyzing, reasoning, etc. I think my LO expected me to protect her, bring her comfort and to use my best judgment in her care. That's why she named me for that position. So, to me, I was doing what she wanted.

I think each situation is different. My LO only asked about her parents a few times, and the last time, I said that they would always live in our hearts. She seemed to like that and it made her smile. She never asked about them again.

absolutely. My father didn't have dementia but he was refusing to stop driving. We disabled the car without his knowledge. He died thinking the neighbor hood kids did it. I never regretted it. It got him off the streets - potentially saving his life and other lives.

Besides your own emotional reaction. What do you see as the harm to your mother.

If you tell a person that has dementia that their loved one has died they grieve like they are hearing the information for the first time. Then they forget and they ask again and you tell them again and to them they are hearing this for the first time. Why put someone as well as you through the process over and over.

If a person wants to give money to people. there are 2 or really 3 choices.
Give him real money that will be given away or stolen at a facility OR give him play money that he thinks is real that he can give away.
Or your third option that really is not an option is to argue about it telling him that he can not have money to give away. You will learn quickly that an argument with a person that has dementia is futile it will get you nowhere it will leave you both frustrated and you angry.

The day my Mom had no recollection of a recent family meeting when we talked about her living arrangements was the day I knew therapeutic fibs were more merciful. Otherwise, I would be telling her the same difficult things over and over and she would, in turn, have to relive those over and over. I would never want to do that to her. I try not to outright lie but tell half-truths intended to divert her attention. So, instead of saying "You're not going home tomorrow", I say "The doctors didn't tell me yet that you could go home." I rarely talk to the doctors so that is a true enough statement but the actual truth is that she is staying where she is.

YES!!! Just be with them, in the moment! Love them, where they are at.

My Dad (who just recently passed away at 93) would talk about taking flying lessons, driving again....the list goes on & on.

Does absolutely no good, to correct them. It's not them, it's the disease!

Go with it!

I tell my Mom that her father is still at work when she asks why he hasn’t come home yet and that she is worried about him. The first time she asked where he was I told her he had passed away. She yelled at me and said couldn’t I think of something nicer to say. Yes fibs are fine in my opinion as they help both of us cope.

Your friend is doing the right thing. Why upset someone with information that they will quickly forget? The play money thing is a great idea too. If it makes him feel good about himself that he is "helping" people that need money that's awesome.

I think anything that makes the caregiver's life easier is on the table! If fibbing works for you, you should do it.

I'm also uncomfortable fibbing. It's just not how I am put together. I try redirecting. when I can. ie "How did we pay for the food in 1989?" " I don't remember, really, but it was different back then? We used to go to the grocery store after work on payday and then we'd always have 'breakfast for dinner' that night. I always looked forward to our Friday nights."

I try not to say "Remember that we used to...." because no, they probably don't remember.

I have sympathy, though. My dad was fixated on how much they sold the house for 20 years ago. (Not enough! He should have held out for more. ) He would not be redirected with any 'fun memories' I might have had. Occasionally, I could tell my chatter confused him enough that he stopped talking about it but he was still ruminating about it. Poor guy.