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Mother is 84. Owns two homes. I have been hesitant to move her into my house. I have lived the last 10+ years dealing with the behaviors associated with depression , dementia, and bipolar disease. Accusations, theft, medication abuse, manipulation make it difficult for me to enjoy my time with my mother. I have so much guilt because she lives alone and is lonely but she uses her loneliness and depression every day. I am 52 and work full time. My husband is a dear to her and helps her unconditionally 24/7 all the while she bad mouths him behind his back. She wants us to sell our homes and buy one that has mother in law room or where we all can live together. I just can’t see my husband or I being happy. My sister lives on the east coast and offers no help. Has only visited 2 or 3 times in 25 years. She is a vulture and is waiting for inheritance.

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I think it is easy enough to do your own research without an agency's referrals. However you go about it be ready for tons of mail and phone calls from the facilities. I get so upset at the constant packages, flyers, and emails that keep coming after telling all of them that I already placed my mom in an assisted living in my neighborhood who, by the way, was not on any agency's list and only gave me one package of information on the day I went in and never became aggressive about her moving in. There were issues with her move in, but only because they had another lady at the very same time who took all their attention. I'm glad I retained my mom's home care person to help me move her.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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What is your mom's proximity to you now? Is it possible to move her close to you but not IN with you?

Prior to last Oct I lived long distance to my mom. When her health got worse and she began to isolate and talk about moving "to my area" I helped her purchase a condo right next to my condo. My thinking at the time was that I really didn't want her that close, but it was way better than having her invade my space.

Fast forward- I now know she has dementia and even having her next door is exhausting. I see her daily and my situation is similar to yours in that my mom is very needy and negative and it's draining just to be around her, so you have my empathy.

I'm impressed with all the people here who managed to get their older parent into a care home of some sort. In my family that has always been seen as a drastic last resort. My mom would lose her shit if I even mentioned selling her condo and moving to a care home.

So I'm kind of stuck in this situation. But it's do-able, for now. Maybe something similar would work for you? There are some upsides. It really occupied my mom fixing her place up. She needed a lot of help, but it definitely kept her busy, and still does really. I can spend time with her but when I've had my fill I can leave and go home and get some privacy. The very close proximity allows me to keep a very watchful eye without being completely invaded.
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Reply to ExhaustedPiper
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They direct you to the most expensive facilities in your area, they get a huge percentage of the rent the 1st month, they will guilt you for not giving thousands of dollars a month to support your parent at an overpriced facility.

Then you get to deal with a magnitude of phone calls because they send out your information to tons of facilities that now want to sell you a facility that your loved one can't afford.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Shell38314 Mar 29, 2019
I could not have said that any better!
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I had a good experience with a Place for Mom. True that they don't deal too much with Medicaid facilities, but my mom didn't yet qualify for Medicaid and was on a limited budget, and they were able to help us find an affordable place that offered the level of care that she needed.

I wouldn't recommend moving your mom in with you. I would talk to A Place for Mom, your Area Agency on Aging, possibly a geriatric care manager, etc and see what placement options are available for a direct move if possible. The less transition there has to be, the better it will be on you both.
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Reply to FrazzledMama
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Man, I wish I had read this when I was looking for another alternative for my father other than nursing home. He was in independent, then, assisted living and now group home. To be honest, I have to say they were a Godsend for me. Didn’t know there were so many group homes around my area. They gave me those that they had vetted and were licensed by the state. From there I started out with a friend visiting. Some knew we were coming , some didn’t. I decided on the one that I thought was the best for my dad. NOTHING is perfect in this world but it was what I had to do. Both caretakers are pretty good, better than the rehab/nursing home he was in and cheaper with the price good for life, not going up each year as in my mom’s alz/dementia facility. Like I said, it’s not perfect, but very close to me and in a home like setting. We contracted with a Mobil MD and Home Health Care. I wish I could say my dad is doing great and that he got to stay in his AL facility but that just wasn’t in the cards especially getting 24 hr sitters. This seemed to be the best of 2 worlds. How will this turn out?? Who knows. But I just had to chime in on A Place For Mom. I’m sure if Joan Lunden were still involved she would not like all the bad reviews since she started this because of her mom. Too bad. You just have to be careful and go with your gut. Good luck everyone and God Bless....
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Reply to pargirl
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If you want assistance finding a facility for mom consider a Geriatric Case Manager. They are very knowledgeable in what is available and what would work for mom. They are paid and will check in on mom on a schedule that will work for mom and you.

Since mom is ready to go, go fast and don't be surprised if she changes her mind. Spend that inheritance on mom's care.

Also, time to get all of mom's documents in order if they are not already.
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Reply to gladimhere
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You will get deluged with phone calls if you call A Place for Mom. Too Many phone calls!

That stopped when I explained that my mom had no assets to spend.

APFM is great if your parents have lots of money for LTC. Otherwise not so much if your parent has no funds.
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Reply to Shane1124
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I called "A place for mom," and most of the time I was on the phone the lady talked all about herself and her family problems--ugh! I could not get off the phone with her...just on and on, all awhile I am frustrated with my own family problems. Then she try selling/guilty me into some big ticket caring AL (in a city I don't live in)! She kept asking me how much money my mother's house is worth and how much savings she had. I told her that I was not answering those questions until I figure out what I was going to do, but she kept asking and I kept refusing. They don't care about you or your parent. Sad to say, I had to tell them that my mother died...to many phone calls and e-mails.

Do yourself a favor don't have mom live with you and don't call "A place for mom." They are not what they appear to be!
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Reply to Shell38314
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Cwillie you are right on! Oh yeah, and they set appts for you and your parent so they can “Showboat” you and woo you into thinking they are going to take such loving care of your parent. Go into any place unannounced, that will be how I do it this time around.
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Reply to Rainey69
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This forum has discussed this entity. They are owned by a hedge fund. They are one of many whose mantra is " put the head in the bed."
And that is irrespective of if the facility is about to lose Medicare or Medicaid funding. Take heed and beware. What I mean by that, is they may recommend some awful place which Medicare and Medicaid have said, too many infractions, outcomes not good.
Search the forum. There are news articles linked.
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Reply to Segoline
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They operate in much the same way as an insurance broker does, they only compare and make recommendations to those facilities they have a contract with, which in most areas means the big corporate chains or those places struggling to fill their beds (usually for good reasons).
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Reply to cwillie
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I really don’t advise it. I used them. At first they seem like angels, listening to your every concern and frustration. WorriedinCali is absolutely right. They were supposed to be an advocate for Mom and help pick a place that best suited Mom’s unique needs. I was lied to by the facility that they would take care of Mom’s lymphatic leg and also the person from a Place for Mom told me they discussed this with them, but would NOT stand up for me when I called the facility out on it ( after I moved her in of course ) because the facility refused treatment on the grounds of “it’s medical.” I ended up having to hire an outside gal (which took about 7 months) for an added expense of 100 a visit to do this but no help from “A Place for Mom.” No help from the Ombudsman, nobody BUT, “A place for Mom” was only too happy to help me find another place for her! NO WAY! You won’t back me up when I am lied to but you want me to give you another opportunity to make more money from me? Fool me once.
Besides, you get harassed with phone calls from all the facilities, it seems never ending. They still call me! I don’t answer anymore. There is no such thing as a free service.
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Reply to Rainey69
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When I was trying to entertain the idea to my parents to move into AL, I contacted them via e-mail and the follow up was very quick and aggressive. They are a referral service .... and will drive you crazy. Since you will still do most of the legwork anyway, avoid them.
That said.....please keep your sanity and your boundaries. I wish my parents would be open to the suggestion. As we are well aware, things do not get better as they age, and to keep them at home is difficult. AL is for piece of mind and for your own well being. Best of luck.
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Reply to Abby2018
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I used them to help find the facility my mom now lives in. They were very kind. I had a person who called me several times a week to give me suggestions, ask if I had questions and pass along new information. Unfortunately, he could only call while I was at work, which was awkward for me. I finally had to ask him to either call later or cut down on calls altogether.

If you don't want the life of a full time caretaker for you or your husband, don't move her in with you and don't let her make you feel guilty about it. It's that simple. If she moves in with you, she will continue to bad mouth your husband, make accusations, and generally make your life a living hell. As long as her needs are met and you can visit and be her daughter, rather than her caretaker, a memory care or assisted living is your best option.
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Reply to lablover64
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Seagal Mar 26, 2019
Thank you lablover64. I’m finally empty nester and enjoying life. I don’t see any of the things we do in our future if she moves in. I feel bad that she has dealt with depression her whole life but I don’t want that for me as well. I came down with C diff and quite honestly it was nice to have a three week break from the daily “I’m lonely and have nothing but you “ calls. Did I mention she’s Japanese? Culture frowns on not caring for elders but she’s negative and down ALL the time. It’s affected my life and my kids.
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A place for mom is a for-profit referral service and they get paid thousands of dollars if you place your mom in a facility. Keep that in mind. They are also very aggressive because....again they get paid if you place your mom in one of the facilities they recommended. This means that they probably don’t have your moms best interests in mind, they just want to get their commission.
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Reply to worriedinCali
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 29, 2019
And try to guilt you for not forking over thousands of dollars a month to support your loved one.

I found them scuzzy.
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A Place for Mom is a referral service. They help you find what you need when you're at the point of placing an elderly parent in a facility.

Your separate living arrangments with your mom is your only buffer. She has her house, you have yours. If your mom moves in with you and your husband that buffer is gone and all of the behaviors you listed will become part of your everyday life. Don't do it.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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