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Taking care of both my parents, mom 83 who has Parkinson's and limited mobility and dad 83 has dementia and can get into everything, I'm still working a stressful tech job, I'm responsible for their complete well being, I have an aide that we pay out of pocket about 25 hours Mon-Fri each week, and on the weekends it's all me, I get up at 6am 7 days a week to give mom her meds on Sat and Sundays I can go back to sleep till 10 am then she's ready to get up and take her shower and start her day. Originally I was just taking care of my Mom and my brother had my dad at my parents house, until he tried to commit suicide leaving him unable to help me with anything, I am so frustrated and exhausted of dealing with this entire situation, but I keep pushing everyday I don't have time for myself and definately not getting proper rest, mom's been at my house since 2018 and dad since December 2019, I moved back to their house in 2016 to help out but my dad was so mean to everyone that I had to buy my own house. There are times when I just want to give up and find a home for them but my mom is worried about paying out her and my dad's retirement and I guess I'm worried about the care they may get somewhere else.


Is it normal to be so drained and tired all the time.


Oh yeah killing your kids sounds like a better solution than spending your retirement funds.

You need to step back and let them fail, then the care they receive from a facility will seem amazing.

You need to put your foot down, you are going to be a statistic if you don't. How is your brother? You know that the stress from caring for your demented dad played a huge role in your brother not being able to cope right?
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Patathome01 Aug 10, 2020
That may be correct.
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My advice is to find a place for them both ...@ the same facility. One parent may need higher level of care than the other but they can be at same place & see each other daily! You need to recover your health before you get something you’ll need help with too!!! I know just taking care of my 93 yo mother with dementia...immobile, incontinent...& violent sometimes...& I have private pay aide 25 hrs a week. I’m 61 but in pretty good shape...& I know I cannot do it too much longer!!! I made decision to take her out of SNF 3 years & 5 months ago. Everyone at SNF told me she’ll get worse...they were right. I didn’t listen...PLEASE put your parents in a facility so you don’t kill yourself!!! Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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My suggestion is find a decent facility for both of them. It is too much for you. Sorry about your brother, very sad, indeed. How is he now? Caregiving only get harder as they decline. Need help from others, your health is at risk.
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Patathome01 Aug 10, 2020
Her life is at risk, too.
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ARR,
I didn't heed the advice and warnings that I received here.
Now I am paying the price! Because I am stressed constantly and exhausted, physical things that should be manageable have blown up and snowballed.
There is no shame in placing your folks into memory care!! As a matter of fact, it might actually be better for them. They will be with staff that is equipped to deal with their needs. People who are trained to deal with Dementia.
You won't be able to help them if you end up in the hospital.
Please take care of yourself!!
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Reply to xrayjodib
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Put them in a home before you end up like your brother.

Full stop.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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If you came here for sympathy, you have mine. I feel for you and understand how hard it is. Yes, you should be exhausted, mentally and physically, doing what you're doing. It will only get worse. If you came for advice, well mine would be to find a place for mom and dad where they will be taken care of 24/7. That's what their retirement is for at this stage, given their conditions. Good luck!
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Reply to mstrbill
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It's a wonder that you have the energy to submit your situation to this site! Please know that you are doing too much & may endanger your life also. I'm so sorry for what happened to your brother. Caregiving is not for everyone. You need to help them & yourself (with their consent or your power) to use their retirement funds to place them in a facility (hopefully the same one) that will care for them! That's what their retirement funds are for. If they refuse, tell them that they need to hire full-time help 24/7 as you can no longer deal with it. You don't need to compromise your health or job! Seek out resources to help you with this.
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Reply to ToniFromRVA
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Yes and you haven’t even factored in the stress from Covid concerns.
You've been given great realistic suggestions.
I’d somewhat concerned about your work situation..... it sounds like your running on autopilot; coworkers can be quite accommodating even helpful but at some point in time some young gunner will not have a bit of charity for your situation & come after your job. (Unless you own the place)

Right now you can’t efficiently plan for a change as you don’t have time to do whats needed or evaluate options. I’d suggest that you speak with the current caregiver to see if she has a coworker who can come in on Saturday and a few evening hours twice a week both for oversight on the folks and household help. Maybe for 6 weeks so you can start your research on facilities for them and sorting out their finances, meet with an elder law atty AND have some time for yourself. If thier funds are not enough for 2 years or so, you need to look at places that will admit them as private pay and then has Medicaid beds to transition to. Personally I’d get them into a SNF rather than AL or MC this way they don’t have to move to a higher level of care later. The facilities can advise you as to if a needs assessment has to be done for admission if they are coming in under private pay.

I’d try to set a date, like by Oct 1st to get them moved. There will be another wave of Covid this winter. You want to get them into a place before that hits so they have time to adjust and you have time to visit and get to know the all the staff imho.

Also whatever the case, all caregivers costs must be getting paid from your parents funds. It’s unclear if that is what is happening..... really it needs to be from thier resources, not yours or your brothers.
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Reply to igloo572
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Omobowale Aug 10, 2020
You seem quite knowledgeable! I just contacted an elder care lawyer. I was “guilt-tripped” into coming to live with my parents and giving up my dream job overseas. (I admit to very poor decision-making on my end!). “Since I was retired”.my father told me they needed me “more than the people in Africa you are working with”. (Same sentiment of a few other family members as well...and a few that warned me against being guilt-tripped!! I am a widow and only 62...and was working a paid job...trying to put off taking SS too early.) I came home where I was given my old bedroom with ONE drawer cleaned out! (I now have my own furniture in the room and also have use of a second room). I am expected to do this “for free”. In a recent conversation I was told they thought giving me “room and board” was enough. They have 10x the savings I have! They have had the option (and have turned it down 1-2x) to enter a local VA facility that is beautiful...and 5 min from their home. They also refused to pay the help I had arranged when in was overseas. There conditions have worsened over the year. They don’t need 24/7 care yet. But they do need daily help with meals and house upkeep. They don’t want to spend “your and your siblings inheritance”. The other day I had a frank conversation and said while it’s great they are “saving”” so much...I am
losing ALL my salary of the job I gave up!! In addition I now have expense of heath care, car, etc that I did not have at my last job!! My dad asked if I had any bills I needed “help with”. I said I wasn’t asking for charity. But I was very hurt that he had never asked what I needed...nor did he ever offer me any type of compensation. If they didn’t have money it would be a different situation. As it is. If they passed, my siblings would all get their “fair share” and I’d be out a year (and counting) salary! Mom
chimed in that my dad didn’t know how much caregivers were paid. He did. He rearranged the 3days/week we had set up and switched it to the person coming once every two weeks!! (Because he didn’t want to spend the money!!) LOL. I just burned my veggies I was steaming in the stove while I was writing this!! Yes...over-stressed!
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ARR, please save yourself! I agree with all replies here. You just will not be able to keep this up physically or mentally. Please think this through and put your health first before it's too late.
take care and be safe.
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Reply to Rbuser1
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Check out some options. Can they pay for care at home? I think as children we should do all we can to keep them at home. It’s the “all we can” that we each need to decide on. You have a lot of responsibilities and need to take a breather. This is a marathon not a sprint. Take care.
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